Let Those Puppies Breathe !!!

I hate shopping.

I absolutely abhor it.

I avoid the mall at all costs.

My holiday cards and gifts are always late.  Cuz I hate to go shopping for them.

I hate to shop for myself.  I hate to shop for anyone.  Period. 

It's not that I don't WANT to get gifts for others.  I just hate the act itself.  Is this selfish?   Or just plain lazy? 

But that's not even the issue here.

Is there anything more frustrating, more infuriating, or more maddening  than shopping for a new BRA?!?!!?  

GOD !!  I absolutely dread, hate and detest this chore.

See, it wouldn't be such a big deal.  See, I found a style that I absolutely LOVE !!   

But, as my fricken luck runs, that particular style has been………………………DISCONTINUED !!!!  

WTF !?!??!?!?!

And do you think I can find a similar style, in the same brand that fits right and does everything I want it to?   Of course NOT !!!

Let's look at bras.

The STRAPLESS , or has straps that you can change 100 different ways, depending on your dress.  First of all, there is not a strapless one made that don't either make our pretty globes look smashed flat or painfully squished.  And lets not even talk about the forever sliding down.  Nothing more annoying that having to hike the damn thing back up from our belly button !!!  Yes, so sexy.

UM... YEAH.... RIGHT !!!     LOL

 

The Demi-bra:  this has those lovely cups that only come up halfway, just enough to cover the nipples.  Good for those plunging necklines.  Not so good to bend over in as your boobs will now leap out of those itty-bitty cups and land in your plate of beef stroganoff.

                                

Padded Bras:  We no longer need to stuff our bras with tissues as they now come with this really cool fiberfill stuff to make it look like we got more than we really do.   Pity the poor guy when he gets this chick home and she takes this one off !!  Where did they go?????

Underwire Bras:  This one is great for lifting and holding them babies up there.  Great support for those chicks that got more than they need !   Can be uncomfortable, especially when one of those damn wires pops thru and stabs ya under the arm !!! 

T-Shirt bra:  My favorite !!  Perfect for making those handfuls look round and smooth under those tight fitting white T-shirts.  Usually just thick enough to let a bit of nip show when a cool breeze comes thru.

Push-Up Bra:  Ah yes !!!  A girl's best friend !  Every chick has one or two of these !  These have nice blobs of padding more on the sides to push the ole boobies together and up, spilling them over the top of the cups.    Remember those water bras !?  Oh  yeah, still got mine !!!

And of course, we HAVE to have a combination of these, in different colors.   You never know when you will need a black, pushup with halterstraps !!!    And so the shopping begins….

Whether you go to Wal-Mart, Target, Dillards, Macy's or Victoria Secret, the routine is the same.

You look at all the pretty bras hanging there.  You touch them, feel the cups, check out the number of hooks in the back.  Yes, that is important.  If you want any kind of support you usually want one with more than 1 or 2 hooks. 

Personally, I gotta have the underwire, with the pushup.  Hey, I'm not 29 anymore and after 2 kids, I need some damage control !!

Now, since my favorite has been discontinued I must start all over. 

First I go back to the same brand, looking for something similar.  I see a few and grab a couple diff styles.  They look great hanging there, and that chick in the picture has gorgeous ta-tas !   Mine will look like that then ! 

I wander around a bit more, checking out other brands, picking up one or two here and there, just in case.

And off to the fitting room I go…..

So there I stand, in the fitting room, nekked from waist up, a pile of pretty, lacy bras on the bench.  So I begin.

With each one I stand there, staring at my chest.  One after the other, rejected. 

                Straps fall down too easy, be pulling them up all day long

                One makes my boobs disappear

                One makes them look like fricken pointy mountain peaks

                  

                One is the wrong size on wrong hanger

                One only comes in dark purple and I need white

                One has too much lace, will show thru my t-shirts

                One makes them as flat as my sister's
      
                            

    One looks like my mother's bra   

Some I put my shirt on over to see how it looks under a tight T.   Um, okay, not so good.  Not getting laid with THOSE boobs !!!

Now, after trying all these on I have to put them all back on the hangers.  Hook the hook and wrap the straps around those dorky hanger thingies with teeth.   GRRRRR........

Put my old rag of a bra and shirt back on.

I hand them to the sales clerk and off I go …………..in search of. 

To repeat then entire process again.

There is not one article of clothing that any man goes thru this much trouble for.  Underwear?  Are you kidding me?  They are boxer or briefs, how fricken tough is THIS:

Nope, there is NOTHING more frustrating than shopping for bras.  I don't care if you buy the cheap ones or the $50 ones !  The process is all the same. 

It is a chore much easier accomplished with a second person to run back and forth for ya. 

Preferably NOT a guy.  As this could compare to him taking you shopping for a driveshaft.

It requires time.  A LOT of time.  And patience.  A LOT of patience. 

And afterwards, shots of tequila or Jack, to calm the nerves and return the blood pressure back to a somewhat measurable level.

Am I wrong here?