NASCAR Virgin

NASCAR fans are in a race all their own.

That is undeniably and inarguably true.

There is NO other spectator sport where a fan is willing to sit

• in 93 degree heat,
• in the sun,
• with their 5 children,
• for FIVE hours.
• staring at an empty infield and watching absolutely NOTHING --
• make a left turn -after a left turn -after a left turn –oh look, another left turn. (was that 4 turns?)

They are in a race all their own. Hands down.

And shirts off. (whole ‘nuther story)

So, Roger scores these free NASCAR tickets from one of his reps. They are Suite Tickets for Friday’s race. Free food. Free beer. Air Conditioned room. And a trip to the infield FanZone.

We get to the Speedway at 1:30pm. Our Suite doesn’t officially open until 3pm so we have some time to wander around. It’s not real busy as it’s obviously early and it’s not a BIG race day. That’s Saturday.

(at this point we had no idea HOW early we really were) chuckle

We leisurely wander around. Taking in the sites. There’s many fans already set up camp in the stands. They all have nifty soft-side coolers, as is the rule. Filled with whatever don’t set off the dogs. LOL

Personally, if I had to supply MY beer appetite for this many hours BEFORE the race and then THRU the race -I would need something MORE than what I could carry over my shoulder.

just saying.

Various employees are arriving and the vendors are setting up their mini-money-maker/rip-you-off cocktail and/or munchie stands.

For example, a single bottle of Budweiser, $6.00. (cough) A Bloody Mary, (no telling WHAT vodka, if any) was $8.00. (choke)

Yeah, okay. Let me get back to you on that after I talk to my mortgage broker……..

So we got an hour to kill, we decide to take the tram to the Fan Zone. Cuz our tickets include that.

We think we’re special. LOL

This is the area between the infield (where the winner does his show-off spin-out-shit )…..

….and the RV area where the squatters plant their homes for the entire week and live out of pop-up campers with their in-laws, …or whoever else will split the bill.

Now, that is all fine and dandy. God Bless Ya. But the funniest thing I saw, and I am so sorry I missed getting a pic…

These people, on top of packing clothing, food, shelter and toilet paper…….pack THESE !!!

They are set up, full, and contain people !!

(and I’m betting just about every bodily fluid that can be expelled sober or drunk without getting arrested)

Too fricken funny. How long do you plan on staying in one place that you think to pack and erect these???? On top of the bare essentials……like toilet paper?

just askin’.

FINALLY, it’s 3pm. FINALLY. I get a fricken Free Beer.

So we are allowed into this ‘suite’. We pick our seats, looking thru this huge window out over all the less fortunate fans, sweating their asses off, drinking beverages out of their soft-side coolers and smoking Marlboros like there was a winning lottery ticket at the end of one of ‘em ! LOL

(That’s funny, cuz that used to be me!)

The room starts to fill up just a bit. The hostess lady is checking us in, crossing our names off the list, making sure we ain’t some RV squatter from cross-field trying to snitch in on a luxury ride of free food and beer.

Me and Rog sit in our seats and gander out thru our plate glass window. We see fans filter in and out and back and forth.

To be honest, I actually enjoy ‘people watching’ more than anything.

And Lord, a NASCAR race is THE PERFECT place to people watch !!!

As the hostess is checking us in I apparently ask the dumbest question of the day…..

”what time does the race start? 5? 6?”

Remember, I haven’t the slightest clue as to what I was getting into leaving the house at noon that morning…….I was hoping, since the Suite opened at 3pm that the race would start around 5 or 6 and I would be home by 9ish that night….

Silly me.

“No, it’s scheduled to start at 8”

“scheduled?”

“yes, sometimes it runs late”.

“okaaaay. thank you”

I turn to Rog. I am not sure if I should smile sweetly or just let him run an IV into my liver right here.

Here I sit. It’s 3pm. Race don’t start until 8pm.

And all the FREE beer I can drink.

I look at Rog.

He looks at me.

We kinda chuckle amongst ourselves and actually ‘discuss’ that if I have one beer every half hour I will be on #10ish at race start…..on top of the food, I should still be coherent enough to see then of the race………

Yeah, well.

That didn’t happen.

………………………

Over the course of the next 5 hours I paced myself. We were served wings, egg rolls, fried chicken, hotdogs,moz sticks, salad, and cheesecake !!

I did good. I kept myself entertained by the fans outside our window that had no idea that they were being watched thru our one-way suveillance window.

This particular guy kept my attention.

He had this straw hat on that said “HillBilly”.

WHY anyone would advertise something that was already blatantly obvious is beyond me.

He got his “HillBilly” hat on, cigarette smoke rollin’ out of his mouth and his ‘oh-so-attractive-tattoo’ right out there for everyone to see………….if you could get past the pooch-belly he was showing off above his WAY-too-low khaki shorts.

So, that was my view for 5 hours to my front left.

To my right was this…………..

She had 5 kids with her. She handled all of them quite well…..I’m guessing the kids have been thru this routine before and knew that if there was gonna be breakfast in the morning they best be quiet and let Momma smoke her Marlboros and drink her ‘koolaid’ .

This was my entertainment. People, sitting out in the 93 degree heat, sweating, smoking, drinking and …patiently waiting for their whole year’s savings to cumulate into a win for their favorite car or driver.

And me, in my 65 degree comfortable air conditioning.

God Damn It!! Can ya turn the air up just a little?? My nose is running and my beer has ice in it !

I kid you not. I sat there for 5 fricken hours and froze my ass off !!!

I couldn’t have gotten drunk if naked hula girls or the Chippendales were serving me my beer !!!

It, honestly, was the longest 5 hours of my life.

OMG!! The race is FINALLY STARTING???

Um. yeah. so. what.

The thrill is gone. Done. Over.

Now they hand out these walkie-talkie radio thingies with these 1970’s headphone things. Um, okay…..

HUH????? I get to listen to the drivers talk to their pit crew??

Yeah. Um. okay. and what am I sposed to get from this??

I flipped thru the channels. It was like listening to AM radio

Off came the headphones. done.

I got more info from the TVs posted in all 4 corners of the room.

Every time the cars came round everyone would stand up……..WHY??? You can’t see any better standing than sitting. Honestly. The view was the same.

LOLOL

So, from these AWESOME seats I could see the cars:

approach me out of turn 4……….

and leave towards turn #1.

When they went whizzin’ by all I could see was the tops of the cars.

OOOO big whoop.

I kid you not.

EVERYTHING ELSE I had to watch on TV.

Okaaaayyyyy.

So, it’s the Daytona 250. Half the Daytona 500.

Can’t last THAT long. Ya think? What? 50 laps?

Cool. We’re into lap 38.

“Ladies and Gentleman, we are into lap 38 of 100…..”

WTF?!?!?!?

Me and Rog looked at each other…….

“(finish yer beer, lets go)”

I wasn’t even interested in the beer…. cuz I knew I had to walk ALL the way back to that freakin’ school bus. The bus that was gonna drive me the next 10 miles back to my car.

And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna pee in one of those port-a-potties !

We were back home in Orlando before the race was even over.

It’s Sunday. I still have no idea who won.

LOL

So, my apologies to the NASCAR fans that are all into this. I just didn’t get it.

Tho the sound of the cars WAS pretty cool, and the people-watching was kinda fun….. it’s not something I would voluntarily spend money on again.

And even if I did, I want to be outside in the heat with my cooler of beer and sunflower seeds.

And I would NOT show up 5 hours before race time.