Sloshin' Thru Life With Vicki

Wax, my ass !! Yeah, that too !

2010-02-16T19:28:00.001-05:00

(Disclaimer: No beavers or clams were harmed in the writing of this blog)

I’ve always associated hot wax with some sexy interlude with a lover.

A bearskin rug, soft music, a fire glowing, bottle of wine chillin’ and candles burnin’. Two glowing naked bodies intertwined in raw passion. One partner holds the candle over the other, the anticipation of the hot wax landing on her body excites her to the core. She tenses slightly as she watches the wax slowly trickle from the candle onto her excited flesh…….

She feels the warmth of the wax, the touch of his hands……….

Then she feels the searing, burning pain. As the woman rips the wax and cloth from her body…taking with it a patch of hair from her most sacred place.

I’ve heard girlfriends talk of it. How much they love it. How smooth it is. How low-maintenance. How much their boyfriends love it. How could you NOT want to do it?

Um, can we talk about the pain issue???? Is it really WORTH all that??

“Oh it doesn’t hurt as much as you think it would”

EXCUUSE ME??? Have you given birth yet ??

You are having a stranger smear hot wax on your most sensitive private parts, then rip the god-given hair there out of your body in one wicked swoop.

And you’re sitting here telling me it doesn’t hurt?

You lying bish !

I have been debating this experience the past 6 months or so. Wanting to. Too scared to actually cross the line.

Then a girlfriend had a friend that has been doing it for 20 plus years. In Brazil, in NYCity, and here. She does it in her home for a fraction of the price.

I figured, this is my time. And if I don’t do it again I’m only out $25 and tip.

I arrived at her house. I liked this idea the most. Not in some sterile, or not so sterile, nail salon where my screams would be heard in the coffee shop next door.

She was older lady. Her skin wrinkled from the years in the Brazilian sun. But she was perky, personable, and she put me at ease.

We went up to her little office. She had her computer on, with Bejeweled waiting to be played. The table was set up with a flannel blanket. A stand next to it holding the already simmering wax.

She told me to drop my pants and lay back on the bed. I did. Not much different than going to the gyno each year. I expected to be a tad shy. But I found myself strangely, very relaxed.

THAT was short-lived !!

We briefly discussed what shape I was going home with. I showed her.. She turned to stir her witch’s brew and came back around with the stick full of wax.

After blowing on it for a second or two she began smearing it on the outer top area. The wax felt warm, my anticipation of what was to come intensified the sensation.

THAT was short-lived !!

She pressed the cloth into the wax and without warning RIPPED it from my flesh !!!

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD !!! It literally felt like someone had scraped my skin with one of those metal pot scrubbers !

And this was only the beginning. She continued to work her area, gradually moving south and spot ripping where needed.

Then. She went THERE. You know WHERE. THERE.

That wasn’t so bad. Tickled a little, like it usually does. But it didn’t so much ‘hurt’. I can handle THIS.

THAT was also short-lived.

Back to the top she goes on the OTHER side.

Knowing what was coming did not help matters. I found myself tensing up, preparing for the onslaught of pot scrubbers. And they did not let me down.

Again, she worked her trail from top to bottom. The bottom, ironically, was a sweet release from the attack on my most prized possession.

Thinking I was nearing the end of my traumatic journey, she then says to me “I’ll need you to do something for me for the next part”

I knew EXACTLY what she was asking of me. Thank god I’m not afraid to touch myself. Never did it for a fellow girl before tho. LOL

I moved my velvety soft folds of flesh to one side as she smeared the warm wax on my exposed outer pillowy lip. This in itself was a sensation to be beheld. I briefly traveled to that place in my mind where I hold my fantasies……

Once again, that too, was very short-lived !!

HOLY MOTHER OF FRIGGEN GOD ON EARTH !

The Pot Scrubbers had joined forces with the Steel Wool, coarse grade and it was a full on attack !

I kept telling myself “you’ve delivered 2 kids, you can do this”….then I was rudely reminded that I was allowed an epidural for THOSE !

She finished up her hair war and I once again, incorrectly, presumed that we were done. I looked up from my flat on my back position and gasped !!

She had tweezers in her hand ! Not just any tweezers. Not the one you have in YOUR medicine cabinet at home. THIS one was HUGE !! I would liken them to the tongs you have in your kitchen drawer for grabbing hot corn on the cob out of a pot of boiling water !!

Never, EVER in your lifetime attempt to tweeze THERE ! This I would compare to having needles stuck into those pillowy cushions of flesh. NOT any where NEAR orgasmic. Trust me.

FINALLY. She is done. I look down at her work of art and I see that I have turned an inflamed shade of not quite blood red. Maybe chimney red?

She then appeared to inspect her work. Looking closely for any imperfections….I secretly prayed she was not a perfectionist !

I was not to be so lucky. She grabbed her torture stick and did some patchwork. THIS was actually bearable. Patchwork is tolerable.

And then, I almost fell in love. She had the best soothing lotion EVER ! Straight from Brazil. I don’t know what was in it but she smeared it all over me.

And life was good again.

I paid the woman, put my big girl panties back on and went back to the office.

I’ll be back in 3-4 weeks. She promised it wouldn’t be so painful next time. I’m holding her to that.

But, I have to admit. My baby sure is smooth !! Hubby better appreciate what I did for him today ! And I expect to experience this appreciation first hand. And tongue……

BFF, BF, SAS….and ME?

2010-02-07T17:17:00.001-05:00

Went out with one of my BFF’s the other night. She needed an ear and shoulder to vent some boyfriend shit on.

Not one of my favorite things to do, but..

If it required ingesting cold beer some where other than home, I was bringing all my ears !

BFF has a BF of about 2 years. BF has a BFF named “Sasquatch” (SAS). He’s not really as big as the actual Sasquatch, but he’s a good sized dude.

And he’s got some crrraazzzzy eyes. He be lookin at , talking to ya and one eye would just wander off in a direction all it’s own. Freaks a bitch the fuck OUT !

Me and the BF and SAS never really got along. I was always just outside their circle.

See, BFF was married to EX. At the same time BFF, EX and the Now BF and SAS were all friends. I was friends with BFF only. The EX and Now BF are no longer BFF’s, for obvious reasons.

Now that BFF and the BF are together I have gotten to know the BF and he’s pretty cool. And I even hung out with the SAS one night and he was pretty cool.

SAS is married with children now. And I guess that’s not going so well.

So, me and BFF are chatting over some Happy Hour YingLings, she’s ranting on about the latest drunken antics of the BF. Never a dull moment in her life !

She had come home at 4pm one day to find BF and SAS totally messed up. It seems that SAS and the wife were having major issues…(she backed her car into a ditch trying to back around his car that he deliberately parked behind her so she couldn’t leave, or something like that)

Anyway, SAS’s wife thinks he’s cheating on her. I don’t know if he is or not. Only met the guy one night in the past 5 years, remember?

BFF is laughing so hard that she is snorting beer out her nose and trying to tell me something that apparently I need to know.

SAS’s wife thinks he’s cheating. Yeah. Okay. I got that part…………….(I wait for the rest……………….)

(Wait for it…….)

(Wait for it……..)

WITH YOU !!

HUH?

WHO?

ME?

I ain’t never met SAS’s wife !!! I didn’t even know he was married until a couple weeks ago. I ain’t seen SAS in 5 years and somehow we’re sleeping together???

HUH?

How does she even know who I am? Or that I even exist in the first damn place???

I’m FBooked with BFF and BF only.

How does WIFE connect ME to SAS???

And then BFF says thru her nose full of beer……………

“And SAS says that you’re probly one crazy ass bitch in the sack !!”

I spit my mouthful of beer right back into her face. And I think I peed my pants a little too. LOL

(I’m thinking that the previous HH conversations that me and BFF have had in the presence of BF were relayed to SAS by the BF and apparently I have been the topic of discussion between them.)

Any good HH’er knows that by Hour Two, conversation will always revert to the standard HH topic…SEX. And by Hour Two, there is no such thing as TMI. LOL

Withholding…

2010-01-19T23:06:00.001-05:00

I’ve never understood this concept. No matter how spiteful you are, or try to be, or hateful you are, or determined you are to make your spouse or boyfriend miserable…..withholding sex will get you nowhere !!!

If you are medically unable to enjoy sex, if you are psychologically unable to enjoy sex, this is not about you.

Purposely withholding it from another person, someone you ‘supposedly’ love? Downright the most stupidest thing you can do.

Think about it.

I’m mad at my husband. I’m going to withhold sex as punishment. After day 2, who’s suffering? Him? Doubt it.

It’s me.

Don’t matter how many times I fire up the old BOB, it just ain’t the same, and it never will be.

By Day Three I’ve burnt out the motor and run out of batteries. Damn thing starts smoking and twirling in reverse before I even get the KY out !

By Day Four I am clawing at myself, batteries are not enough and I’ve burnt up the generator we bought last year for hurricane season.

And don’t even THINK of looking at me like there MIGHT be something ‘off’. I will cram that VIBRATING phone right down your throat and sit on your face !!!

Oh, and back to the one I’m punishing? Let’s check in on him…

He’s getting 12 hours of sleep,

Watching the game.

Snoring like the damn wood chipper from the movie “FARGO”…….thereby,

Keeping me awake and aware of the fact that

“ I’M NOT GETTING LAID !!”

P.S. Those of you that know me, know I didn’t make it past Day Two ! LOL

Change, for change sake

2009-12-06T01:27:00.001-05:00

Wow, been awhile…I”ve fallen out of the Myspace Zone and into Facebook “Family” Zone. But.. all in all, its’ all good. I like it over there.

Of course, leaving my web-mother of Myspace was hard at first, I managed to break away without too much distress. Seems my real life family at Facebook is much more comforting than I initially believed it would, or could, be.

So that has been my new home of late. And I like it. Alot.

Life in general hasn’t changed much outside of that. Fortunately, or unfortunately. The jury is still out on that yet.

Cyberly, my life consists mostly of Farkle, Yacht and Bejeweled and beating long lost friends at their dice rolling abilities. All good. Competition is good for the soul, and friendships.

I’ve reconnected with some long lost friends, lost loves and made new friends I should have had years ago, had I given them the chance.

Amazing how maturity and cyberspace allows people to forgive, make up and renew. Definitely a positive in lives across the cyber board. I only wish I could find more missing connections there. I can’t count the hours I have spent in search of lost friends and classmates…..but I don’t give up…

But, it seems not everyone is on the same cyber train as some of us. And I guess that’s okay, they probly have their reasons. I can’t imagine what they could be, but, to each their own, I guess. All I can say is, it’s a damn shame. We really have a good time over there in Facebook……

Outside of moving my cyber life from fantasy-ville to reality, real life hasn’t changed much at all.

I still work for hubby. For free. I am still eternally internally aggravated and eaten alive by that fact. But, I don’t see it changing any time soon. My ‘boss’ doesn’t give raises to any one, nor do I see him initiating any type of reimbursement to me for my time spent keeping him organized, up to speed, record or date on any of the four companies he controls.

This situation gnaws at me constantly, and I wonder why I continue to let it go on….and as much as I argue it in my own head, as miserable as it makes me, I have to believe that one day, some day, I will benefit from all this frustration.

There has to be a reason. There has to be some logic as to why I tolerate his arrogant stubbornness, his incessant persistence of Neanderthal thinking and primitive thought process. His selfishness, close and narrow mindedness, that only he seems to be blind too.

I must be stronger than I ever thought myself to be. Or am I just blinded by love……How can one emotion be so powerful to command all the other senses of one’s person and blur everything they know to be right, so much so that even the blatant obvious has justification?

A Late Introduction….

2009-11-12T23:03:00.001-05:00

For those of you that care to venture there, enjoy a good laugh, or an occasional blunt look into every day life, whether you just need a chuckle, a reality check or a mental “mind cleanse” , I have a standing blog site up and open.

I have been posting there for the past couple years. I started blogging on MySpace where most people didn’t know me personally. Most of the blogs are just plain “life in general”. Some are not for the PG rated or the soft of stomach or values. But if any of you remember me from years past, you know I was never one to mince words.

I don’t go there every day. Mostly it’s just the rantings or ventings of an under-socialized, over -wined, under –dined -mommy lacking a tad bit of sanity induced by crazy people under 4 feet tall.

I deal with every day life, just like you, some days the wine glass is half full, or on a bad day, maybe half empty………but most days are a just a bit blurry and as a result , just a tad bit more entertaining…LOL

Here is your invitation…….go check it out, Bookmark it. Or not. Just puttin’ it out there.

Cheers ! …….Vicki

“i’ll never be like MY parents”

2009-11-12T22:08:00.001-05:00

My parents went to bed at 10pm. No matter what.

I had to be in bed by 9pm up until my senior year. After that I was allowed to watch tv until 11pm.

I couldn’t “date” until I was 16. Except my first REAL boyfriend happened to be the son of my parents classmates so that was okay. I snuck in a couple months early.

I was a cheerleader. I was a track team member. I played team volleyball. I was on the honor society and in school clubs.

But if any of those functions interfered with my parent’s bedtime I either had to leave early or I didn’t attend.

Heaven forbid if the BB game went into overtime and my parents had to get out of bed to come get me. No. I left the game early. The mascot. Humiliating.

I am now the parent of a 12 and 9 yr old.

My husband wants to go to bed at 8:30 every night.

I understand, he gets up at 5am to be at the gym and then puts in a full day at the office. I get it.

But where is it written that a father’s job stops after he’s been fed a full course dinner?

Does MY job stop after dinner?

Journey to Nowhere?

2009-10-24T21:15:00.001-04:00

you ever think about the life path you’re on? It feels right, but still you wonder if it’s going in the direction it was meant to or that maybe you did something in the past that altered it just a teensy bit?

I know I’m traveling with the right people but I wonder sometimes if maybe it’s just a degree or two off course, I’m going in the right direction, just taking a slightly longer route than initially planned?

And I think that is so frustrating. I feel like I should be somewhere by now, ya know? I should be arriving SOME where, or at least I should see the exit signs on my highway telling me that I’m at least close?

But most days I just keep my wheels turning, looking for a sign, an exit, or even a rest stop, something to tell me I’m almost there.

Frustrating when you feel like all you do is travel and never seem to reach anywhere.

There needs to be an end before THE End? Don’t you think? I mean, we work all our lives to get to SOME where……..but we don't spend all that time trying to get to the final END…do we? Is that all there is?

I need a layover. I need a place to land. A place to stop. A place to reflect before moving on to the next leg of the journey…….

And then, at the same time, I feel like there’s so much I haven’t done, should have done, could have done, and yet, will never do.

I read obituaries. I like to see what people do in their lifetimes. Some travel such amazing journeys, experience such amazing things. Have amazing jobs, go places, see things.

I look at my life and I have nothing to amaze anyone with. Not even myself. I have done nothing. Seen nothing. Experienced nothing. I will have the most boring obituary ever.

I don’t regret where I am today. Don’t get me wrong. Honestly.

However, I wish I had done more before I got here. Many things I wish I had pursued and didn’t, dreams I should have chased, gut feelings I should have listened to, inspirations I should have thought harder about.

There is nothing more irking than to regret not what you HAVE done, but what you have NOT done.

(not an original quote, somebody cool said it before me, of course)

Home Is Where The Heart Is…

2009-09-04T23:44:00.001-04:00

Easy statement. Harder question……

Where IS home…….Really?

I ‘go’ home. Then I ‘come’ home.

Then I miss ‘home’ while I’m ‘home’.

Is “Home” where you come from?

Or where you go back to?

I will never forget where I came from. What a wonderful life I lived, back then. I so miss that.

Traditions. Holidays. People.

But, we can’t go back.

We can try to bring the past with us. Pass it on.

But life isn’t as simple as it was back then.

So many digital and cyber interruptions.

A written letter is a thing of the past.

A birthday or anniversary card is a memory.

