Wax, my ass !! Yeah, that too !

(Disclaimer:  No beavers or clams were harmed in the writing of this blog)

 

I’ve always associated hot wax with some sexy interlude with a lover.  

A bearskin rug, soft music, a fire glowing, bottle of wine chillin’ and candles burnin’.  Two glowing naked bodies intertwined in raw passion.  One partner holds the candle over the other, the anticipation of the hot wax landing on her body excites her to the core.  She tenses slightly as she watches the wax slowly trickle from the candle onto her excited flesh…….

She feels the warmth of the wax, the touch of his hands……….

Then she feels the searing, burning pain.  As the woman rips the wax and cloth from her body…taking with it a patch of hair from her most sacred place.

I’ve heard girlfriends talk of it.  How much they love it.  How smooth it is.  How low-maintenance.  How much their boyfriends love it.  How could you NOT want to do it?

Um, can we talk about the pain issue????  Is it really WORTH all that??

“Oh it doesn’t hurt as much as you think it would” 

EXCUUSE ME???   Have you given birth yet ??

You are having a stranger smear hot wax on your most sensitive private parts, then rip the god-given hair there out of your body in one wicked swoop. 

And you’re sitting here telling me it doesn’t hurt?

You lying bish !

 

I have been debating this experience the past 6 months or so.  Wanting to.  Too scared to actually cross the line.

Then a girlfriend had a friend that has been doing it for 20 plus years.  In Brazil, in NYCity, and here.  She does it in her home for a fraction of the price. 

I figured, this is my time.  And if I don’t do it again I’m only out $25 and tip. 

I arrived at her house.  I liked this idea the most.  Not in some sterile, or not so sterile, nail salon where my screams would be heard in the coffee shop next door.

She was older lady.  Her skin wrinkled from the years in the Brazilian sun.  But she was perky, personable, and she put me at ease.

We went up to her little office.  She had her computer on, with Bejeweled waiting to be played.  The table was set up with a flannel blanket.  A stand next to it holding the already simmering wax.

She told me to drop my pants and lay back on the bed.  I did.  Not much different than going to the gyno each year.   I expected to be a tad shy.  But I found myself strangely, very relaxed.

THAT was short-lived !!

We briefly discussed what shape I was going home with.  I showed her..  She turned to stir her witch’s brew and came back around with the stick full of wax. 

After blowing on it for a second or two she began smearing it on the outer top area.  The wax felt warm, my anticipation of what was to come intensified the sensation.

THAT was short-lived !!

She pressed the cloth into the wax and without warning RIPPED it from my flesh !!!

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD !!!  It literally felt like someone had scraped my skin with one of those metal pot scrubbers !

And this was only the beginning.  She continued to work her area, gradually moving south and spot ripping where needed.

Then.  She went THERE.  You know WHERE. THERE.

That wasn’t so bad.  Tickled a little, like it usually does. But it didn’t so much ‘hurt’.   I can handle THIS.

THAT was also short-lived.

Back to the top she goes on the OTHER side. 

Knowing what was coming did not help matters. I found myself tensing up, preparing for the onslaught of pot scrubbers.  And they did not let me down.

Again, she worked her trail from top to bottom.  The bottom, ironically, was a sweet release from the attack on my most prized possession.

Thinking I was nearing the end of my traumatic journey, she then says to me “I’ll need you to do something for me for the next part”

I knew EXACTLY what she was asking of me.  Thank god I’m not afraid to touch myself.  Never did it for a fellow girl before tho.  LOL

I moved my velvety soft folds of flesh to one side as she smeared the warm wax on my exposed outer pillowy lip.  This in itself was a sensation to be beheld.  I briefly traveled to that place in my mind where I hold my fantasies……

Once again, that too, was very short-lived !!

HOLY MOTHER OF FRIGGEN GOD ON EARTH !

The Pot Scrubbers had joined forces with the Steel Wool, coarse grade and it was a full on attack !

I kept telling myself “you’ve delivered 2 kids, you can do this”….then I was rudely reminded that I was allowed an epidural for THOSE !

She finished up her hair war and I once again, incorrectly, presumed that we were done.  I looked up from my flat on my back position and gasped !!

She had tweezers in her hand !  Not just any tweezers.  Not the one you have in YOUR medicine cabinet at home.   THIS one was HUGE !!  I would liken them to the tongs you have in your kitchen drawer for grabbing hot corn on the cob out of a pot of boiling water !!

