Your Life...How You Got There

Ya ever sit and think about how you got to where you are at in life, at this very moment? The cycle of events that brought you to who you are today?

Who do you thank…or curse?

Growing up in a small town in ND, my outlook on life was pretty grim, uneventful I guess. I was destined to be a wife, mother and hold a job that paid little and had no advancement opportunities….If you ‘escape”, it was to the “Cities” aka Minneapolis/St. Paul; and some even made it so far as Colorado…. Woo hoo !!

Making my “escape” took hubby #2. He loaded me up and moved me out and away…to Orlando…1991. Seems like ages now. As an adult now, I look back and wonder “what the fuck was I thinking!?!?!??!”

History goes to show, that marriage didn’t last but….if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be in FL today. It wasn’t easy. Being married -and not…It never is. Being on your own is hard enough, let alone being 1800 miles from the only life and family you’ve ever known. And I had to do it after being abandoned by the only person I had to hold on to. I was stronger than I thought, or stronger than I let on.

THAT took some growing up. And doing it in a big city is no picnic. I did and saw things I would never have in little ole North Dakota. I could talk race, crime, sex and God knows what !!! I had no one to rely on but myself and my ‘so-called’ friends….in the hospitality business those friends come and go like the wind..no one is forever…..but I learned. And I grew.

Over the course of those 8-9 years I weathered a marriage, separation, divorce and singledom. I learned legal systems that didn’t work, rentals that you sign your life away on, and jobs that are best to hold on to, no matter how shitty they are. Bills have to be paid.

I thank my parents for the work ethics they instilled in me. Nothing is for free. I worked long and hard hours. I was a server, but I dishwashed and whatever else…when I could…bills had to be paid….

Before moving south I married my high school sweetheart. I had the Cinderella wedding. I knew that it would never last, I knew in my gut. As I stood up there saying my vows I saw people tearing up in the congregation. I stood there and wondered what the big deal was. DUH ! It was just a party to me. I got to be the center of attention. I WAS CINDERELLA !!! I was 20. Wasn’t that all that mattered????? HELLO???!!!!

To this day, I have no idea how much I hurt that high school sweetheart. I cheated and divorced in a matter of 18 months. I have no idea whose fault it was. Maybe it was both. I think we were just both too young to even know or have a clue as to how to communicate our feelings and needs. We were kids. We were actors in a play. And the show must go on………….or not.
I am a strong believer in what is meant to be, will be. Things happen for a reason. We may suffer as we travel, but the destination is always worth the discomfort and pain.

After being left by hubby #2, with an apartment I couldn’t afford, a truck I didn’t want and a job that didn’t pay my bills I was near the end of my rope. I had resorted to living off beer, cigarettes and popcorn. I went from a size 11 to 8 in a matter of a month. I worked 12 hour days and drank myself to sleep at night cuz I didn’t like going home alone. Eventually the drain on my body caught up with me.

In the meantime, there was a guy at work. I had absolutely NO attraction to him-- whatsoever. Me--white Scandanavian chick from North Dakota……He --from Inda. Nuf said…..Um….not so much. Not At ALL !!! Go AWAY !!!!

He was a friend of a girlfriend so I couldn’t really escape him. He didn’t pressure so much as he was persisted. I was standoffish…last thing I needed was ANOTHER MAN to fuck up my life !! I knew he wanted more. I just wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I wasn’t able to give anyone anything. I was a shell of myself. Wallowing in my own self pity and misery. Drowning it all in alcohol and endless hours of work.

I don’t think that I was ever rude…you’ld have to ask him that…but he never gave up…..then the flowers started coming. Every couple of days. HUGE boquets. To work !! For everyone to see. These were NOT cheap displays !!! Of course everyone thought I was fucking him…It infuriated me to be called a liar. God I hated that insinuation!!!

…Enter the “drain on my body”…………………..The long hours of work, lack of decent eating, and massive intake of alcohol eventually progressed into a nice urinary tract infection………….which I let go…….as I had no money for a doctor…………thought I would self treat with cranberry juice and more alcohol…………….

I left work one night, early….sacrificing my rent payment money. I couldn’t stand upright anymore. The pain was killing me. I drove home and went to bed.

I made 1 phone call that night.

And that changed my life. Forever.

I now have my dream. A family. Two healthy, happy, smart kids and a husband that loves me to no end. He infuriates me at times. As I do him, I KNOW….but, that comes with the territory….. Balance.

Life is a journey. Sometimes rocks are placed in our path to cause us to stumble… to force us to regain our footings. To reassess. Sometimes we unknowing place rocks in our OWN path, to trip ourselves up…to make us re-evaluate the path we are heading down, and to divert ourselves back to where we need to be. Everything happens for a reason.

Never wallow in your sorrows. Revel in them. Learn from them. Grow from them.