Home is where the heart is……..

I’m not sure where that it sometimes.

Anymore.

Sometimes I want to go home.

Then, when I think I’m there, I want to go home.

Sometimes I want Home to come to me?

And if it did, would I recognize it?

Dr. Fingers

2009-09-04T21:16:00.001-04:00

I’ve had the same gyno for the past 11 years. He delivered my son 9 years ago.

I’m okay with Dr. Fingers. For a Cuban Old Fart. Whose office is all the way downtown O-Town. He gets the job done.

These visits are like watching paint dry. I kid you not.

After 26 years of pap smears and 2 kids, having some half bald old fart stick his fingers up my cootch while talking beach resorts in south Florida really doesn’t affect me . AT ALL.

It’s like getting your tires rotated or your oil changed. Painless. And Boring.

After shittin’ on the birthin’ table (yes, we sometimes do that), then getting pretty barrettes placed on my fallopian tubes…….

Could anything be more embarrassing?

Maybe having oral sex with a stranger from a bar and waking up to his face covered in a nice shade of ‘pink’ ???

I’ll go with old fart talking beach resorts, thank you very much. LOL

So, guys, here’s how it all ‘goes down on the spread’..

We make our annual appointment based around our current cycle. We don’t go too soon before or too soon after Aunt Flo. She’ll will either make an early appearance promptly following a visit or make an uninvited quick sleepover right after said appointment. Neither of which is acceptable to owner of cavity. So the timing of the appointment is crucial. And we are not shy in expressing this when making said appointment

Before said appt we are sure to attend to the landscaping. However, we do not want to appear TOO trimmed, hence giving the effect of primping. Nor do we what to appear to have failed to maintain our yard work.

But honestly girls, Dr. Fingers really don’t give a rat’s ass if your cooter is dressed for the red carpet or not.

Just shower that morning. Please.

First, there’s the breast exam. One arm up.

“Did I shave?” Circles. Circles. Circles.

Other arm up.

“Did I remember deodorant?”

Circles, circles circles

Guys, they really DO look all the same. At least to him/her. It takes all of about 30 seconds for him to do both boobs. That’s more time than YOU spend on them in a week !!

And, no. my nipples do not get hard.. You wish.

My feet are up in stirrups. My bare ass is hanging off the end of the table. Sometimes there is a nice warm lamp at the end…. warm is good. Ahhh.

Kinda like your breath would feel if you took the time…………………..anyway………

There are these really scary things called SPECULUMS. They have these wingnuts on them that make the jaws spread. Kinda like those Jaws Of Life things you see on the History Channel …………

The really nice doctors warm them up first.

Or not…that would be kinda akin to Married Sex……

Maybe only the female drs. do that….…….go figure. Hmph

Spread Lips….Insert Speculum….Insert Long Stick…..Scrap tonsils with very long stick………..Withdraw.

That’s it??? You’re done? It’s over? Are you kidding??

What??? There’s more??

In goes the finger….oops. Maybe two?….

Two fingers in. Deep. AND he pushes down on those same fingers with his other hand from the outside…….yes, those ARE my ovaries…..NO, this is NOT THIRD BASE !!! WTF !!! Watch the bladder !!! UGH !

He withdraws his rubber gloved hand, disposes of his protection and says “everything looks fine. See the girl at the front for payment.”

How’s that compare to your “Turn And Cough” visit?

To Update or Not…Who Goes There Anymore?

2009-08-27T19:32:00.001-04:00

I rearrange my furniture on a monthly basis. I hate the same ole, same ole. Rog gets pissed when I do this cuz he likes things the same ole boring, boring. So just to turn the spoon in his gut a tad, I like to rearrange furniture when he’s out at happy hour. Then I go to bed. With ALL the lights off .

KaThump.

*giggle*

MotherFuck!!!

*fake snore* *giggle*

Us girls. We get our kicks from the simplest of shit at your expense. LOL

He especially loves me when I clean the garage.

We still ain’t found that metal stick that goes in the car jack that ya use to hike the car up….it’s been 10 years MIA.

I KNOW I didn’t throw it out. It’s bright yellow. Just like the rest of the jack. I ain’t THAT dumb !!! (Yes, I CAN change a tire, so I KNOW what that stick is for. AND a Tire Wrench, for those pesky LUGNUTS! No, they are NOT ‘bolts’. )

Where was I? ……………….Oh yeah ! Rearranging shit.

This myspace profile thing. Who goes there anymore?

My page is the same it has been since the last finale of American Idol. When Adam Lambert didn’t win. When he sang that Tears For Fears song “Mad World”.

And I only know this cuz I had to forage thru the tumbleweeds and cobwebs myself there today. LOL

So, when was the last time you updated your profile? Or are you Farklin’ around on Facebook like everyone else? And only coming here for your blog fix?

Too bad Facebook don’t have Blog Capabilities. Put Myspace right outta biz, wouldn’t it? LOL

Farkle On, Dudes !!!

Heart and Brain Surgeries. Nova or Braces ?

2009-08-25T08:34:00.001-04:00

I have the worst luck with vacuum cleaners. If I had a dollar for each one I have bought over the years I could have had a Dyson. I had one of those WindTunnel versions once. I think I spent more time cleaning the damn filter than cleaning my house. There ain’t nothing better than an old fashioned bag vacuum.

But alas, that one has taken a crap on me, as well. I feed it everything and it seems to digest well. This seems to be an issue with his heart. He seems to want to eat, but his heart just works so hard it starts to smell like burnt rubber. I attempted to perform dissection but I dared not enter into heart surgery. I am hoping he will be released from ICU tomorrow. The dustbunnies are starting to gather forces and I fear a hostile takeover is in the works !!

My computer at work also seems to have caught a bug. This, I believe, is brain related. I think it’s in a coma as I have tried repeatedly to awaken it, it’s face just stares at me blankly with the words “Windows has failed to start due to a missing or corrupt file”.

I am admitting him to the ER this morning in hopes of either resurrecting him or doing brain replacement surgery. Luckily I have taken the precautionary steps to back up his gray matter and will have him back to his old self in no time!

I know this stuff comes in 3’s. I am cautiously watching for the next shoe to drop. Whatever it is, please let it be cheap.

Kids started school yesterday. I dropped them off at their respective locations, looking forward to enjoying the peace and quiet. But I was aghast to discover that the little rascals found their way home again that same afternoon !! I’m taking them directly back again this morning and hoping for better results today !

We have medical insurance. In order to keep our premiums low we have a very high deductible. Ahem, $10,000. We don’t get sick so why pay a higher premium if we’re not using the service? I know, this is a bit of a catch22. Works great as long as no one NEEDS to use it, sucks if one of us breaks an arm or leg. And all our well care visits are 100% free.

Well, I am investigating the Novasure procedure and as our deductible stands I will be paying out of pocket for the whole thing. Today I will be making phone calls to get prices on what I can expect to pay for this luxury. I am told that being I have a high deductible and will be a self-pay patient, that I have ‘bargaining power’ and the surgical centers are willing to negotiate.

As I am not having any more children I don’t see the need to experience that life-interrupting event for the another 15 years. Therefore, I deem it feasible to fork out a few grand to relieve myself of that hindrance. Because, damn it, I deserve it.

Daughter needs braces. Hubby thinks now MY elective should be put on back burner so that Alexx can get her braces. Um, I understand where you’re coming from, but I don’t think that, once again, my needs, wants and desires have to be pushed to the end of the line, AGAIN. Damn it, can I just ONCE have something I want, just cuz I think I DESERVE it????? It’s MY money. We can make payments on the dern braces. Just like everybody else does !!!

So, in order to win this one I have to gather all my research and make calls all over town to find an orthodontist with reasonable fees to satisfy his damn tightwad ass.

No, dental is not included in the insurance plan.

~~Vickilicious………….Good Day !

it’s just SEX, people !!!

2009-08-21T13:41:00.001-04:00

It’s human nature. Granted, it’s sole purpose is to procreate, but God gave us the tools to enjoy it, as well.

Men require sex to be pleasureful in order to spread the seed to make baby.

Clitorises. Their SOLE purpose is to provide pleasure. We don’t necessarily NEED one to enjoy sex or achieve an orgasm, but I think I’ll keep mine, all the same. Thank you very much. :)

But I’m done procreating. The baby-making machine has been placed into permanent retirement.

The love-making machine, however is in full working order and is still employed, indefinitely.

Alas, I’ve been informed that I am not allowed to contract out my love-making machine, lest the financial support for the assumed owner of said love-making machine shall cease to exist. Designated Financial Provider has firmly stated that he does not SHARE his(?) love-making machine.

(HIS machine? I don’t recall an exchange of 50 goats and a cow for ownership of this machine????)

FINE. GRRR.

But let’s go there anyway……..cuz you know I will go there !!

(I am going to put this in first person, only because it’s easier to formulate ideas and get my point across. Besides, this makes it more personal and I hope you can relate to the objective of the whole thing. )

I am married. And I entered into a commitment with a single individual for the expected life term of “til death do us part. “

Yada yada yada

However after eating at the same restaurant every day for a few years I want to change up the menu just a bit?

What’s wrong with the current menu I have? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ! I love it !! I adore it!! It’s fulfilling. It’s satisfying. And it’s delicious. But it’s the SAME all the time.

You ask “Why not introduce something new and different ideas to the current menu?”

What if the current menu refuses to change things up, --no ifs, ands or --butts? (tee hee-- Pun)

The offer to bring in an additional ‘chef’ is refused.

The offer to get some new ‘utensils’ is refused.

I can’t even get chef to vary the location of the meal.

So, herein lies my predicament. I am forced to be presented the same meal for the rest of my life. No recipe alterations. No adding of any spices. No changing up of the presentation.

Exact. Same. Dish. Every. Day. Til. One. Of. Us. Croaks.

I also seem to be fed only when the chef is hungry. I have all but stopped waving him down for fear of the restaurant being closed. AGAIN.

Very frustrating. And after awhile one starts to feel kinda dejected. (Even tho I know the chef doesn’t mean for me to feel that way.)

Don’t get me wrong. He’s feeding the need, but not satisfying the underlying hunger.

And as time goes on the hunger becomes so powerful that it starts to consume me, starts to feed off my mind. I become ravenous.

People like this are not looking to have an all out affair with someone. They are not looking for a week long fling. It’s just sex. Nothing more.

They are not out to break up marriages or homes. And they are not looking for it to be a habit or an adopted routine.

Only their significant other can make love to them as no one can. And they are NOT looking to replace them.

Be they men or women, it really doesn’t matter. Some can be happy with what they have, and will tolerate it for the belief that they are not to step outside ‘their restaurant’. And that’s okay. More power to them.

However, there are those that need to get out of the soft pastry section and step into the mosh pit of hard rolls.

If the Significant Other is unwilling or uninterested in trying a hard roll, what then?

From the female point of view, guys ! We LOVE the soft and gentle touches, the music, wine and candles. It’s all good.

But damn it!! Every now and then we want to get thrown up against the wall and fucked like you don’t know my name AND I owe you money!

If what they want ain’t on the home menu, eventually they will order drive-thru. Might only be a one-time thing. Might be once every couple years. But it WILL happen.

Girls, same thing. You gotta step outside your comfort zones once in awhile. Slob the knob and take it up the ass every now and then.

No one every died from swallowing. And your butt will only hurt for a little while.

Christ, if you can drop an 8 pound kid out of your cooch you sure as hell can take on a 6 inch rod in the ass.

And get off your back and on your hands and knees. If you don’t want your chef tossing some other chick’s salad you best be providing your own ingredients at home.

So, let’s say one chose the drive-thru route. What now?

Guilt? Maybe. Consequence of the game. Either swallow the guilt or deal with the aftermath of spilling your guts.

Remember. It’s just SEX. NO emotional attachment or commitment to the other party.

But I’m betting that after tasting the drive-thru, the home menu looks even MORE delicious than it did before.

Love, Honor and Fornicate

2009-08-21T10:02:00.001-04:00

So, last blog we chatted about cheating. Seems the general consensus is that it’s BAD. LOL

And I stated that I was kinda on the fence with the whole thing.

First, take a gander at this I found. Click it to find the site it came from. Interesting info. :

“History brings forth a conclusive evidence. The enforced should-be monogamy, no matter how much it is sanctioned legally or socially, or how righteous it is portrayed religiously, it was never originated from the Scriptures, and has never been set as the only standard for marriage by God. It originated from the pagan Romans.”

Well. Imagine THAT.

Monogamy had nothing to do with God.

So whose idea was it to put the fidelity in marriage?

I know. The Bible touts how sinful coveting another man’s wife is. And some swear that there’s mention of gay sex being sinful too.

Yes, I believe in God. And Yes, I am going go heaven. But, come on? You believe EVERYTHING in a book transcribed thousands of years ago and translated dozens of times over?

You ever play that game where you sit in a circle and one person starts a phrase and whispers it in the next person’s ear….and it travels round the circle. By the time it gets back to the beginning it is nothing even close to what it started out as?

There ya go.

Yeah so, here’s my take on the monogamy thing.

I was brought up with the whole faithful for life theory. And I actually believed it and lived it.

Today, I still believe IN it, I just don’t think it’s reality anymore. Times have changed. Society has changed. And people have too.

In MY perfect world, we would be married. With all the strings and responsibilities. But without the requirements of monogamy.

Monogamy should not be a condition of, or promise within a marriage.

If you look at any basic traditional wedding vows, they may include the word “faithful”. But that word, in itself, is a tad broad, don’t ya think?.

Faithful to what and how? To you with all my heart and soul? Our commitment to share a life and living arrangements? To our kids? To provide for you and they financially and emotionally? Tho richer or poorer, thru sickness or health?

Where, in any wedding vows, does it state that we pledge to be faithful in body?

I’m not saying I condone the extra-marital relationships. Just saying I don’t think it’s such a terrible, despicable thing anymore.

I know I’m not the only one that thinks or feels this way, but I’m probly in the minority. And I’m sure my husband wouldn’t appreciate this point of view. But, it’s mine and I’m entitled to it.

OK. Hit me with the comments. I’m sure the girls are gonna cream me on this one ! LOL

Stepping Out

2009-08-20T09:03:00.002-04:00

There was a time when infidelity was unacceptable. Intolerable. Disgraceful. In Puritan days of the 1640’s it was punishable by death.

If you were lucky, you might be lucky enough to simply have the Scarlet Letter “A” plastered on your chest for every one to see.

Fast forward some 300 years and we have the ‘60’s. Free love, drugs, alcohol and sex were the norm.

You shared everything and everyone. And no one blinked an eye. It was all in the name of mankind, equality and sharing.

( I would have loved to have experienced THAT era!! I can be very sharing. )

Move another 50 years to the present and we have movies, tv, books and real life blasting us with sex from every direction.

Commercials for drugs and lubricants to enhance sex are as common as ads for air fresheners.

Movies such as Unfaithful portraying cheating as desperate, passionate, immoral and deadly.

(Awesome movie, by the way. Richard Gere, Oliver Martinez and Diane Lane. HOT SEX !)

Talk shows discussing infidelity openly and candidly, as if they were discussing the new spring fashion line.

Girlfriends discussing their own cheating, or plans to cheat, or asking other friends to cover for them….

PEOPLE !! The BFF’s are even cheating-- WITH each other !!

(K, that’s kinda hot tho….)

Is there more cheating going on than before?

Or are we just talking more openly about it?

Does society accept cheating more easily now than it used to?

Or is society just more tolerant and turning a blind eye to it?

I Want To Know What Love Is

2009-08-12T17:21:00.001-04:00

I love that song. Foreigner. 1984. I was 18. Ah, what a wonderful time that was. I was engaged and planning a wedding.

Guess I didn’t know what love was cuz 3 years later I was divorced. *shrugs shoulders* If I only knew then what I know now, huh?

