Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Wax, my ass !! Yeah, that too !

(Disclaimer:  No beavers or clams were harmed in the writing of this blog)


I’ve always associated hot wax with some sexy interlude with a lover.  

A bearskin rug, soft music, a fire glowing, bottle of wine chillin’ and candles burnin’.  Two glowing naked bodies intertwined in raw passion.  One partner holds the candle over the other, the anticipation of the hot wax landing on her body excites her to the core.  She tenses slightly as she watches the wax slowly trickle from the candle onto her excited flesh…….

She feels the warmth of the wax, the touch of his hands……….

Then she feels the searing, burning pain.  As the woman rips the wax and cloth from her body…taking with it a patch of hair from her most sacred place.

I’ve heard girlfriends talk of it.  How much they love it.  How smooth it is.  How low-maintenance.  How much their boyfriends love it.  How could you NOT want to do it?

Um, can we talk about the pain issue????  Is it really WORTH all that??

“Oh it doesn’t hurt as much as you think it would” 

EXCUUSE ME???   Have you given birth yet ??

You are having a stranger smear hot wax on your most sensitive private parts, then rip the god-given hair there out of your body in one wicked swoop. 

And you’re sitting here telling me it doesn’t hurt?

You lying bish !


I have been debating this experience the past 6 months or so.  Wanting to.  Too scared to actually cross the line.

Then a girlfriend had a friend that has been doing it for 20 plus years.  In Brazil, in NYCity, and here.  She does it in her home for a fraction of the price. 

I figured, this is my time.  And if I don’t do it again I’m only out $25 and tip. 

I arrived at her house.  I liked this idea the most.  Not in some sterile, or not so sterile, nail salon where my screams would be heard in the coffee shop next door.

She was older lady.  Her skin wrinkled from the years in the Brazilian sun.  But she was perky, personable, and she put me at ease.

We went up to her little office.  She had her computer on, with Bejeweled waiting to be played.  The table was set up with a flannel blanket.  A stand next to it holding the already simmering wax.

She told me to drop my pants and lay back on the bed.  I did.  Not much different than going to the gyno each year.   I expected to be a tad shy.  But I found myself strangely, very relaxed.

THAT was short-lived !!

We briefly discussed what shape I was going home with.  I showed her..  She turned to stir her witch’s brew and came back around with the stick full of wax. 

After blowing on it for a second or two she began smearing it on the outer top area.  The wax felt warm, my anticipation of what was to come intensified the sensation.

THAT was short-lived !!

She pressed the cloth into the wax and without warning RIPPED it from my flesh !!!

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD !!!  It literally felt like someone had scraped my skin with one of those metal pot scrubbers !

And this was only the beginning.  She continued to work her area, gradually moving south and spot ripping where needed.

Then.  She went THERE.  You know WHERE. THERE.

That wasn’t so bad.  Tickled a little, like it usually does. But it didn’t so much ‘hurt’.   I can handle THIS.

THAT was also short-lived.

Back to the top she goes on the OTHER side. 

Knowing what was coming did not help matters. I found myself tensing up, preparing for the onslaught of pot scrubbers.  And they did not let me down.

Again, she worked her trail from top to bottom.  The bottom, ironically, was a sweet release from the attack on my most prized possession.

Thinking I was nearing the end of my traumatic journey, she then says to me “I’ll need you to do something for me for the next part”

I knew EXACTLY what she was asking of me.  Thank god I’m not afraid to touch myself.  Never did it for a fellow girl before tho.  LOL

I moved my velvety soft folds of flesh to one side as she smeared the warm wax on my exposed outer pillowy lip.  This in itself was a sensation to be beheld.  I briefly traveled to that place in my mind where I hold my fantasies……

Once again, that too, was very short-lived !!


The Pot Scrubbers had joined forces with the Steel Wool, coarse grade and it was a full on attack !

I kept telling myself “you’ve delivered 2 kids, you can do this”….then I was rudely reminded that I was allowed an epidural for THOSE !

She finished up her hair war and I once again, incorrectly, presumed that we were done.  I looked up from my flat on my back position and gasped !!

She had tweezers in her hand !  Not just any tweezers.  Not the one you have in YOUR medicine cabinet at home.   THIS one was HUGE !!  I would liken them to the tongs you have in your kitchen drawer for grabbing hot corn on the cob out of a pot of boiling water !!

Never, EVER in your lifetime attempt to tweeze THERE !  This I would compare to having needles stuck into those pillowy cushions of flesh.  NOT  any where NEAR orgasmic.  Trust me.

FINALLY.  She is done.  I look down at her work of art and I see that I have turned an inflamed shade of not quite blood red.   Maybe chimney red?

She then appeared to inspect her work.  Looking closely for any imperfections….I secretly prayed she was not a perfectionist ! 

I was not to be so lucky.  She grabbed her torture stick and did some patchwork.   THIS was actually bearable.   Patchwork is tolerable.

And then, I almost fell in love.  She had the best soothing lotion EVER !  Straight from Brazil.  I don’t know what was in it but she smeared it all over me.  

And life was good again.

I paid the woman, put my big girl panties back on and went back to the office.

I’ll be back in 3-4 weeks.  She promised it wouldn’t be so painful next time.  I’m holding her to that.

But,  I have to admit.  My baby sure is smooth !!  Hubby better appreciate what I did for him today !  And I expect to experience this appreciation first hand.  And tongue……


Anonymous said...

ROTMFF I'm certain from laughing so hard i pissed my shorts. Be back after a change... *giggle*


TATER said...


Anonymous said...

Oh Doll. You should have talked to me first. I have one word for you. Sugaring.
It's less painful than waxing, because the substance sticks to the hair but doesn't attach to the skin. I mean, yeah. It hurts to pull out hair however you do it, but many find sugaring less painful than waxing. It's pulled off With the direction of the hair growth instead of against it.
You might want to check it out sometime... You smooth thang!