Rock Bottom

For those of you who read my last blog, you will understand. This is for preferred readers only as it is embarrassing enough just to type it. I never had a preferred list until now.

For those that didn’t read the last blog..a recap………I am quitting smoking. Today was the end. The beginning of the end. Go back and read the Muffin Top if you need to.

Today I picked the kids up at 3pm. Cracked the vodka. I had 11 cigarettes left. And I savored them….I paced them. I didn’t want to run out before I was done drinking. Heaven forbid. That has happened before. And any smoker knows that is NOT a good thing ! haha

I vaccumed, did laundry, dishes, blew out the garage and driveway and raked under our forever shedding tree.

At 7pm I sat. Vodka Cran in hand. 5 cigarettes left. Feeling a bit nauseous from the vodka. I was determined to smoke them all. No matter what.


Step back in time…..last night I made roast in the slow cooker. This morning I went to the gym, ate no breakfast, no lunch and no dinner……….

Step back to current time….7pm. Family fed, dishes done. I was filthy dirty from the raking so I needed to hit the shower.

I sat at my table in the patio….the vodka eating my stomach something awful.

I looked in my remaining pack of smokes…..4 left. The disgusted me.

I took all 4 out. I held them in my hand. And I crushed them. I broke them into tiny bits, unsalvageable.

Done. Over. The end.


I went off to the shower…..stomach on fire. The vodka burning me up. I knew better than to do vodka on an empty stomach. But I had nothing else in the house. No wine. No beer.

I stood there. The hot water running down my body. The heat of the water actually making me feel worse. So I went for it……………….Finger down the throat. God I hate that feeling. But I had to do it. Most of us have done it, if not once, twice or many times.

I thought all I would see was liquid. Vodka and cran. Where did these god awful chunks of stuff come from? I had no idea what they were. Surely wasn’t roast from the night before, and I hadn’t eaten all day…..

Didn’t matter. They weren’t going down the drain. I was going to have to pick them up and dispose of them. As if I wasn’t feeling sick enough. God, that was so fucking GROSS !!!

Not done. I knew there was more….hoping it was only gonna be liquid finally…nope. More unidentifiable chunks. I turned the water colder. I was chilled already, but the hot water was only making matters worse. I needed to cool down.


Finally I could stand and not feel that sickening feeling in my stomach. I cried. What the fuck was I doing to myself???

My Rock Bottom.

Not everyone’s bottom... Some bottoms are lower than others. But I was at mine. I hated myself. I hated what I was doing to myself.

At the same time, I was glad to be where I was. Strange as that sounds.

I cleaned up the shower. Picked up those god awful chunks that didn’t fit thru the drain strainer thing, washed the rest down.

I got out. Brushed my teeth. And I looked myself in the mirror.

I let my daughter beat me in a game of darts and am now I am headed off to bed to make love to my husband.

Tomorrow is a new day. A clean day. A fresh start. No promises. One day at a time. All I know is, I refuse to ever feel again what I felt like this evening.

Life is too short to be wasted on being wasted.