There’s this website for kids call Meez. It’s a social interactive site, kinda like a teen version of Club Penquin. There’s fashion contests, rooms to decorate, friends to befriend and unfriend. Music to hear, games to play and love to be found.

Today there are these 2 neighbor boys here playing with my son on their Meez sites. My son is 9 and girls ain’t what he’s all about. My son’s user name is Slayer. Viscious one, he is. ha ha

This other boy. His username is LadiesMan333. He’s 10.

As I sit here and listen to their conversation I shake my head and think of all the heartbreak that lies ahead for Mr. LadiesMan333.

“Hey guys, I got a girlfriend” Um? Just like that?

“Yeah, I asked her and she said YES”

And his younger brother goes “Are you sure? Did you ask her if she loves you?”

“Yeah and she said she does”

“She said to meet her at the beach”

I guess there’s a beach in this socialville.

But she wasn’t there.

Logan said “She’s offline, dude, she left you”

“No uh huh. She must have meant the real beach, like Daytona or something”

I almost spit out my beer on that one ! LOL

If only love was that easy. You find someone. You ask them if they love you --after 30 seconds of chasing them around a cyberroom decorated in kungfu swords and a drumset.

And after all these years of time and money I spent on dinner, drinks, flowers, cards and meaningless sex. Just to get him to keep calling me the following week.

Apparently breaking up with someone in Meez is a hell uva lot easier than real life too. You just ‘ban them from your room’.

Shit. I ain’t never banned anyone from MY room. Ever. It cost me too much to get them in there in the first place.

Besides, I made sure they didn’t want to leave.

Tee Hee

Pickled and Poked

2009-08-10T21:26:00.001-04:00

It’s been one of those weeks.

WHAT???!! It’s only Monday? Really? I thought it was Monday last week? Sure seemed like Monday last week. ESPECIALLY on Thursday !! THAT was definately a MONDAY !!

School. 14 days and counting. That’s 336 hours. That’s 20,160 minutes. That’s 1,209,600 seconds. That’s too long for me to hold my breath. Hell, I can’t even beer binge that long anymore. UGH.

Logan got his first phone this weekend. $300 phone --for $8.88 --with new 2 yr contract. Can’t beat that, right? Unlimited Texting and Minutes….Only $46/month from here on out….THAT includes insurance on the phone. HELLO? He’s 9 . I give him till Halloween. LOL

Now….PLEASE…. STOP TEXTING ME FROM THE COUCH TELLING ME YOU’RE BORED !!!

I’m fat this week. I’m also a bit cranky. Cuz I’m not sleeping at night. Cuz sometimes I have to wear a diaper in my underwear at night!! VERY SEXY. (FYI: I don’t WEAR underwear otherwise)

And I’m spending alot of time in the bathroom. And My cooter hurts from all that cotton pokin shit.

LOLOLOL OMG….THAT IS FUCKIN’ HILARIOUS !!

GET IT? Cotton Pokin’ Shit ?!?!?!

Kinda like ---Cottin’ Pickin’ Shit !!!

OMG ! I am. at this VERY minute. precisely pickled to the point of positive PERFECTION !! LOL

Diarrhea….

2009-07-30T21:43:00.001-04:00

According to Circle I got shit in my head bouncing off the walls.

Well ain’t that the fricken truth? I’m in flux. I sit here staring at the screen wishing I had something to say. How do these other blogger just puke shit out day after day??

Ya know what I think? Their SINGLE. Married people got nothing to say. K least I don’t.

Pam, you’re an exception. You’re married to Mark. Never a dull moment with Mr. Handyman…LOL (sorry Mark) But you live in Oklahoma?. Writin’ that one off to just plain ‘small town nosieness’. lol

Summer vacation is over. I have 26 days until school starts and life starts over again. Only parents understand this.

For you single guys, it’s like waiting for your girlfriend to bleed.

I have quit smoking for 142 days. I gained 12 pounds. That is .08 a day. That’s a DUI in most states.

Favorite song today: “I Got A Feeling” Black Eyed Peas.

Did you know Fergie’s husband is from North Dakota?? Minot. That be MY state. Who is Josh Duhamel??? Um……

Yeah, born, bred and corn fed in North Dakota !!

I miss Jill from Kentucky’s silliness…….. I miss Deborah from Richmond’s thoughts that make me think……. I miss watching Princess grow..….. I miss Durt from LA. I worry about him. I hope he’s okay. I hope he finds what he’s looking for.

It’s like last call in a shitty bar with no ride home.

“Where’d everybody go?”

Circle watches some silly show called Big Brother. :) LOL yeah whatever…I just got Showtime free for a year cuz Directv likes me. Anyhoo…. he tells me that they were talking about sex the other night.

OMY GOD. NO FRICKEN WAY ??? WHO DOES THAT???? (god I miss that )

It seems the topic of convo was positions.

Yeah, I got lots to say about that. Think I have to go into that in a whole nutter blog…… tee hee (get it? nutter? lol)

Oh, by the way…….that song by Black Eyed Peas….”I Got A Feeling” fricken ROCKS !!! I want to wet my pants everytime I hear it !! My factory installed Honda Civic speakers are suckin air when that comes on ! LOL Did I mention that already?

Funny. When I first starting blogging it was all about inserting pictures to go along with the words.

Yeah, that too much work. Over that.

Read me……. Or don’t.

Does anyone HATE the Phineas and Ferb Theme Song more than me?

I want to be George Lopez’s mother when I’m her age.

Me and Charlie from “Two And A Half Men” would be awesome friends. I envy him.

So what’s everyone think about this Facebook thing?

Oh STOP !! We know you’re over there. Don’t be no hypocrite.

We all know you hidin’ out over there. Being some REAL person you wish you were with some family you wish you had with some man you wish you were fuckin’. LOLOLOL

JFYI: I’m still Vicki. I’m still a beer/wine drunk. I still love sex. I”m still married. I still have 2 kids. Don’t matter what cyber.com you find find me at…I’m still just the same old Viclet.

How’s that for not having anything to say? LOL Took me 2.43 hours to write…….and only 3 beers……damn. i slippin’. lol hubby crashed in bed. got 3 kids on floor camping sleepover watching George Lopes and here I sit……..”do I stay or should I go?” ………

Farkle anyone?

Small Towns=Big Friends.

2009-07-21T23:52:00.001-04:00

I’m guessing that most of ya have never bumped into anyone from North Dakota. It’s kind of an ‘out of the way’ place. I understand. No big deal.

Living in the upper Mid-West is hard. It’s relentless. It’s punishing. It’s unforgiving. It’s taxing and demanding.

But it’s also loving. It’s trusting. It’s loyal. It’s forgiving. And. It’s family.

It’s all I knew, all my life. And, like any teenager, dreamed of bigger, brighter and better. Couldn’t wait to get out. Bigger cities, brighter lights, better pay, better jobs, better life………… but…………

There is nothing like pancake and sausage feeds, county fairs, fishing off a dock catching absolutley nothing, cold beers, close friends, weekends, mosquitoes, fireworks over the lake, parades, s’mores over a campfire and family and friends…..

And you will NEVER find better people. Anywhere.

Every year, every summer, I am reminded of this.

And every year my eyes are opened. Every year I get “grounded”.

Every year I come back to Florida with new vision. Refreshed. Revitalized. Renewed.

Ya don’t know what ya got till it’s gone……

I just wanna say……….YOU GUYS ROCK !!

You are THE best family and friends I could ever have. Period

Thanks for sticking with me. Hanging in there. Hanging out.

You have NO idea what it means to me.

I love you guys.

Vicki

NASCAR Virgin

2009-07-06T18:17:00.002-04:00

NASCAR fans are in a race all their own.

That is undeniably and inarguably true.

There is NO other spectator sport where a fan is willing to sit

in 93 degree heat,
in the sun,
with their 5 children,
for FIVE hours.
staring at an empty infield and watching absolutely NOTHING --
make a left turn -after a left turn -after a left turn –oh look, another left turn. (was that 4 turns?)

They are in a race all their own. Hands down.

And shirts off. (whole ‘nuther story)

So, Roger scores these free NASCAR tickets from one of his reps. They are Suite Tickets for Friday’s race. Free food. Free beer. Air Conditioned room. And a trip to the infield FanZone.

We get to the Speedway at 1:30pm. Our Suite doesn’t officially open until 3pm so we have some time to wander around. It’s not real busy as it’s obviously early and it’s not a BIG race day. That’s Saturday.

(at this point we had no idea HOW early we really were) chuckle

We leisurely wander around. Taking in the sites. There’s many fans already set up camp in the stands. They all have nifty soft-side coolers, as is the rule. Filled with whatever don’t set off the dogs. LOL

Personally, if I had to supply MY beer appetite for this many hours BEFORE the race and then THRU the race -I would need something MORE than what I could carry over my shoulder.

just saying.

Various employees are arriving and the vendors are setting up their mini-money-maker/rip-you-off cocktail and/or munchie stands.

For example, a single bottle of Budweiser, $6.00. (cough) A Bloody Mary, (no telling WHAT vodka, if any) was $8.00. (choke)

Yeah, okay. Let me get back to you on that after I talk to my mortgage broker……..

So we got an hour to kill, we decide to take the tram to the Fan Zone. Cuz our tickets include that.

We think we’re special. LOL

This is the area between the infield (where the winner does his show-off spin-out-shit )…..

….and the RV area where the squatters plant their homes for the entire week and live out of pop-up campers with their in-laws, …or whoever else will split the bill.

Now, that is all fine and dandy. God Bless Ya. But the funniest thing I saw, and I am so sorry I missed getting a pic…

These people, on top of packing clothing, food, shelter and toilet paper…….pack THESE !!!

They are set up, full, and contain people !!

(and I’m betting just about every bodily fluid that can be expelled sober or drunk without getting arrested)

Too fricken funny. How long do you plan on staying in one place that you think to pack and erect these???? On top of the bare essentials……like toilet paper?

just askin’.

FINALLY, it’s 3pm. FINALLY. I get a fricken Free Beer.

So we are allowed into this ‘suite’. We pick our seats, looking thru this huge window out over all the less fortunate fans, sweating their asses off, drinking beverages out of their soft-side coolers and smoking Marlboros like there was a winning lottery ticket at the end of one of ‘em ! LOL

(That’s funny, cuz that used to be me!)

The room starts to fill up just a bit. The hostess lady is checking us in, crossing our names off the list, making sure we ain’t some RV squatter from cross-field trying to snitch in on a luxury ride of free food and beer.

Me and Rog sit in our seats and gander out thru our plate glass window. We see fans filter in and out and back and forth.

To be honest, I actually enjoy ‘people watching’ more than anything.

And Lord, a NASCAR race is THE PERFECT place to people watch !!!

As the hostess is checking us in I apparently ask the dumbest question of the day…..

”what time does the race start? 5? 6?”

Remember, I haven’t the slightest clue as to what I was getting into leaving the house at noon that morning…….I was hoping, since the Suite opened at 3pm that the race would start around 5 or 6 and I would be home by 9ish that night….

Silly me.

“No, it’s scheduled to start at 8”

“scheduled?”

“yes, sometimes it runs late”.

“okaaaay. thank you”

I turn to Rog. I am not sure if I should smile sweetly or just let him run an IV into my liver right here.

Here I sit. It’s 3pm. Race don’t start until 8pm.

And all the FREE beer I can drink.

I look at Rog.

He looks at me.

We kinda chuckle amongst ourselves and actually ‘discuss’ that if I have one beer every half hour I will be on #10ish at race start…..on top of the food, I should still be coherent enough to see then of the race………

Yeah, well.

That didn’t happen.

………………………

Over the course of the next 5 hours I paced myself. We were served wings, egg rolls, fried chicken, hotdogs,moz sticks, salad, and cheesecake !!

I did good. I kept myself entertained by the fans outside our window that had no idea that they were being watched thru our one-way suveillance window.

This particular guy kept my attention.

He had this straw hat on that said “HillBilly”.

WHY anyone would advertise something that was already blatantly obvious is beyond me.

He got his “HillBilly” hat on, cigarette smoke rollin’ out of his mouth and his ‘oh-so-attractive-tattoo’ right out there for everyone to see………….if you could get past the pooch-belly he was showing off above his WAY-too-low khaki shorts.

So, that was my view for 5 hours to my front left.

To my right was this…………..

She had 5 kids with her. She handled all of them quite well…..I’m guessing the kids have been thru this routine before and knew that if there was gonna be breakfast in the morning they best be quiet and let Momma smoke her Marlboros and drink her ‘koolaid’ .

This was my entertainment. People, sitting out in the 93 degree heat, sweating, smoking, drinking and …patiently waiting for their whole year’s savings to cumulate into a win for their favorite car or driver.

And me, in my 65 degree comfortable air conditioning.

God Damn It!! Can ya turn the air up just a little?? My nose is running and my beer has ice in it !

I kid you not. I sat there for 5 fricken hours and froze my ass off !!!

I couldn’t have gotten drunk if naked hula girls or the Chippendales were serving me my beer !!!

It, honestly, was the longest 5 hours of my life.

OMG!! The race is FINALLY STARTING???

Um. yeah. so. what.

The thrill is gone. Done. Over.

Now they hand out these walkie-talkie radio thingies with these 1970’s headphone things. Um, okay…..

HUH????? I get to listen to the drivers talk to their pit crew??

Yeah. Um. okay. and what am I sposed to get from this??

I flipped thru the channels. It was like listening to AM radio

Off came the headphones. done.

I got more info from the TVs posted in all 4 corners of the room.

Every time the cars came round everyone would stand up……..WHY??? You can’t see any better standing than sitting. Honestly. The view was the same.

LOLOL

So, from these AWESOME seats I could see the cars:

approach me out of turn 4……….

and leave towards turn #1.

When they went whizzin’ by all I could see was the tops of the cars.

OOOO big whoop.

I kid you not.

EVERYTHING ELSE I had to watch on TV.

Okaaaayyyyy.

So, it’s the Daytona 250. Half the Daytona 500.

Can’t last THAT long. Ya think? What? 50 laps?

Cool. We’re into lap 38.

“Ladies and Gentleman, we are into lap 38 of 100…..”

WTF?!?!?!?

Me and Rog looked at each other…….

“(finish yer beer, lets go)”

I wasn’t even interested in the beer…. cuz I knew I had to walk ALL the way back to that freakin’ school bus. The bus that was gonna drive me the next 10 miles back to my car.

And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna pee in one of those port-a-potties !

We were back home in Orlando before the race was even over.

It’s Sunday. I still have no idea who won.

LOL

So, my apologies to the NASCAR fans that are all into this. I just didn’t get it.

Tho the sound of the cars WAS pretty cool, and the people-watching was kinda fun….. it’s not something I would voluntarily spend money on again.

And even if I did, I want to be outside in the heat with my cooler of beer and sunflower seeds.

And I would NOT show up 5 hours before race time.

He Counts !!!

2009-06-28T21:50:00.003-04:00

YUP. He counts. He counts my beers. Fuckin’ hilarious.

No matter that I spent 4.5 fucking hours doing HIS insurance office work this morning—on a Sunday. (On top of the 3 hours yesterday) No matter that I cleaned his house, did MORE laundry in order to pack HIS children’s luggage to fly 9 hours round trip in one day tomorrow…..

He went to Sam’s (Club) today to get himself some things. Came back with a case of Miller Lite.

NOT, mind you, for me. He bought it for me to NOT be at the bar for happy hours ! Talk about an ENABLER ???? It’s his way of containing me.

And when I called him out on it, he got pissed. Cuz his little ‘plan’ had been discovered. Ya think I’m a fuckin’ idiot???

So, at 9:15 tonight he takes the empty cans out to the recycle bin in the garage and says “ya just can’t quit. Gotta go for that 12”

I said “What the hell? Have I been belligerent here? Am I out of control? Am I dysfunctional? What have I done wrong today??? “ I just spent the last half hour with him going over a new fuckin’ loan we got in. Together. Totally coherent, logical. WTF?