Never, EVER in your lifetime attempt to tweeze THERE !  This I would compare to having needles stuck into those pillowy cushions of flesh.  NOT  any where NEAR orgasmic.  Trust me.

FINALLY.  She is done.  I look down at her work of art and I see that I have turned an inflamed shade of not quite blood red.   Maybe chimney red?

She then appeared to inspect her work.  Looking closely for any imperfections….I secretly prayed she was not a perfectionist ! 

I was not to be so lucky.  She grabbed her torture stick and did some patchwork.   THIS was actually bearable.   Patchwork is tolerable.

And then, I almost fell in love.  She had the best soothing lotion EVER !  Straight from Brazil.  I don’t know what was in it but she smeared it all over me.  

And life was good again.

I paid the woman, put my big girl panties back on and went back to the office.

I’ll be back in 3-4 weeks.  She promised it wouldn’t be so painful next time.  I’m holding her to that.

But,  I have to admit.  My baby sure is smooth !!  Hubby better appreciate what I did for him today !  And I expect to experience this appreciation first hand.  And tongue……

BFF, BF, SAS….and ME?

Went out with one of my BFF’s the other night.  She needed an ear and shoulder to vent some boyfriend shit on. 

Not one of my favorite things to do, but..

If it required ingesting cold beer some where other than home, I was bringing all my ears !

BFF has a BF of about 2 years.  BF has a BFF named “Sasquatch” (SAS).  He’s not really as big as the actual Sasquatch, but he’s a good sized dude.

And he’s got some crrraazzzzy eyes.  He be lookin at , talking to ya and one eye would just wander off in a direction all it’s own.  Freaks a bitch the fuck OUT !  

Me and the BF and SAS never really got along.  I was always just outside their circle. 

See,  BFF was married to EX.  At the same time BFF, EX and the Now BF and SAS were all friends.  I was friends with BFF only.    The EX and Now BF are no longer BFF’s, for obvious reasons.

Now that BFF and the BF are together I have gotten to know the BF and he’s pretty cool.  And I even hung out with the SAS one night and he was pretty cool. 

SAS is married with children now.  And I guess that’s not going so well.

So, me and BFF are chatting over some Happy Hour YingLings, she’s ranting on about the latest drunken antics of the BF.  Never a dull moment in her life !

She had come home at 4pm one day to find BF and SAS totally messed up.  It seems that SAS and the wife were having major issues…(she backed her car into a ditch trying to back around his car that he deliberately parked behind her so she couldn’t leave, or something like that)

Anyway, SAS’s wife thinks he’s cheating on her.  I don’t know if he is or not.  Only met the guy one night in the past 5 years, remember?

BFF is laughing so hard that she is snorting beer out her nose and trying to tell me something that apparently I need to know.

SAS’s wife thinks he’s cheating.  Yeah.  Okay.  I got that part…………….(I wait for the rest……………….)

(Wait for it…….)

(Wait for it……..)

WITH YOU !!  

 

HUH?

WHO?

ME?

I ain’t never met SAS’s wife !!!  I didn’t even know he was married until a couple weeks ago.  I ain’t seen SAS in 5 years and somehow we’re sleeping together???

HUH?

How does she even know who I am?  Or that I even exist in the first damn place???

I’m FBooked with BFF and BF only.

How does WIFE connect ME to SAS???

And then BFF says thru her nose full of beer……………

“And SAS says that you’re probly one crazy ass bitch in the sack !!”

I spit my mouthful of beer right back into her face.  And I think I peed my pants a little too.  LOL

(I’m thinking that the previous HH conversations that me and BFF have had in the presence of BF were relayed to SAS by the BF and apparently I have been the topic of discussion between them.)

Any good HH’er knows that by Hour Two, conversation will always revert to the standard HH topic…SEX.   And by Hour Two, there is no such thing as TMI.  LOL

Withholding…

I’ve never understood this concept.    No matter how spiteful you are, or try to be, or hateful you are, or determined you are to make your spouse or boyfriend miserable…..withholding sex will get you nowhere !!! 

If  you are medically unable to enjoy sex, if you are psychologically unable to enjoy sex, this is not about you.

Purposely withholding it from another person, someone you ‘supposedly’ love?    Downright the most stupidest thing you can do.

Think about it.

