Dr. Fingers

I’ve had the same gyno for the past 11 years.  He delivered my son 9 years ago.   

I’m okay with Dr. Fingers.   For a Cuban Old Fart.  Whose office is all the way downtown O-Town.   He gets the job done.  

These visits are like watching paint dry.    I kid you not. 

After  26 years of pap smears and 2 kids, having some half bald old fart stick his fingers up my cootch while talking beach resorts in south Florida really doesn’t affect me .   AT ALL.  

It’s like getting your tires rotated or your oil changed.  Painless.  And Boring.

After shittin’ on the birthin’ table (yes, we sometimes do that),    then getting  pretty barrettes placed on my fallopian tubes…….

Could  anything be  more embarrassing?

Maybe having oral sex with a stranger from a bar and waking up to his face covered in a nice shade of  ‘pink’ ??? 

I’ll go with old fart talking beach resorts, thank you very much.  LOL

So, guys, here’s how it all ‘goes down on the spread’..

We make our annual appointment based around our current cycle.    We  don’t  go too soon before or  too soon after Aunt Flo.  She’ll will either make an early appearance  promptly following a visit or make an uninvited quick sleepover right after  said appointment.  Neither of which is  acceptable to owner of cavity.   So the timing of the appointment is crucial.  And we are not shy in expressing this when making said appointment

Before said appt we are  sure to attend to the landscaping.  However, we do not want to appear TOO trimmed, hence giving the effect of primping.   Nor do we what to  appear to have failed to maintain our yard work.  

But honestly girls, Dr. Fingers really don’t give a rat’s ass if your cooter is dressed for the red carpet or not.

Just shower that morning.  Please.

First, there’s the breast exam.    One arm up.

“Did I shave?”  Circles. Circles. Circles.  

Other arm up.

“Did I remember deodorant?” 

Circles, circles circles

Guys, they really DO look all the same.  At least to him/her.  It takes all of about 30 seconds for him to do both boobs.  That’s more time than YOU spend on them  in a week !!

And, no.  my nipples do not get hard..  You wish.

My feet are up in stirrups.  My bare ass  is  hanging off the end of the table.  Sometimes there is a nice warm lamp at the end….  warm is good.  Ahhh.

Kinda like your breath would feel if you took the time…………………..anyway………

There are these really scary things called SPECULUMS.   They have these wingnuts on them that make the jaws spread.    Kinda like those Jaws Of Life things you see on the History Channel …………

The really nice doctors warm them up first.

Or not…that would be kinda  akin to Married Sex……

Maybe only the female drs. do that….…….go figure.  Hmph

Spread Lips….Insert Speculum….Insert Long Stick…..Scrap tonsils with very long stick………..Withdraw.   

That’s it???  You’re done?  It’s over?  Are you kidding??

What???   There’s more?? 

In goes the finger….oops.  Maybe two?….

Two fingers in.   Deep.   AND  he pushes down on those same fingers with his other hand from the outside…….yes, those ARE my ovaries…..NO, this is NOT THIRD BASE !!!    WTF !!!  Watch the bladder !!!  UGH !

He withdraws his rubber gloved hand, disposes of his protection and says “everything looks fine.  See the girl at the front for payment.”

How’s that compare to your “Turn And Cough” visit?