He’s just pissed cuz I won’t go to bed when HE wants to.

“You just what to stay out here so you can have more beer.”

“Um, yeah, maybe I might have one more. So what???!! Maybe I want to finish watching HellBoy on the big screen?”

“But I’m gonna watch it in here.”

“Yeah, till I lay down next to you then you roll over and go to sleep. What’s the point? I watch it alone either way. But if I watch it here, then it’s like a personal win for you cuz I’m not having another BEER !! And that’s all you’re really concerned with.”

The kids will be gone for 2 weeks starting tomorrow and he has embarked on some non-alcoholic journey that he seems to think I have bought a ticket on.

Sorry to disappoint you, but I ain’t sailing on that ship.

I will spend 8 hours at the office, cuz I can now, and I will work my fuckin’ ass off !

But if you think you are going to corral me and pigeon-hole me into this house every night you are MISTAKEN !!!

I have been imprisoned in this house for the past 6 weeks and I am near fuckin’ bonkers!!!

We have plans to paint the outside of the house and do a ton of other outside work at the house here while the kids are gone. It will be interesting to see how much actually gets done. (I’m praying for rain, personally)

Actually, I think not much will get done due to HIS lack of ambition after 5pm.

He seems to have this whole plan laid out for us according to the Word Of Rog…………….

Yeah, let me know when the next service is, I’ll be at the Tavern with Holly or LBV with Pauley !!

He’s in the bedroom now, making sure he coughs every minute or so, so I know that he’s still awake. How fuckin’ stupid. LOL

I guess that little rear-end drive-thru I let him have this morning don’t count for shit.

Yeah, well, I hope they’re serving those freebies on the ship he’s sailing on; cuz they ain’t free on THIS 2 week cruise !! LOL

I Am Cougar, Hear Me Roar

2009-06-26T22:27:00.001-04:00

I know Sex and the City is now passe. The TV show was a hit, the movie must have sucked . I ain’t seen it yet and I keep dropping it further down on my Blockbuster Online list.

I was up late last night, babysitting 3 pre-teens. Not really babysitting, I just don’t sleep well when these nocturnal creatures roam my house, giggling, perusing my cupboards and fridge like raccoons on crack in an abandoned lake cabin.

So, I channel surfed. Once I escaped the news channels reporting on Farrah and Michael, I was left with Scrubs, George Lopez, Golden Girls, Burn Notice and Sex and the City……on 2 channels. I guess it was a hint.

I was never a devout fan of SATC but I did watch it randomly. Never have been to NYC but wonder what life is like there. Real Life…Let alone DATE there!! It’s scary in small towns now !! How does one get laid in NYC and LIVE to tell about it !

So anyway, on to the purpose of this waste of time and space cuz-- I’m drinking alone and hubby is snoring on the couch as usual and I have no one to talk to but you. Yeah. I know. DUH.

So I’m laying in bed last night, bored, wide awake, listening for the rustling and giggling of the pre-teen raccoons. (TEE HEE Giggling Raccoons) Hubby is laying next to me…….snoring…….pillow over his head. I gave him his sleeping pill just earlier. (Like a good wife, damn straight !!)

I flip the channels and decide on one of the two SATCs. I don’t remember the episodes, I think one was Mr. Big had heart surgery and the other was meeting Aiden and she was gonna quit smoking.

Anyway, ….I want friends that close. I want to have breakfasts together at some local diner and talk about our sex lives or lack of them. I want Girls Night Out. I want a group. MY group. MY girls.

Last night they sat around and watched gay porn !! How fun !!! (No really, I can get turned on by that!)

AnyHoo, so I started to think about what I liked about each one. Any girl that watches the show has compared themselves to one of the characters and related……..and wished they were one of the other ones. And sometimes, our choices change.

So here’s my take…..cuz I have nothing else to talk about……….

Miranda…….I wish I was career oriented like her. She’s too plain for me, but she did something with her education. She’s financially independent. So what I am NOT.

Carrie……She’s way too emotional but I love that she sticks to her independence. I never have. I always caved to the guys. She had Mr. Big and Aiden..HOT. I didn’t like her fashion sense but she had a cool ‘single girl apartment’ And she smoked. And she could write. I wish I could do that.

Charlotte……….nothing in common with this chick. WAY tooo pure !!! UGH !!! And she’s too money. I guess I’m just not comfortable around money. That might happen when you’re used to not having any. …and she is just …can we say MISSIONARY? And what did she ever see in that hairy backed dude????? UGH !!!

And then there is………

Samantha.

Tho she avoids emotional involvment…….that women is a COUGAR in all sense of the word. I want to blow the UPS man in my office. I want a model/actor boyfriend with six-pack abs that wants to fuck for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Tho she may be lost and lonely on the inside. I want to BE that prowess. (Not forever, mind you. Eventually I WILL land the hot, rich, sexy love-me-for-who-I-am guy and I will be happy for the rest of my life!) Just like Samantha secretly wants.

K, there’s my take on the girls. Guys? What personality do YOU perfer????

It’s A Love Hate Thing

2009-06-26T20:47:00.001-04:00

Do you ever look at your husband, the love of your heart. your chosen lover, father to your children, payer of the mortgage, prince of your destiny, your keeper of sexual secrets and wonder……..

“what the fuck was I thinking?”

And then,

in the same split second…….

look at him and fall all gooey in love again?

Then, not 24 hours later, you want to stab him with the nearest jagged serated steak knife you can get your hands on?

I love how women are able to go from one extreme to another !! Ya think God planned it that way? To punish the men? Or was it a glitch in the plan?

She’s WHAT??? AGAIN???

2009-06-23T22:06:00.001-04:00

“So, do you know?”

Me: “Nope. I don’t think so. Who died? Who pg? Who screwed up this time?

“your sister”

Text. From Shari. My other sister..

I took a breath and dialed. I knew what was coming. But I had to hear it.

And, as I guessed, Karen is pregnant --again.

Rachel is 2.

Nathan is 6 months.

Karen is 38.

This makes #5.

(She has two older boys, 19 and 17.)

Who DOES this, in today’s world?

This was an accident. Not the first, mind you.

I know it’s not my life and none of my business. But I can’t help it. I am angry at her. At her irresponsibility.

I understood having Rachel. Wanted to do the baby thing WITH a husband this time. He didn’t have any of his own. So, why not?

And now she complains constantly about what a shitty daddy the hubby is. He’s never home, and when he is he’s on the couch watching sports all weekend long. Takes no part in the care of the kids. She’s basically doing it ALONE. AGAIN.

WHY would she put herself in this position??? Again? How do you let this happen?

And now she can’t decide what to do. She’s only 8 weeks. She could ‘take care’ of it. However, morally, I don’t know that she could go that route. But I think the thought has crossed her mind.

She’s worried that she will hold resentment towards this one. Possibly treat it differently. I doubt that. This girl started a home daycare. I don’t think it’s in her to not love a child.

UGH. Just irks me to no end that she let this happen. Come ON !! You are 38 years old !! “Accidents” aren’t supposed to happen at this age. You KNOW where babies come from. You already have 4. Hello?!! Condom? Spermicide? SOMETHING??? ANYTHING???

I just sit here. Shakin’ my head.

I haven’t been officially told yet. Mom was told yesterday. Be interesting to see how long she waits to tell me. I think she knows I won’t be impressed. I wonder if she’ll wait until I get home in July?

Maybe the situation will be resolved before I get there and there won’t be a need to tell Vicki anything?

Just shakin’ my head.

Lost In The Real World

2009-06-23T14:04:00.002-04:00

So it’s been an interesting past couple weeks.

1. Rog lost his Blackberry. Somewhere either in this house or in the yard. Last seen around 7pm on a Sunday evening. Monday morning it was nowhere to be seen. I have torn my house apart and done the walk thru the yard 3 times.

2. As a result, Alexx got her birthday phone early. Talk about a girl on a high !! Thank God for unlimited texting. I think she ranges in the 4-5000 a month now.

3. My kids leave in a week. For those not with me last summer, I shipped my kids to my sister’s in North Dakota for 3 weeks last summer.

We have never been ‘kid-less’ in 12 years.

Needless to say, we made up for lost time.

Rog ended up with alcohol poisoning, so we think. After $3000 in doctors and catscans they never did find anything. After a couple weeks it went away. We’re chalkin’ it up to the booze.

The sex? Can’t remember most of it. Just that there was alot of it. My butt don’t hurt no more.

4. I made it to my ‘3 months’ of not smoking. I only slipped once. And I paid for it. Cigarette hangovers are WAY MORE shitty than a plain ole beer hangover. It ain’t worth it.

5. I turned 44 last week. I’m okay with that. I kinda like the double 4’s idea.

6. My BFF is too busy for me. :( I miss her. But I understand. She’s busy planning a wedding and working 2 jobs. BUT, I will see her in July…..and we will be attending her daughter’s bachelorette party…. um, no further explanation needed.

7. I shut down 2 emails this week. I just couldn’t keep up anymore. I can’t even keep up with Real Life let alone Myspace, Facebook, Blogger, Email, or IM.

8. Is it just me or does time seem to stand still when on the rag? That is the LONGEST week EVER !!!

9. I went out with a girlfriend one day last week. I NEVER do that anymore. And I actually tried to come up with a reason NOT to….funny the ruts we can fall into. But I went, and I had a blast !!! Thanks, Holly !!

10. This morning I read a blog. All of them. Took me 3 hours. She made me laugh and cry, at the same time. Thanks If You’re Gonna for leading me to eL.

11, I spent 2 hours last night reading Craigslist. There are some REALLY weird people out there !!! Check it out. Go to craigslist.com and click on BEST OF. Some of the shit people are willing to put out there….is fricken HILARIOUS !!! I almost peed my pants a couple times, and I wasn’t even drinking !!!

There’s husbands and wives up for sale or for free. One guy is looking for someone to sit in naked in his bathtub of cooked pasta, which he will eat later when he gets home. There’s people looking for the one-night-stands they had that they never got a name and number from. Not to hook up again…..this one chick just wants her bra back !! LOL One guy is looking for a doormat to take his wife. He’s throwing in the house, Beamer and golf clubs. Will trade for a Harley. If tank of Harley is full will throw in dog too. LOL

Yup, so that’s my life lately.

HOLY SHIT !!!!

*dramatic climatic music plays……*

……..My sister just texted me:

“SO DO YOU KNOW YET?”

What’s happenin’ to mah stuff?

2009-06-11T20:20:00.001-04:00

My birthday is coming up this month. I will be 44 years old. WOO HOO !!!

I’m not afraid to say my age. I hit the gym 5 days a week and I quit smoking 3 months ago.

I’ve never felt better. And I would like to think that I look pretty darn MILFY for being 44, mother of two. LOL So THERE !

But I DO wonder what I have to look forward to in the coming years….

The night sweats have already begun. Waking up in the middle of the night drenched is NOT sexy.

Tho I find eventually NOT having periods VERY sexy !!!

Anyway….

I’ve had to buy reading glasses.

I’ve begun yearly mammograms.

My metabolism has slowed.

I’ve started to see my mom when I look in the mirror. (Not that that’s a bad thing, mind you, just….you know….not what I really want to see YET !)

I’m naturally a blonde so luckily, grey hair is a bit harder to detect—and easier to hide !!

However, the carpet is not quite as blonde as the drapes…….

(I hear there’s a dye for ‘THERE’ too !!)

Not so sure I want to venture there. Might scare the hubby and give him a big ole heartattack ! He is older than me and I have to be careful. Could be kinda embarrassing having to call 911 in THAT position ! LOL

Do people in their 60’s and 70’s still have sex? That just can’t be pretty. Thank goodness for light switches and bad eyesight !

So, yeah, I’m starting to get a tad concerned as to what I have to look forward to.

I’ve never seen a naked senior before. I’m just a tad afraid of that, to be honest.

I can exercise till I’m blue in the face. I can keep the arms, legs, ass and mid-section as toned as I can.

But even Kegels won’t keep “things” from drooping or sagging, just a little. Ya think?

I hear there’s something called ‘dryness’ ? HUH? You telling me that one day I’m NOT gonna be dripping with passion and horniness? Guess I better start stocking up….

That stuff could get spendy….can I just use, like salad oil, or something? I’ve read that EVOO is very good for you…….Talk about ‘tossin’ the salad’ !! LOLOL

And what, praytell, is gonna happen to my hubby’s junk????? That stuff gonna start to hang down there between his knees?

Pretty flowers, huh?

Well, maybe his shit won’t be lonely down there, being that might be where my nipples be hangin’ out !!

What else do I have to look forward to??? I’m not sure I”m liking this aging thing at all !!!

It’s My Heroin…

2009-06-04T16:58:00.002-04:00

You ever have one of those smells that is SO powerful it can literally make you travel back in time?

I have one that transports me all the way back to 1994. That’s what? Like a light year?!

This scent has a very profound affect on my body. It is so intoxicating it takes my breath away. My heart skips multiple beats in half a second. I am able to cut diamonds with my nipples. And It creates a river between my legs.

And this beautiful scent walked into my house last night. All 4.2 glorious ounces. In all it’s heavenly violet color.

Life, for my husband, as he knows it, is now over. There will be no mercy in our bed. I take no survivors when under the influence of this drug.

Back in 1994 there was a man. We would never have made it as a couple. He was WAY to anal for me. (NO, NOT THAT WAY !! ….come to think of it, we never ventured ‘there’.)

But we were fuck buddies. We used to hook up after I got off work at night. Was a pretty regular thing. Never saw each other outside of the sex sessions.

And those sessions were HOT ! Steamy. Sweaty. Just simple no-strings-attached-Fuck-me-up-against-the-wall SEX. God I miss that type of sex.

Even tho we would never have made it as a couple, there was just something about him…..

He smelled fucking INCREDIBLE ! Whenever I was with him I would just- smell him. I inhaled him. I couldn’t get enough. I would literally get high off him. And when we got hot and sweaty it was even MORE intoxicating. I was addicted to this stuff. And after sex with him my body was slathered in his smell.

The effect this stuff has on me is indescribable. I call it my own personal heroin.

So, last night, when this drug walked into my house I felt my knees go weak.

I traveled back in time. Back to Danny. Back to all those nights of the hot, steamy sex.

I am still addicted.

I even sprayed some on my sheets this morning when I made the bed. I can’t wait to crawl into them tonight.

“Hi, my name is Vicki.”

“I’m a Joop Junkie”

Who The FUCK Do You Think You Are?!

2009-06-03T16:26:00.001-04:00

First of all, since most of us run in the same circles here, I want to make it known that it is purely coincidence that my blog on this subject parallels Luke’s on the same subject. I am nowhere NEAR the caliber of blogger that Luke is. So, after reading mine, go check out his. Luke’s is written much better and on a more personal level. But I hope, between the two of us, we get our point across.

I hesitated posting this after I read Luke’s. I thought people would call me out on copying….ha ha which I found hilarious…cuz who am I, really? LOLOLOL (Click anywhere in the first paragraph to go straight to Luke’s blog…trust me. He Rocks…and he’s cute as hell !!)

So, here’s MY story. Then go read Luke’s.

Ignorance:

(n.) A willful neglect or refusal to acquire knowledge which one may acquire…

There is nothing I hate more than simple ignorance. A person’s unwillingness to attempt to understand, what they obviously know nothing about, but feel completely qualified to judge.

I was on the phone with a family member the other day. I mentioned to her that I had made contact with a long lost family member (LLFM) that I had not talked to in over 20 years.

While snooping around on Facebook last week I ran across this LLFM. And I friend requested her. Her reply to my request was “Oh Thank God, FINALLY some FAMILY on here!”

I mentioned to my phone caller where I had found this LLFM and her response was that she had never had a Facebook account.

I said that it was pretty cool. I had found lots of classmates and old friends and it’s fun to see pics of their families now.