I’m mad at my husband.  I’m going to withhold sex as punishment.  After day 2, who’s suffering?  Him?  Doubt it. 

It’s me. 

Don’t matter how many times I fire up the old BOB, it just ain’t the same, and it never will be. 

By Day Three I’ve burnt out the motor and run out of batteries.   Damn thing starts smoking and twirling in reverse before I even get the KY out !

By Day Four I am  clawing at myself, batteries are not enough and I’ve burnt up the generator we bought last year for hurricane season. 

And don’t even THINK of looking at me like there MIGHT be something ‘off’.   I will cram that VIBRATING phone right down your throat and sit on your face !!!

Oh, and back to the one I’m punishing?  Let’s check in on him…

  He’s getting 12 hours of sleep,

Watching the game. 

Snoring like the damn wood chipper from the movie “FARGO”…….thereby,

Keeping me awake and aware of the fact that

“ I’M NOT GETTING LAID !!”

 

 

P.S.  Those of you that know me, know I didn’t make it past Day Two !  LOL

Change, for change sake

Wow, been awhile…I”ve fallen out of the Myspace Zone and into  Facebook “Family” Zone.    But.. all in all, its’ all good.   I like  it over there.

Of course, leaving my web-mother of Myspace was hard at first, I managed to break away without too much distress.  Seems my real life family at Facebook is much more comforting than I initially believed it would, or could, be.

So that has been my new home of late.  And I like it.  Alot.

Life in general hasn’t changed much outside of that.   Fortunately, or unfortunately.  The jury is still out on that yet.

Cyberly,  my life consists mostly of Farkle, Yacht and Bejeweled and beating long lost friends at their dice rolling abilities.  All good.  Competition is good for the soul, and friendships. 

I’ve reconnected with some long lost friends, lost loves and made new friends I should have had years ago, had I given them the chance.

Amazing how  maturity and cyberspace allows people to forgive, make up and renew.  Definitely a positive in lives across the cyber board.  I only wish I could find more missing connections there.  I can’t count the hours I have spent in search of lost friends and classmates…..but I don’t give up…

But, it seems not everyone is on the same cyber train as some of us.    And I guess that’s okay, they probly have their reasons.  I can’t imagine what they could be, but, to each their own, I guess.  All  I can say is, it’s a damn shame.   We really have a good time over there in Facebook……

Outside of moving my cyber life from fantasy-ville to reality, real life hasn’t changed much at all.

I still work for hubby.  For free.  I am still eternally internally aggravated and eaten alive by that fact.  But, I don’t see it changing any time soon.   My ‘boss’ doesn’t give raises  to any one, nor do I see him initiating any type of reimbursement to me for my time spent keeping him organized, up to speed, record or date on any of the four companies he controls.  

This situation gnaws at me constantly, and I wonder why I continue to let it go on….and as much as I argue it in my own head, as miserable as it makes me, I have to believe that one day,  some day, I will benefit from all this frustration.

There has to be a reason.  There has to be some logic as to why I tolerate his arrogant stubbornness, his incessant persistence of Neanderthal thinking and primitive thought process.  His selfishness, close and narrow mindedness, that only he seems to be blind too.  

I must be stronger than I ever thought myself to be.  Or am I just blinded by love……How can one emotion be so powerful to  command all the other senses of one’s person and blur everything they know to be right, so much so that even the blatant obvious has justification?

A Late Introduction….

For those of you that care to venture there, enjoy a good laugh, or an occasional blunt look into every day life, whether you just need a chuckle, a reality check or a mental “mind cleanse” ,  I have a standing blog site up and open.  

 

I have been posting there for the past couple years.  I started blogging  on MySpace where most people didn’t know me  personally.  Most of the blogs are just plain “life in general”.  Some are not for the PG rated or the soft of stomach or values.   But if any of you remember me from  years past, you know I was never one to mince words. 

 

I don’t go there every day.   Mostly it’s just the rantings or ventings of an under-socialized, over -wined, under –dined -mommy lacking a tad bit of sanity induced by crazy people under 4 feet tall.

I deal with every day life, just like you, some days the wine glass is half full, or  on a bad day, maybe half empty………but most days are a just a bit blurry and as a result , just a tad bit more entertaining…LOL

Here  is your invitation…….go check it out, Bookmark it.  Or not.  Just puttin’ it out there.

Cheers !    …….Vicki