(My FB friends are ALL Real Life friends, except for a select 3 or 4. I like to keep Facebook like that. I have Myspace for my other cyber-naughtiness.)

I asked her why she hadn’t checked it out yet?

She said that “I don’t like putting pics of my kids on the internet for any crazy person to see.”

I kinda hesitated as I absorbed what she had just said.

Then she added, “I don’t need some serial killer kidnapping my kids.”

It was, honestly, all I could do to hold my temper without going the fuck off on this person!!!

Ignorance.

Outside of lying to me, Ignorance is my ultimate Pet Peeve. A Deal Breaker.

It pisses me the FUCK OFF !!!

~~~breathe~~~~

Obviously, this person has never taken the time to do any research into what FB is about, how it works in general, or let alone, the security areas one can apply to their profile, in order to prevent “Joe the Serial Killer” from kidnapping her kids.

And where does it say in the Official Facebook Rules that you HAVE TO post pics of your kids, or your address?

For FUCK’S sake !! Get a FUCKIN” CLUE !!

Did I inform her of any of this information? Nope. Because it was all I could do to continue any conversation with her, at all.

This was 4 days ago and I am STILL seething.

Why and HOW is it that people feel they have the right to judge anything, or anyone, without the barest of information on which to base an opinion? Blows my fuckin’ mind!

Of course, not everyone has the time, nor the interest in such things as Myspace and Facebook. They CAN be time consuming. (K, LIFE consuming). I understand that.

But it was the simple fact that she formed an opinion about something she knew absolutely nothing about.

(Imagine the opinion she would formulate if she saw my profile here on Myspace? OMG !! ha ha For you, WYSIWYG ! I am exactly what I portray myself to be….let’s just say my sisters and parents would NOT be impressed with my blogs.. LOL)

Of course, everyone IS entitled to their opinion. But until you have a fuckin’ clue what you’re talking about, maybe you better keep your mouth shut? You look like an fucking idiot.

You see that this is really NOT about Facebook, don’t you?

It infuriates me when people judge something -or someone based on someone else’s opinion.

Or so-called ‘facts’ they got off their friggen Froot Loops cereal box.

But people do it. Every day. Over and over and over.

And they think it’s okay. Cuz they don’t know any better. Cuz THEY have all the facts. Cuz THEY have all the answers.

And it’s obvious. They ain’t got a fuckin’ clue what they’re talking about.

Life Changing…

2009-06-03T06:22:00.001-04:00

Today is the last day of school for my kids!! YEAH !!! Kinda hard to believe that it’s actually here.

For the past year I have been getting up at 5:50am. Packing lunches and driving kids to school. I hit the gym, then the office. I rush home by 2pm to meet my daughter off the bus, then sit in the car-rider line to grab my son.

Then it’s homework, cleaning up the house, dinner, cleaning up again, baths and bed by 9pm…yup. I go to bed by 9 !!!

Starting tomorrow I get to sleep in till ‘6 fricken 45’, gym 7-8, office by 9, home by noon.

(I know. Rough life I have. I’m not bragging. It’s actually rather boring, Which I cure with drinking. Which doesn’t always make for a happy hubby. I really need to find a new hobby.)

I have to be home by noon, cuz if I’m not, my kids will kill each other and destroy my house. Once I get home they will disappear, up and down our street, bopping between their friends’ houses. Occasionally popping in for a potty or water break.

Not every day will be like this. There will be days of the never-ending moan of “Mommy, I’m bored”.

I will then suggest a dozen or so things that they could do. None of which will be FUN enough for them to even consider.

Meanwhile, I will try to keep up my office work from home. And maybe get a few projects done that I have been putting off. And there’s the never ending laundry and cleaning that I find myself doing every single day. Ugh.

On June 29th I will fly with my kids to Fargo, North Dakota. Yes, THAT Fargo. Just like in the movie.

(I couldn’t resist putting a map in cuz I KNOW there is someone out there that ain’t got a clue where North Dakota is. LOL)

We will land at 11:05am. I will hand them and their luggage off to my sister. At 11:30am I will be back on the same plane headed back to Orlando.

After two weeks of drunken sex-filled bliss, (I hope) my hubby and I will fly to Fargo again and spend a week at Mom and Dad’s in Wahpeton. (pronouonced Wah-pe-ton.)

We will mostly just lay around the house doing nothing. Cuz there ain’t a whole lot to do in North Dakota ! LOL

Here’s a pic of the flooding of April this year. Yup, that is all WATER. Underneath is farmland, that be where your sugar, potatoes, beans, corn and wheat comes from….

Anyway, after we get back from our vacation I will have one more month with the kids. Then it’s back to school in mid August.

This summer’s goals:

Close those 9 loans in my drawer
Repaint kids’rooms
Paint outside of house
Do SOMEthing with that ugly backyard
Fix doors on my car
Get car repainted
Buy bigger house with pool so I can have my entire family down for Christmas this year.

I’d rather be doing this…..

Here…

With HIM !!!

There’s my summer…….what you guys got planned?

~~~Vicki

Stew.

2009-05-26T20:41:00.001-04:00

We must always start with the Good News First !

Logan, he’s nine and in the third grade…

Logan came home from school today with TWO trophies !! Yup ! Two.

He got First Place in his class for Math Superstars.

And-----------------

He got First Place for the ENTIRE Third Grade !!

Oh yeah, baby ! DAT’S MAH BOY !!!

*******************************

I love cartoons. The cartoons from my day were AWESOME !! And some of them are STILL showing on Boomerang !!!

And who remembers this dude !! LOL

YUP !! Sigmund the Sea Monster !! LOL

But did you happen to catch the marathon on Sci-Fi Channel this weekend?

Come on, sing it with me…….

“”Marshall, Will, and Holly on a routine expedition
Met the greatest earthquake ever known.
High on the rapids it struck their tiny raft,
And plunged them down a thousand feet below.
To the Laaaaaand of the Looooost. ””

Marshall, Will and Holly

And the creepy Sleestak……….

And then there’s Chaka….

NO SILLY….Not Chaka Khan !!!

CHAKA !!!! He was a Pakuni.

I can’t believe I actually watched this show !! Have you EVER seen such terrible acting ??? But I just couldn’t stop watching.

*******************************

I was at the gym this morning. Usually I do the cross trainer thing.

But today, I decided to sweat to a differn’ flavor. I went bike riding !!

Not as easy as I thought it was gonna be!! HOLY SHIT !!! That seat hurt my pretty little vajajay !!! DAMN !!

Finally I got my rythmn going and my mind started to wander. As I was pondering my precious puss I thought to myself:

“Where do guys’ BALLS GO when they ride these damn things?”

I mean, I obviously ain’t got no extra baggage down in that area to know this kind of stuff… So, tell me, do they like, stay on TOP of the seat?

Or do they slide side to side with each leg that goes up and down on the pedals???

And just where does Mr. Penis sit? He just hangin’ out there, on top, in the middle wonderin’ what the hell those stupid ass balls are doing going UP and DOWN all the time?

*******************************

Oh Yeah, Baby !!!

2009-05-19T21:25:00.001-04:00

I knew they would come thru for me.

I knew they would come to their senses.

I knew it. Cuz I wished really, really hard.

And I had my fingers crossed.

For the past nine months I have dragged my ass out of bed at 6:00am.

For the past nine months I have trudged down the hall to do my motherly duty.

For the past nine months I have had to awaken Sleeping Beauty from her Land of Perfect Dreams.

For the past nine months I have been grunted, grumbled, and growled at.

But no more.

It was announced today that the Orange County School Board passed the “Reverse the School Start Times Back To What They Were” referendum !!

I almost drove my car into a tree as I stared at my radio in disbelief.

Last year the Middle School students began classes at 9:30am. The High School students began at 7:20am. THIS year the school board reversed these two, to save money.

Something about less busses, less drivers, etc. Yeah whatever. Show me the numbers.

NEXT year, my daughter gets to sleep in till 8am !

YEAH BABY !!! AND she won’t be home until sometime after 4pm !! (She gets home at 2pm now)

No more 6:00 am grumpy wake-up calls.

I think I peed my pants alittle.

Care For A Cigar, Ma’ am?

2009-05-14T14:28:00.003-04:00

Put a group of, say 5,6 girls, round a table and ask how many of them have had one.

Or even SEEN one.

Let alone TOUCHED one. EW !!

I’m betting you could knit a scarf with the number of raised hands.

Course, this might differ depending on the geographical location of said gathering. I never saw one, or heard of anyone seeing one while living in North ‘Dakota.

And we all know how news travels in small towns. If there WAS one, I would have heard about it ! (Or seen it in person !!)

Anyhoo, back to where I was headed here…..(Ha Ha…..headed,…or Beheaded….LOLOL) Oh yeah….

I didn’t see my first one till round 1995 I think. And thank god I was drunk the first time. I didn’t even realize I had one at the time !

So you can imagine my gawking shock when I ran into it head-on the next morning ! (tee hee I said ‘head’ again ! LOL *snicker*)

I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do with it. Or if I even WANTED to do anything with it. I mean, look at it !!!

Thank God this seemed to only be a temporary condition. It quickly outgrew it’s turtleneck sweater and appeared to be ‘normal’ again. Whew !

Okay, I wasn’t really THAT dumb or naive, but it was still a bit of a shock. It was hard not to stare when in it’s relaxed state. Just laying there, staring back at you with that wrinkly, droopy eye.

It was kinda funny looking. I mean, it REALLY DID look like a cigar ! I’m not kidding !! Eventually we started making ‘smoking’ jokes when referring to blowjobs.

And I eventually figured out what to do with it. DUH !!

I smoked da bitch !!

And it would make me giggle alittle when I would pull the skin up over it and stretching it out as far as I dared. Kinda like how ya stretch a balloon out before ya blow it up so ya don’t explode your cheeks. LOL (without hurting him, of course, Gees !).

Oh good grief guys! Don’t tell me you ain’t had your girl on her back, you grabbed a nipple between your fingers and playfully pulled straight up, stretching her boob out, kinda like a picking up a water balloon !! LOLOL

(Girls, you know what I’m talking about ! Please say you do so I don’t look like an idiot here.)

Yeah, well, we eventually broke up. And it had nothing to do with the fact that his penis looked like an authentic Cuban Montecristo.

Nor did it have anything to do with its performance, cuz Lord, that cigar could SMOKE !!!

(Course, it could have something to do with that whole stretching the skin out thing…never thought of that…)

Learn sumpthin’ new every day, huh?

Who You Calling Frigid?

2009-05-13T17:34:00.001-04:00

Men are always complaining that their wives never want to put out. I don’t know where these men are finding these bisches! They makin’ the rest of us look bad !

I have yet to cum across a female on here, or even a real live one, for that matter, that will not openly admit how much they love sex. I kid you not.

What do you think us chicks talk about over ‘ritas and beer?

Maybe there is some confusion as to what the term ‘putting out’ means?

For you guys, it means anything from a hand job or blowjob to slow, sensuous love-making to Stick-You-From-Behind-Cuz-I’m-Too-Lazy-To-Roll-You-Over.

There’s even Bend-You-Over-The-Sink-While-Brushing-My-Teeth Sex. As long as there is some type of member stroking involved and spewage of the jizz, I, the female, have ‘put out’.

As to the frequency of ‘putting out’, men will take it whenever and wherever they feel the need. Commercials, half-time of the big game, traffic jams, after they’ve mowed the yard in 90 degree heat. (yeah, that’s real yummy)

As for us chicks, we too, will take slow, sensuous sex, quickie Bend-Me-Over-The-Sink-Sex, and even an occasional Sneak-In-From-The-Back-Slip-It-Btween-The-Cheeks-Sex.

And we especially like an occasional Slam-Me-Up-Against-The-Wall session. Talk dirty to me. Tell me how good I taste. Tell me how hard I make you and how bad you want to cum inside me.

We enjoy all of this. Just like you. Honest.

Now, frequency for us can vary, depending on flow. We have that week of stay-the-fuck-away-from-me. Which, if you play your cards right the other weeks, could earn you a 4-5 days of blowjobs!

And there’s also a bloated, cramped day or two when the thought of you shoving anything up my love canal makes childbirth look attractive.

But, other than that, we prefer it before breakfast. Oh, and maybe for a ‘nooner’ …an afternoon snack and again as a nightcap. An yes, sometimes all in the same day. But, if you can’t bring yourself to perform at such a professional level, we ARE willing to negotiate.

However. There are rules.

The first rule, and I put this one first because it is the most important. And, it is dependent on Rule Number Two.

Rule Numero Uno : I MUST CUM.

There are no ifs, ands, or buts. You MUST get me off.

I don’t care if it’s before you cum, during or after. You MUST finish the job. Do not, under any circumstances, leave me hanging. We do not do Courtesy/Charity Sex. (unless agreed upon prior to said session) And after a week of free blowjobs, it’s the least you could do, don’t you think?

Rule Number Two: You MUST preheat the oven. There is NO roasting of the meat without first preheating the damn oven !!

Your attempting to ram your mammoth hard dick into my dry, soft folds of flesh would be akin to me maybe shoving my thumb into your pee-hole !! It fuckin’ hurts !!!

Do SOMETHING. Anything. Spit on it if you have to….okay, don’t do that. That’s not sexy at all. At least don’t let me KNOW you spit on it. But, hey, getting close enough to spit on it is a good place to start.

It only seems logical that the hotter and wetter you get the puss BEFORE you ram it, the hotter and better the sex will be. I will cum much quicker, and harder…. and it won’t feel like you just ran a 10K marathon on your knees. Trust me on this one.

With this all said, I still have to ask.

Where are you men finding these cold fish for wives????

Were they cold fish BEFORE you married them? I’m guessing not. Or you would never have gone thru with it.

So what happened? Kids. Possible. They can be exhausting. (maybe if you helped out more she wouldn’t be quite so exhausted every damn day?)

But I’m guessing that’s not it.

I’m guessing it might have something to do with the skidmarks in your not-so-sexy tightie-whities.

Or the incessant scratching of your balls. Or maybe it’s those puke inducing farts that explode out of your ass under the covers, which hit her in the face like a fuckin’ train when she rolls over.

Maybe you got a puny little dick and she’s tired of fakin’ it. And maybe you can’t eat your way out of a wet paper bag.

Or maybe. Just maybe. It’s your inability to follow two simple rules? Just sayin’.

Old Hubby New Friend

2009-05-11T23:09:00.005-04:00

To My Ex-Husband and New Found Friend…….

Forgive yourself for choosing a path that hurt me. You had to do what was right for you.

I would forgive you if I could. But I can’t forgive you for making a choice that was right for both of us. Neither of us could possibly have known that at the time.

We had a space in time together. We loved. We laughed. We reveled in each other.

And somewhere along the way, we somehow drifted.

We both had dreams. We both longed to be happy.

We just weren’t meant to be happy with each other.

And that’s okay.

I love my life today.

If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t be who I am today.

You are the reason I ended up in Florida

And, even tho you hurt me, you made me strong.

And even tho you hurt me, I learned to love again.

Better. Smarter. Stronger.

Sweetie, we were two very important pieces, to two very separate life puzzles.

We met for a reason. We parted for a reason.

We were never meant to be life long partners.

We met - -in order to love and then, hurt--and learn from that hurt. And each other.

As long as we are able walk away from our life together and take something valuable from it, then it wasn’t for nothing.

There WAS a reason we met in the beginning. There was a reason we parted. And there was a reason we reconnected.

Tho, it wasn't completely your fault. I made choices too.

Eventually I was able to forgive you for yours. I understand why you made those choices.

Now you have to forgive yourself.

And we can be friends.

Because, that’s what we were in the beginning.

and that’s what I want us to be now.

Are You Teasing Me????

2009-05-08T23:22:00.002-04:00

After my usual gym workout I puttered off to the locker room. After drinking 64 ounces of water in 60 minutes I’ve learned it’s a good idea to give some back before leaving. Makes the 15 minute drive home seem not quite so --pressured.

Upon entering the locker-room on any given day, it’s pretty much a sure thing that you will see one or two women in different stages of undress.

Calm down, boys. It’s not what you think. The locker-room is not riddled with buff , toned, tanned cover models. I’m sure they’re there at one point during the day, but not at 7am with me.

Nope. My crowd is more of the Senior variety.

They call them Granny Panties for a reason.

I’m not sure if these women buy these things 3 sizes too big on purpose of if they really were designed to have the waist sit right under their boobs.

There’s the 80-something Indian woman who slips into her flowery one-piece swimsuit. The least she could do is tuck her granny panties up into the swimsuit. Maybe the layered look is in now.

There’s the little Asian woman who showers with her bra and underwear on. The shower stalls have shower curtains. But she prefers to leave hers wide open. Whatever. Maybe it’s just convenient for her to do her laundry and shower at the same time.

But Today-- there was a NEW show in town!!!

I came around the corner into the locker-room and there, right in the middle of the common area stood this woman. She was probably mid 30’s. She was using one of those wall mounted hand dryer things. But this one was mounted above the head, to be used as a hair dryer, I guess. She stood there with her hands in her hair, fluffing and rotating.

Completely buck ass nekked.

And she was not in the least bit shy.

She happened to rotate to face me as I entered. Our eyes could have met. If I could have gotten mine off her plump dark breasts, with large darker nipples.

(hers were twice this size, but I liked the picture. Use your imagination. QUICK !! before Tom sees it and steals it !)

I tried not to stare. Honest.

I don’t think I need to tell you what naughty thoughts popped into my mind as I approached her. Shame on me.

Shame on her ! LOL She made no attempt to rotate away from my view. It was almost as if she wanted me to look.

As I passed her I managed to get my eyes high enough to look at hers, I smiled and politely said ‘good morning’.

She was still there when I came out of the bathroom. Her arms still up, her hands working her hair, making her full black globes look oh, so delicious.

I went to the sink area to wash my hands. I conveniently picked the spot which gave me the best mirror view of her. Well, DUH !!!!

I could see that she had a almost full muff. Not unkempt, just full. It was obvious she kept it neat, she just preferred it fluffy I guess.

I washed my hands….and my naughty, dirty mind, and turned to leave. As I passed her she turned to face the wall. She was kind enough to give me a nice view of her ass. And a nice ass at that.

This woman taunted me. And she haunted me the rest of the day.

Now I think back and wonder “what if?” You read the erotic stories of chance meetings of strangers. How they happen upon each other and wind up entangled in each other for a hot steamy sexy tryst? Most of us can only dream of something like that happening, if even just once in a lifetime.

Maybe if it were in a less public place? Would I have the balls to actually initiate something like that ?? I hope I do !!!

Tee Hee. I am SOOO naughty !!

**DISCLAIMER: This girl probably could have cared less about me. LOL She was probly just very confident in herself. Why she was drying her hair naked in the middle of the room is a mystery. But hey, it worked for me !!

I Wore A Dress.

2009-04-27T20:59:00.001-04:00

I wore a dress.

I wore a dress to work today.

I am NOT a dress or skirt type of girl.

Be it funeral or wedding.

I avoid dresses at all costs.

I bought a dress.

I wore a dress.

To work today.

Out of the blue

No reason.

I work WITH my husband.

Every day, Same office

he didn’t notice.

Monkey Bread ! Who Knew?

2009-04-21T20:04:00.002-04:00

I’m betting I’m a bit slow on this concept but I still have warm fuzzies from the experience ! ahhhh. It was almost as good as sex……..K, maybe not quite THAT good !!

Anyway, I stopped at my local Wallymart for roast beef and Wildberry Strudels. (By the way, who runs out of roast beef??)

As I wandered the aisles I happened upon this eye-catching item in the freezer section.

I practically slipped on my own drool. I hadn’t had lunch yet and this looked absolutely scrumptious !!!

I’m guessing that Monkey Bread isn’t anything new. I’m guessing I’m just WAY behind in experiencing this phenomenon. And I don't care. Me and the kids devoured that whole thing in a matter of minutes !!

I just downloaded Windows Live Writer. Pretty neat concept. I can post to my Blogger account directly. No copy/paste. Course, I still have to copy/paste to Myspace . Unless somebody knows something I don’t. Do tell !! Let’s see if this works….

(Okay, it publishes the blog, but not the pics...So I have to add the pics seperately once its in Blogger anyway. I guess I might as well go back to writing in Blogger.)

GRRRRRRRR !!!!!!!!!!

I also made the TERRIBLE mistake of downloading the Windows Live Family Safety program. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, do that !!! I was blocked out of ALL internet access. Wanted me to sign in to Windows Live. My login and pass didn’t work. I couldn’t find where to uninstall it. I couldn’t shut it off cuz I couldn’t sign in. And I couldn’t access the internet to find out how to fix this shit !! I was basically f****d. I had to go onto a different computer in order to Google how to get rid of that damn thing !!

So, if your windows update thingy wants to know if you want to install Windows Live Essentials…DON”T !! It’s internet suicide.

Actually, after searching help sites for about 30 minutes I found that you just uninstall the entire Windows Essential thingy in Add/Remove Programs. My internet was back good as new !!

I have become a Twitterer. Yup. And if you think Facebook is boring, Twitter will make you downright comatose !!!

I’m still exploring and learning. I’m following a whole 4 people !! Woo Hoo Ellen, Oprah, Anthony Bourdain, GMA and one real life friend. I snooped in on Demi and Ashton and Britney and Taylor Swift. No big excitement there. What you think of the whole Twitter thing?

2009-04-12T19:18:00.004-04:00

How many places can one person be online at one time anymore??? Holy crackers !!! There was a time in simple space when the only way to reach anyone was via a home phone or a physical address....

I started out with ICQ messenger, then went to Yahoo Messenger…then there was AIM Messenger, I dabbled in Classmates.com, then got brave and went to OMG>>>>>Myspace….

Yeah, good ole Myspace…..Talk about a cesspool of online bacteria !!! Chripes !!

In one year I have been myself, been someone I wished I was, been someone I'm not, been fucked up one side and down another, been tied up and twisted, been accepted, deleted and then recreated, once, twice, three times....been nearly divorced and then renewed....

And then along comes Facebook....talk about living in a small town atmosphere....I thought I escaped that oh-so-simple lifestyle by moving to Forida. Facebook is about as threatening as a Disney Movie on a Sunday night.

Swapping between Myspace and Facebook is like having a split personality. I have some of the same friends on both but there are those on Facebook that have no idea who I am on Myspace....and it's probly best kept that way...LOL I don't know that they would understand...

I have five different email addresses. Two for business, one for private stuff, one for junk mail and one for family and friends.

I have profiles for Yahoo, AIM, ICQ, Classmates, Blogger, FetLife, Google, Ebay, Amazon, Hotmail, PayPal, Pizza Hut, FedEX, CraigsList, Tmobile, yada yada yada....I actually had to download a password keeper to keep track of all my logins and passwords....

My daughter is 11. She has more online personalities than I can keep track of !! LOL I boot my computer and 3 IM programs load up. She is more literate at creating profiles and the secrets behind them than the geeks that created them in the first place. (Yes, I keep tabs on her....I ain't THAT behind the times !!)

Where has the personal in personality gone?

Newspapers are getting lost cuz everyone gets their news from Yahoo or AOL online. Twitter is the hottest new NEWS thing. Birthdays and holidays are recognized by E-Cards. HallMark has gone to 99 cent cards...competing with dollar stores for actual physical greetings. We text quick messages to friends and family and leave voice mails for others. Business is conducted by NetMeetings, loans are closed via uploads and faxes. Bills are e-bills and nowadays our mailboxes are filled only with postcards for advertisements and stuff from the IRS. Most of which hits the recycle bin in our garage.

I can Google Earth anyone anywhere as long as I have a physical address. All I need is your last name and state or just an address, I can find you. I can see your house from the sky. I can find how much you paid for your house, when and from who. I will know how many square feet it is and what you pay in taxes. From there I can find out who you married, who your family is and who your children are...and that's just ME. I'm nobody. And I could care less. But even I can find this shit out...

Kinda scary?

Welcome to today's world. Those of us over 40, think back to when we were in high school...imagine how easy it would have been to get laid then by simple sexting a pic of your dick to your girlfriend !!!

Tuna Fish???

2009-04-08T17:17:00.004-04:00

While on our mini vacation to Clearwater last weekend we had dinner at some place called Britt's, I think. While waiting for our appetizers Alexx decided that she should teach me a new dance (?) move. She calls it the TunaFish. This is Alexx doing it how it's supposed to be done !!

Don't look too hard, does it? SHIIIIITTTTT !!!! Watch how friggen uncoordinated this white chick is !!!

Go ahead, you can laugh...I still do, every time we watch it.

Hell yeah I had a few beers....it was Happy Hour, duh !!! But I can't do it sober either ! LOL

I look like a TunaFish on acid !! LOLOLOLOL

Clearwater Weekend

2009-04-05T18:18:00.022-04:00

K, I'm writing this in Blogger instead of Word...Lets see what Tom does to this when I copy/paste this over to Myspace....He seems to relishb butchering blogs done in Word...If he don't cooperate I will just have to bypass his ass and put my link here (Blogger) in my bulletin there(Myspace). Like Pamela does. LOL

Rog finally worked himself into another one of his annual states of "I gotta get out of here or I'll go crazy" states of mind.... I never know when it's coming... Usually this means I have 15 days to plan a 'vacation' that should have been planned 6 months earlier....Did ya know we have a TimeShare?? Yup....NEVER used it....12 fricken years....NEVER USED IT !!! So, as usual, cuz we waited til the last minute, we packed up the car with kids, suits, pails, shovels and this time.....CATS. Cat litter, cat food, cat toys, cat blankets...SHIT, there was more cat crap than kid crap !!!

Off we went to Clearwater, FL. My choice. I found a motel online that took pets. Hell no, it wasn't FREE !! But for an extra $10 a day we got some peace and quiet from the kids whining all weekend cuz their poor baby kitties are home all alone and have no one to play with. Boo Hoo....(k, fine! I felt bad leaving them home too....) (And NO, I didn't tell Rog it was extra for the cats until it was too late !! LOL)

Checked in, released the pussies....and didn't see them for a good 8 hours !! LOL They managed to noogie themselves behind the immovable queen sized beds where even the kids were unable to get back behind and under to pull them out !! LOL

Roger and Logan went fishing.....

Rog bought brand new rods, reels, tackle box, lures, hooks, line, sinkers....just for this trip....THEN had to buy BAIT when he got to the pier.........(keep this tally of expense in mind for later......you'll understand my frustration later on).....

They didn't catch anything big enough to keep and eat. But, hey, this damn Pelican was MORE than happy to eat the little shit !! LOL

But they had a good time and that's all that mattered, right? Logan loves fishing!!

Me and Alexx? We spent the day on the beach. We built a really boring sandcastle:

Aint' nothing special..we would have added nice ornaments but the dern beach was so clean we couldn't find anything but shells to decorate it. Bummer, huh? But we had fun doing it, just mommy and Alexx...and that's all that matters, right?

(Just an adult note here...........it was Spring Break Weekend at the beach...I have never seen so many YOUNG, Very pretty GIRLS...very ENDOWED girls.....and so many young whippersnappers of guys !! It really is obvious that girls DO mature faster than boys !! What ARE they feeding those girls these days that I didn't get??? LOL)

Miss Alexx thoroughly enjoyed the sun, sand and surf....

She collected lots of shells (I have no idea what she plans to do with them......or for how long I will dust around them before she doesn't notice they are missing anymore...cuz mommies tend to do that with 'stuff'...tee hee)

Logan thought it would be really cool to be buried in sand....Now, I like the beach...and I tend to tolerate the sand part....cuz GIRLS, we all know there are places God just didn't intend sand to GO ! But Logan, he didn't seem to mind....maybe his 'places' weren't all that (for lack of a better word?) "sensitive" to sand yet???

We went for a walk on Pier 60. Every night they have Sunset Entertainment, runs from 5:30 to Sunset......vendors selling the usual jewelrey and cool beach/Florida knickknack stuffs...there's the Caricature people, Fireeaters, SprayPainters, Sculptors and even this guy..his name was Nick. He was a junior in highschool and is part of some Theatre Groupe...or so he claimed...maybe he's just out to make condmn and beer money who knows. Who really cares. lol

He did a few cool 'warm-up' tricks then had 2 guys from the crowd buckle him into a straight jacket and wind him up in 150 feet of rope. And then he proceeded to escape....It WAS pretty cool....

But I was too busy watching some white guy hit on two black chicks -- then one of them threw her RedBull in the guys' face...LOLOL People watching is WAY more fun than the entertainment itself !

Never did find out what he did to piss that chick off..but..even I know...ya don't mess with dat black chicks !! They mess yer shit UP !!!

Alexx really, Really, REALLY wanted to get a Henna Tattoo thingy. We walked by the stand three times and finally I got Rog to stop and at least ask how much it was....$5 and up. cool. (I didn't have any cash on me or this wouldn't have been an issue in the first place...Alexx wants henna...Alexx gets henna)

But THIS is where Vicki gets unFRICKENravelled !!!! That motherFHusband was willing to spend money to buy BRAND SPANKIN' NEW fricken rods, reels, tackle, bait, lures and whatever else for HIMSELF AND LOGAN but won't cough up a God Damn $15 for Alexx to get a Henna tattoo ??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??????????????????

I almost beat that man to a pulp in public !!! So we're standing there, at the Henna Stand...and he hands me a $5. I look at him..........UM HELLO????? Another FIVE please?????? The Henna lady watching the whole process proceed...As I whispered/mouthed to him "how much did you spend on that rod and reel for Logan?" He handed me another $5.

Alexx picked her picture....it was $15. The lady smiled at Alexx and said "Being you are smaller I will do that one for $10".....I looked at her and she read my face like a book. THANK YOU. For understanding...and for Alexx.....

There were too many cops around to actually get away with "Spousicide" (Urban Dictionary).

Alexx got her Henna:

On Saturday we went to Sand Key instead of Clearwater Beach...Wasn't planned, we just ended up there.

Which turned into a really cool day !!! This place had lots of people, but LOTS more seashells for Alexx....Logan begged and pleaded with Rog to go fishing again so they left me and Alexx alone again....(I kinda like this....she's actually kinda funny, haha takes after me!!)

(The following is Alexx's commentary as if I were writing....)

Anyway, while me and Alexx were here, Alexx went to look for shells while I was keeping my face out of the sun but not the rest of my gorgeous body. (*hahah I like this girl*)

I went to cool off in the water and I kept stepping on sharp unidentified objects. I hate that. I didn't dare pick them up because I didn't know if I was going to be simply bitten or grossed out.. Alexx went to go look for shells and found some really cool pieces of Sand Dollars. I went back and got my flipflops to walk in...cuz I hate the yucky stuff on the bottom...I found this really HUGE shell...went to pick it up and it was fricken heavy. Turns out it was a clam. It was shut tight. After I went and layed back down, she went back to look for more shells. She found another one! This one wasn't nearly as big as the one I found earlier, but still cool. We put them in a bucket of water and watched them open and close. The really big one didn't do anything, but the smaller one would open and close with the coolest tiny blue dots on the edge. I picked it up and waited for it to open again.. It did. Then it spit on me !!! I have no idea WHAT it was or WHY but I did NOT hold it again. !!!

Of COURSE we brought them home! I babysat that ice cream bucket of water and clams all the way home. And she's taking them to school in the morning. Too funny !! I kept telling Rog that my Retirement Pearl was in that damn Clam !! Ha Ha

This is the humongous clam that I found! It's pretty cool...After awhile it stuck out this nasty black thing and was like scoping out the water...She found 3...and all of them are alive and moving...sticking gross things out from inside...blech.

ANYWAY, MEANWHILE...while all THAT was going on, there were these 3 old farts chilling out behind us. The had their chairs planted in the sand and one had his binoculars out and I ain't even gonna guess as to what he was scoping out....

Rog and Logan hung out for a bit then went fishing. Alexx was scoping out shells and I was left alone. I was moving my blanket around the umbrella to keep my lobster face out of the sun and yet still be able to bronze the rest of my fat ass.

These guys were your typical old farts...and I knew damn well they weren't always watching the boats going by, nor the dolphins breaking surface out yonder.

They were packing up to leave and the one with the binoculars (go figure !!) comes running over to me.

I honestly had no idea what to expect. I had taken extra care not to bend over facing them or AWAY from them...in case either end fell out of the confines of my fricken-ass OLD suit I was wearing....

(I checked out buying a New suit at the surf shops....sorry. I can't justify $25 for a top and bottom --SEPERATE!!! $50 for a suit?? Um, not so much)

ANYWAY, he walks over to me, real quick like. I'm all alone at this point...He was probly in the late-50 early 60 range. Really tan. Obvious native. Hardly something to be afraid of. LOL

He rushes up and says to me "I'm sorry if I'm not politically correct or I offend you, but you are the hottest lady on the beach !" And he turned and rushed away before I could even react or respond.

OFFEND ME????? Had he not rushed off back to his buddies do damn fast I would have given him the benefit of my doubt !! LOL k, just kidding there.

But you can DAMN BET YOUR ASS I STOOD UP STRAIGHT after that !! Damn SKIPPY !!!

Then.

I.

Saw.

My.

Competition.

Ugh. LOLOLOLOL

All in all, it was a good weekend. I really enjoyed myself..It was good to get out of Orlando finally....the room sucked, but it sufficed...the kids had fun..I think they enjoyed the pool more than the beach...I fed my sand and sun addiction..

FireFox

2009-03-29T13:48:00.001-04:00

Nothing is more frustrating than being in the middle of something online and the damn site, and your whole damn puter, freezes up. Can’t shut anything down, can’t close any windows, nothing. The only way to unstick it is to do the whole CTL ALT DEL thing. GRRRR

And this was happening A LOT !!! I can take an occasional stall. Maybe waiting for a big graphic to load or something. But this was starting to piss me off.

Of course, my first thought was that I caught some damn virus or worm. So I did all the cleaning stuff I do. I ran everything ! It was no better.

Now what? I went to my trusty answer man, Google. I typed in “IE7 keeps freezing up” . I got a couple of so-called solutions. I tried them. Still no better.

Then I came across an article about IE and Firefox. Seems this problem only exists with IE. Hmmmm. Interesting. Tho, not surprising.

Now the idea of switching browsers is not something that I really wanted to fiddle with. I had my shit all set up in IE, my settings the way I liked em, Links, Favorites, etc.

But I went for it. I figured if I don’t like it I go back.

And guess what?

I haven’t had a freeze-up in 2 days !!

What’s your thoughts? Is IE really that bad and I’m just figurin’ this out now?

Shakin' My Head...

2009-03-29T13:47:00.003-04:00

Today is Monday. You need to know that for later.....

.. ..If you're lost already............go back One Blog.......

So, I’m in the middle of hookin’ up the damned ass DVR and I run out of beer. Ya think after 4 hours a half assed right handed person coulda figgered it out !!??

Hell NO !!....

So I done left the kids at the house with my wireless laptops, by bigscreen TV,DVR that don’t quite work…and battery operated BOB—and I run my ass to the corner Mobil for some Burr! (That’s Beer to you ‘not so simple folk’)

I was standing there, 2nd in line, with my 12 pack….behind this gruffy old dude…....

He’s says to the clerk: “What’s yer cheapest cigarettes?”....

I says to him: “The quittin’ ones. I am 11 days in, give em up !!” Trying to be encouraging but not drilling….cuz NO smoker likes that !!!....

He says to me: “I got a thing going with my daughter…she quits sucking her thumb ..I will quit smokin’”....

I says to him: “That is just wrong !! YOU quit smoking and SHE will quit sucking her thumb !! You got it backwards !”....

He says: “I only see her on weekends”

..He bought his smokes and left..................Shakin' my head.....

DVR and Lost Bob

2009-03-29T13:47:00.001-04:00

I am tool literate (which means I am really good at power tools and attachments! Go ahead, make your jokes.), I am computer literate (which means I can do pretty much anything around and just below the ‘install new hard drive’ area) and I AM electronics literate. Which means I can connect a TV, DVD, VCR, AMP, TUNER, SPEAKERS, VIDEO GAMES ---and BOB--- and make them all work with ONE remote from 50 yards away !! LOL
But, on Saturday, my one and only DVR went tits up. This is my LIFE !!
It been acting up like a horny bitch for the past month or two. But Saturday it was all -out -done. Wouldn’t even open her mouth to spit out my damn Days Of Our Lives disc !! HELLO??? FRIDAY EPISODE!!! That and some Desperate Housewives, CSI, Criminial Minds, etc.
I sent Rog in to Best Buy on Sat aft to ‘check out what they got’. He comes back with the option of “open box”…. For a mere $135 etc. Leave it to a man to check out the cheap and free shit when it aint’ something THEY want!! I know what Open Box means…..display models…no manuals…no remotes….no cables….NADA.
Okay, I’ll bite. I already got the cables. They thru in the Universal Remote for free!! What a deal !!
2:30pm….I hook this shit up. Remember I ain’t no dummie, and I ain’t drunk…YET. I plug in all those cables. …Just like Mr. Best Buy told me….I did the whole Universal Remote CODE SEARCH for my TV and Direct TV Box. Worked like a charm. I got channels. I got Guide, Menu, Info. It all there ! Hell, I could change channels on the neighbors 3 houses down !!! (Imagine that, like Grumpy Old Men….come on, you have to have seen THAT !!! Remember? Was it Wheel Of Fortune??)……..ANYHOO>…………….
Do you think for the life of me I could get this SONY Universal Remote to work on my SONY DVR ???? On/Off? Works like a charm. Anything else? BITE ME !!
Today I took the “out of box” back to the store. I says to the nice young Indian guy behind the Geek Squad counter (I can make jokes like that cuz my hubby is one of them !!!) I says to him: Your boy sold me this “out of box” unit and this universal remote yesterday. I get the “out of box thing --with no cables, manual or remote ” its all good, but this remote runs my dishwasher and garage door --but NOT this DVR !
I want a NEW remote that goes with THIS unit, you either program THIS remote to run THIS DVR, or I want a whole new unit with its own remote.
And that is EXACTLY how I said it… With a smile. And my pretty lipstick, hair all done up, and nice Florida attire !! LOL Woo Hoo………
I walked out of there with a whole new unit, in the box, with remote…

and only cost me $70.45 MORE than what I paid for the ‘out of box’…..UGH.
Only took me 4 hours to hook it up and make it work. I aint’ recorded anything yet…but you’ll hear about it if I don’t.
By the way……………..I DID have to make a trip to the local beer distribution point mid installation…………….NEXT BLOG>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Have I Forgotten Again?????

2009-03-29T13:45:00.001-04:00

I must be getting old. Correction: oldER. There IS a difference, you know !! I’d tell ya what it is, but I can’t remember…….
I can’t remember ANYTHING anymore !!
I’m okay with the long term stuff….I can remember back to 1969 ! But yesterday? Fergitaboutit !!
I was sitting on the shitter yesterday… (not actually shittin’, but I was sittin’, cuz that’s how us girls roll) Anyway, I was sitting there and OF COURSE ! Cuz it was ME !! The toilet paper roll was empty-again. Never fails. So I did the considerate thing, I put a new roll on the rolly thingy.
Then it hit me….. I could have SWORN that I just did that like 2 hours ago !!!! Didn’t I? Or was it the day before? I sat a bit longer than necessary, to ponder WHEN it was exactly that I changed the toilet paper thingy last.
This still bugs me today…that was yesterday, remember? Or was it last week?
So, it’s like 2 in the afternoon. I suddenly can’t remember if I showered that morning. Well, I KNOW that I did. I just can’t remember actually DOING it ! Did I shave my legs too????
My kids. If they paid attention they could bilk me for more than AIG !
“Mom, remember yesterday I told you I needed $10 for the school field trip?” Umm…….no…………….”But I need it TODAY!” ……I stand there rackin’ my brain trying to remember…….hands over cash to kid…..

I clean a lot. And I find I can’t remember WHERE I cleaned things to.
Like-- where the hell did I put BOB !!! I have lost BOB !! I’m sure I hid him in a new place, so the kids wouldn’t find him…but now I can’t find him either !!!
Speaking of BOB, sometimes I can’t remember having sex. (Not with BOB, with the husband !!) Course, this usually only happens when I’ve been drinking. But STILL !!! How do you NOT remember getting pummeled, impaled and pounded? Don’t get me wrong. It’s good sex…not forgetable…but it’s kinda freaky when ya bug the husband about “when he’s gonna put out” and he says to you “you got it last night !!”.
Ummmm………………okaaaayyy……if you say so…….rackin’ brain again….
But I’m getting’ really good at fakin’ it……..not the sex …. Jeesh !!! Who fakes THAT !?!!?
Just please, tell me this is memory shit is only temporary and one day I’ll wake up and remember where BOB is !!!

All Horned Up With No Place To Go

2009-03-29T13:44:00.001-04:00

Yeah, so most of ya know I’m quitting smoking. I figured at $4.50 a pack I could buy ALOT more alcohol without the added nicotine expense. And the way I drink, that extra cash will come in very handy.

Maybe I can move up to a wine WITH a cork !!!

I’m doing pretty good. Lucky for me, even after 26 years, I am still just one of those bitches that only smoke when they drink. Course, I made LOTS of excuses to drink ! But, it’s made quitting easy, so far. I’ve been drinking at home, same as usual. Course, I haven’t yet tested myself in a bar situation. All my beer buds are smokers. Could be a very scary situation….NDLaw, you might have to come down and be my ‘support person’ !! LOL

They say when ya give up one habit another one takes it’s place. Or is it you’re supposed to replace the bad habit with a good one? I forget.

Anyhoo, I think I found my replacement habit. Or rather, I think my hormones pointed it out for me.

Can we say “horney” ?!?! Altogether now, “HORNEY” !!!

For the love of God ! I can’t get thru a day without thinking about sex. Without some erotic, carnal image popping into my brain at any random minute.

Sitting at my desk and BAM !! Sitting in my car at a stoplight…guy in car next to me…BAM !! In the elevator, alone. BAM !! It don’t stop. All friggen day long !!!

Not that I’m complaining, mind you. I love sex. With my husband or without him. It’s good all around. I could get it every day from him and I’ll still fire up the ole AA BOB on a commercial break with Kelly and Regis. Yeah, I’m that fast sometimes. LOL

My mind is obsessed with it. A guy walks by and my first thought is what it would be like to jump his bones. Right then and there, in the cereal aisle, between the PopTarts and Froot Loops. I don’t care if he’s single, married, or gay. He sportin’ some sausage, I be needing breakfast.

I was at the gym today. And I was checking out the chicks !! Sweaty chicks !! WTH??? (k, some of you know I have a fantasy involving chicks and I DO check them out more than I probly should !! LOL No, I am not a lesbian, but I’ll give it a shot if she lands in my lap !!)

I hear they say “the more ya get, the more ya want”. Sounds like an addiction to me. And NO, I do NOT want an Intervention, so you all just BACK the shit OFF !! Unless, of course, it’s not THAT kind of intervention……SEE? There I go again !!!

My poor husband. He’s doing really good at keeping up with me. I give him kudos. He’s a trouper. And he’s hitting his targets dead on for the most part. Lord knows, he’s only a man. They ain’t always got the best timing…but I catch up. I can always call in BOBBackup. LOL

Which reminds me, I want a new BOB. *yawn* He’s okay. But it’s time for new. Bigger. Need more girth. Am I wrong, girls? It really is all about girth.

OH !!! I was making a salad this morning and I was peeling a cucumber ! What do you think I was thinking????? I almost dropped the damn peeler and sat down on the kitchen floor !!!

I kid you not. And my husband wouldn’t have known the difference. LOLOL Best salad HE ever ate !!

(Alright, which of you went THERE with the whole Tossin’ the Salad thing?! SEE ! I knew it !! I’m not alone here !!)

So, anyway… If this is what happens when ya quit smoking then I’m gonna quit EVERY day !!!

I’m scared to quit drinking too. You’d probly find my stuck to the stick shift in my car !! I be revvin’ from 5th to reverse and back again !! LOL

It's Time Again.

2009-03-29T13:43:00.002-04:00

It’s that time again. I’ve found myself in the same boat I was in exactly one year ago this month. And now it’s time to trade the boat in for a wagon --again.

I am pretty disappointed in myself of late. I have fallen into some unhealthy habits and they are slowly draggin me down. My self-medicating of beer and wine, with the added prescription of nicotine is slowly undoing what I was so proud of last year. That not-so-flattering muffin top is fighting tooth and nail to settle itself back onto my midsection. And I’m giving it all the help it needs.

The fact that I hit the gym 5 days a week is of no consolation. I am barely maintaining. In fact, I am slowly slipping behind. The empty alcoholic calories added with the recovery effort consisting of chips, pasta and Double Stacks from Wendy’s are winning the race. All my hours of dripping sweat for naught. Say nothing of being alcoholically dehydrated prior to working up said sweat ! Which induces massive thirst, which later results in countless trips to the bathroom, which is just downright annoying in itself !!

My scale is bold-face lying to me ! Or it’s broke. Either way, I’m keeping it ! My jeans, however, are screaming at me in ALL CAPS ! Apparently I haven’t gained any documented pounds. But I know for a fact that ‘something’ is settling into areas that previously did not possess such width. And my ass is NOT where those ‘things’ need to be settling. Maybe if I stood on my head I could redirect those ‘things’ into a more acceptable location?

So, with all that in mind, and the fact that my local dealer has informed me of a looming increase in cigarette tax, I have resigned myself to the fact that I must, once again, experience the dreaded DT’s. Thankfully, these only last a few days, a week at most.

The cigs are easier to resist than the liquid poisons. As long as I stay away from those sneaky beers I’m fine. But damn it, open beer and it’s “insert Marlboro”. And, like a good lush, I justify one with the other. And vice versa.

I bought my last pack last night. There are no beers in the fridge. There is no wine in the fridge. There IS a bottle of vodka in the freezer, but I find that it upsets my stomach easily. So I’m hoping that will be deterrent enough.

My husband is tired of having sex with a drunk ashtray….And I’m tired of not remembering it.

Rock Bottom

2009-03-29T13:43:00.001-04:00

For those of you who read my last blog, you will understand. This is for preferred readers only as it is embarrassing enough just to type it. I never had a preferred list until now.

For those that didn’t read the last blog..a recap………I am quitting smoking. Today was the end. The beginning of the end. Go back and read the Muffin Top if you need to.

Today I picked the kids up at 3pm. Cracked the vodka. I had 11 cigarettes left. And I savored them….I paced them. I didn’t want to run out before I was done drinking. Heaven forbid. That has happened before. And any smoker knows that is NOT a good thing ! haha

I vaccumed, did laundry, dishes, blew out the garage and driveway and raked under our forever shedding tree.

At 7pm I sat. Vodka Cran in hand. 5 cigarettes left. Feeling a bit nauseous from the vodka. I was determined to smoke them all. No matter what.

Step back in time…..last night I made roast in the slow cooker. This morning I went to the gym, ate no breakfast, no lunch and no dinner……….

Step back to current time….7pm. Family fed, dishes done. I was filthy dirty from the raking so I needed to hit the shower.

I sat at my table in the patio….the vodka eating my stomach something awful.

I looked in my remaining pack of smokes…..4 left. The disgusted me.

I took all 4 out. I held them in my hand. And I crushed them. I broke them into tiny bits, unsalvageable.

Done. Over. The end.

I went off to the shower…..stomach on fire. The vodka burning me up. I knew better than to do vodka on an empty stomach. But I had nothing else in the house. No wine. No beer.

I stood there. The hot water running down my body. The heat of the water actually making me feel worse. So I went for it……………….Finger down the throat. God I hate that feeling. But I had to do it. Most of us have done it, if not once, twice or many times.

I thought all I would see was liquid. Vodka and cran. Where did these god awful chunks of stuff come from? I had no idea what they were. Surely wasn’t roast from the night before, and I hadn’t eaten all day…..

Didn’t matter. They weren’t going down the drain. I was going to have to pick them up and dispose of them. As if I wasn’t feeling sick enough. God, that was so fucking GROSS !!!

Not done. I knew there was more….hoping it was only gonna be liquid finally…nope. More unidentifiable chunks. I turned the water colder. I was chilled already, but the hot water was only making matters worse. I needed to cool down.

Finally I could stand and not feel that sickening feeling in my stomach. I cried. What the fuck was I doing to myself???

My Rock Bottom.

Not everyone’s bottom... Some bottoms are lower than others. But I was at mine. I hated myself. I hated what I was doing to myself.

At the same time, I was glad to be where I was. Strange as that sounds.

I cleaned up the shower. Picked up those god awful chunks that didn’t fit thru the drain strainer thing, washed the rest down.

I got out. Brushed my teeth. And I looked myself in the mirror.

I let my daughter beat me in a game of darts and am now I am headed off to bed to make love to my husband.

Tomorrow is a new day. A clean day. A fresh start. No promises. One day at a time. All I know is, I refuse to ever feel again what I felt like this evening.

Life is too short to be wasted on being wasted.

Your Life...How You Got There

2009-03-29T13:42:00.001-04:00

Ya ever sit and think about how you got to where you are at in life, at this very moment? The cycle of events that brought you to who you are today?

Who do you thank…or curse?

Growing up in a small town in ND, my outlook on life was pretty grim, uneventful I guess. I was destined to be a wife, mother and hold a job that paid little and had no advancement opportunities….If you ‘escape”, it was to the “Cities” aka Minneapolis/St. Paul; and some even made it so far as Colorado…. Woo hoo !!

Making my “escape” took hubby #2. He loaded me up and moved me out and away…to Orlando…1991. Seems like ages now. As an adult now, I look back and wonder “what the fuck was I thinking!?!?!??!”

History goes to show, that marriage didn’t last but….if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be in FL today. It wasn’t easy. Being married -and not…It never is. Being on your own is hard enough, let alone being 1800 miles from the only life and family you’ve ever known. And I had to do it after being abandoned by the only person I had to hold on to. I was stronger than I thought, or stronger than I let on.

THAT took some growing up. And doing it in a big city is no picnic. I did and saw things I would never have in little ole North Dakota. I could talk race, crime, sex and God knows what !!! I had no one to rely on but myself and my ‘so-called’ friends….in the hospitality business those friends come and go like the wind..no one is forever…..but I learned. And I grew.

Over the course of those 8-9 years I weathered a marriage, separation, divorce and singledom. I learned legal systems that didn’t work, rentals that you sign your life away on, and jobs that are best to hold on to, no matter how shitty they are. Bills have to be paid.

I thank my parents for the work ethics they instilled in me. Nothing is for free. I worked long and hard hours. I was a server, but I dishwashed and whatever else…when I could…bills had to be paid….

Before moving south I married my high school sweetheart. I had the Cinderella wedding. I knew that it would never last, I knew in my gut. As I stood up there saying my vows I saw people tearing up in the congregation. I stood there and wondered what the big deal was. DUH ! It was just a party to me. I got to be the center of attention. I WAS CINDERELLA !!! I was 20. Wasn’t that all that mattered????? HELLO???!!!!

To this day, I have no idea how much I hurt that high school sweetheart. I cheated and divorced in a matter of 18 months. I have no idea whose fault it was. Maybe it was both. I think we were just both too young to even know or have a clue as to how to communicate our feelings and needs. We were kids. We were actors in a play. And the show must go on………….or not.
I am a strong believer in what is meant to be, will be. Things happen for a reason. We may suffer as we travel, but the destination is always worth the discomfort and pain.

After being left by hubby #2, with an apartment I couldn’t afford, a truck I didn’t want and a job that didn’t pay my bills I was near the end of my rope. I had resorted to living off beer, cigarettes and popcorn. I went from a size 11 to 8 in a matter of a month. I worked 12 hour days and drank myself to sleep at night cuz I didn’t like going home alone. Eventually the drain on my body caught up with me.

In the meantime, there was a guy at work. I had absolutely NO attraction to him-- whatsoever. Me--white Scandanavian chick from North Dakota……He --from Inda. Nuf said…..Um….not so much. Not At ALL !!! Go AWAY !!!!

He was a friend of a girlfriend so I couldn’t really escape him. He didn’t pressure so much as he was persisted. I was standoffish…last thing I needed was ANOTHER MAN to fuck up my life !! I knew he wanted more. I just wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I wasn’t able to give anyone anything. I was a shell of myself. Wallowing in my own self pity and misery. Drowning it all in alcohol and endless hours of work.

I don’t think that I was ever rude…you’ld have to ask him that…but he never gave up…..then the flowers started coming. Every couple of days. HUGE boquets. To work !! For everyone to see. These were NOT cheap displays !!! Of course everyone thought I was fucking him…It infuriated me to be called a liar. God I hated that insinuation!!!

…Enter the “drain on my body”…………………..The long hours of work, lack of decent eating, and massive intake of alcohol eventually progressed into a nice urinary tract infection………….which I let go…….as I had no money for a doctor…………thought I would self treat with cranberry juice and more alcohol…………….

I left work one night, early….sacrificing my rent payment money. I couldn’t stand upright anymore. The pain was killing me. I drove home and went to bed.

I made 1 phone call that night.

And that changed my life. Forever.

I now have my dream. A family. Two healthy, happy, smart kids and a husband that loves me to no end. He infuriates me at times. As I do him, I KNOW….but, that comes with the territory….. Balance.

Life is a journey. Sometimes rocks are placed in our path to cause us to stumble… to force us to regain our footings. To reassess. Sometimes we unknowing place rocks in our OWN path, to trip ourselves up…to make us re-evaluate the path we are heading down, and to divert ourselves back to where we need to be. Everything happens for a reason.

Never wallow in your sorrows. Revel in them. Learn from them. Grow from them.

Puke Farts and Raw Hotdogs

2009-03-29T13:41:00.000-04:00

I’m a sittin’ here, sippin’ on my vodka crans….and thinking to myself…......

.. ..

Do slow drivers do it on purpose? It has NOTHING to do with saving gas. I think they are just plain slow, in general, you know…upstairs. Do they realize if they actually went the speed limit they wouldn’t hit so many red lights and actually get where they are going? And so would I ! GRR !....

.. ..

Why do I get me period on vacations and holidays? Never fails. I can plan around when it’s supposed to be there…but it won’t turn out that way. It will be late, or early. Just because. And men think getting and “inconvenient chub” is a pain in the ass. (haha think about that! Pain in the ass….LOL)....

.. ..

Why is it when I get in the shortest checkout lane it’s going to be the one with the idiot that doesn’t know how to work the debit thing? PIN? What’s that? ....

.. ..

Why do I suddenly get the chills in the shower when I’m holding a razor in my hand? Do you know what it feels like to shave off all your goosebumps?????....

.. ..

I like to mouth the words along with my mp3 on the crosstrainer. With my eyes shut. And I don’t care what people think. My husband thinks I’m weird.....

I fart at my desk. Roger always walks in just when it’s starting to permeate the room ! LOLOLOL I really need to get a candle in there !! ....

.. ..

I cut and color my own hair. Leaves me more money for alcohol and tobacco. ....

.. ..

I eat raw hotdogs. And I don’t’ really care what they are made of. After rimming your husband, it’s kind of irrelevant. LOL....

.. ..

I can clean up shit with my bare hands, but I can’t go near puke. Might be post-tramatic syndrome from that high school party where I woke up with my face on a kitchen table in a pile of my own puke? Lightweight.....

.. ..

My husband says I snore. I’ll stop snoring --if he stops farting on my legs when I’m playing Big Spoon !! ....

.. ..

My daughter thinks a new song is cool. She sings it to me. I sit listening, patiently, grinning ear to ear…….Then I show her the original Pat Benatar or Billy Idol version from the 80’s !! ....

.. ..

I think me and Charlie on “Two And A Half Men” would make a great friends !! ....

.. ..

I would love to go to one of Durt’s BLACKOUT parties. Just once. ....

.. ..

Leaving it at that. ....

No Candy Hearts For Me

2009-02-18T13:22:00.001-05:00

Happy Fricken Valentines. Yippie. Woo Hoo. What a waste of a holiday.

We went to the gym together, and that’s where all the niceties ended. By noon we were at each other’s throats. We were supposed to go shopping this afternoon. But I ended up going alone. Just as well. What man enjoys bra shopping? LOL But that’s beside the point.

It’s now 1am and we’ve said less than 10 words to each other all day. I couldn’t sleep and the longer I laid in that bed the more worked up I got. He slept on the couch all fricken day, and most of the evening. Then comes to bed and rolls over and goes right to sleep. GRRRR Leaves the kids to me, as usual.

His final words of the day to me were: “What’s for dinner?” I said I don’t know, made something up for the kids and ignored him. Hungry? Make something. Am I wearing some big white poofie hat that says “Cook” on it?

And I am getting so angry and resentful at the office. I can’t listen to those other 2 girls complain about him anymore. He’s a terrible boss. Has no people skills when it comes to communication. He thinks they, and ME, are uneducated and unqualified to have opinions, ideas or thoughts. We are just supposed to do what we are told. Yes, even me.

It’s been 3 years since I agreed to work with him. And I have yet to receive a paycheck. He refuses to pay me. I feel so used. Taken for granted. And unappreciated. It’s not that I even NEED the money so much as it is the principle. How can he feel like he can treat me like this? I just don’t get it.

But I’m getting angrier and angrier. He is impossible to work for. There’s no pleasing him. And the girls are so frustrated. But he won’t listen to anyone. Everything is HIS way, it’s the ONLY way and there’s NOTHING ANYONE can say to change that. I can’t listen to the girls anymore. It’s putting a bad taste in my mouth and I can’t stand it anymore.

I am going to have to put the blinders on, go in, do what I have to, and get out of there . Avoiding any conversation with them. It’s too infuriating.

Thank God there’s no school on Monday. I have a reason to stay home.

Oh, I did something today that I haven’t done in a couple years. I read a book. A BOOK !!! The entire thing. 29 chapters. In one afternoon. I didn’t realize I missed doing that.

Why can’t I sleep? Being in that bed with him makes my skin crawl right now. Guess I’ll just stay out here. I wonder how long it will take him to notice, and will he even bother to come see where I am?

The Phone Saga

2009-02-18T13:21:00.001-05:00

Ah, how did we ever survive without cell phones? My daughter is learning this this week. Not by any fault of my own !! This is all hers !!!!

I have her my phone a week before Christmas. She begged and begged so it was part of her Christmas present (unlimited texting was the other part.)

Anyway, so I gave her my phone, I had had it all of just over a year. 18 months to be exact. It wasn’t no cheap thing. A Samsung Blast, runs about $180. (Of course I didn’t pay that !! Love those Full Free Upgrades !!!)

Two weeks ago, she spilled hot chocolate on it. It ain’t been right in the head since. If we can get it to charge, it might work. We don’t dare shut it off, it won’t come back on. The screen flashes white, blinks and goes black. I managed to back up her phonebook and all her pics . She had a SD memory card in it that had a bucket of music on it. We knew it was gonna croak on us, just a matter of time…..

Last Friday she had a slumber party at a girlfriends. I dropped off her sleepingbag and pillow and she tells me that her phone is dying. I told her to plug it in and see if it will charge overnight.

Saturday morning comes and I get a call from one of her friend’s phone. It’s Alexx. “I can’t find my phone”. Well, it can’t very well have walked out the door so it has to be in that house somewhere. We still ain’t seen it. I’m giving it another couple days. Maybe it will turn up. She said she saw it on the charge that morning. I’m guessing the 1 yr old hijacked it and it’s in the toilet, heading west to the coast.

I could really care less about the phone itself. But the SIM card and memory card are gonna cost me another $30 to replace. AND I DO have to get a replacement phone. Cuz that wonderful Full Free Upgrade don’t come due again till June.

Thank God for Ebay !! I been searching unlocked phones there. Not a great selection, but for $25 that all she getting !! No fancy slider, no QWERTY keyboard, no camera. A phone. It rings. It types. It sends. Deal with it, little girl.

Anybody got phone horror stories? Anybody got any cool websites that sells unlocked phones cheap? Any advice or suggestions?

Hell, if you got a spare phone ya wanna get rid of I might be convinced to buy it off ya!

Facebook. Yeah, I’m there too. Facebook is like the virgin version of this place. I think I have yet to see a cussword on a wall there !! Heaven forbid a near-pornagraphic profile pic.

Hard as hell to find anybody there. And you can’t check out their page until they ‘friend’ ya. (There IS a public setting, but most are set to private. Sucks)

I found my last ex there. (as opposed to my ‘next’ ex?! Haha) I hesitated ‘friendin’ him as we haven’t spoken to each other in round 12 or 13 years. The last year we were married he ran off to Gainesville. To work, so he said. Never seen him again.

Anyway, I found him. I sent him a friend request, and the next day he accepted. We said brief hellos. I left a very platonic, general message on his wall.

Two days later he deleted me. I’m guessing he had to explain me to the wife. The same chick he hooked up with while he was ‘working’ in Gainesville, while married to me. I really don’t give two shits. I think it’s funny. Makes me smile to know I got to him, or her. And I didn’t have to do anything !!

He looks tired, and still has the same haircut as he did in 1993, and the same beer belly. His wife is kinda pudgy. Tee Hee You all know what I’m thinking !!!! LOLOLOLOL

There. I’m done now. What ya got to say fer yerselves?

For Princess.

2009-02-18T13:20:00.000-05:00

Princess wants more blogs….Women !! So Demanding !! Never satisfied !!! LOL So here you are, Princess, one from Pearl !

Blogging. WTF?! Up till a year ago I had no idea you people or the idea of “blogging” even existed.

But what a ride it has taken me on !!! WOW !!

I have met women from all over the world I would LOVE to meet one day. Chances are it will never happen, but what the hell….I’ll cling to them on here if that’s all I get.
I have met men that, to this day, I take to bed with me at night, and …THANK YOU BOYS !!!
I had the experience of cyber sex. That’s a Double WOW !! Holy Shit !! I learned to do things with my imagination that I never knew I could do. As bad as some of you think Cyber Sex is, and it can be. For what I experienced it was an eye opener. I learned a lot about myself thru that, but I don’t recommend it. Try Yoga instead. Breathe, girls. Don’t forget to BREATHE !! That’s all I can say.

I got into the cyber thing kinda deep. Shallow, by most standards, but deep for me. I was a virgin and taken on rides I would never thought existed. I had fun, and I suffered the consequences of it. Not a trip I would encourage the happily married. In fact, if you go there, you ain’t happily married and there are deeper issues you need to address that cybering is NOT going to help, by any means.

Blogging. I was very shy at first. A lurker. Afraid to comment for fear the wrath of someone who disagreed with me. Like they were gonna hunt me down and beat me for my comment. I got braver, and found that, for the most part, people agreed with me. I was not alone in my thoughts. Then, it started to be fun !! I got to be a smart ass. Yet I kept my honesty, cuz after awhile I didn’t give a rat’s ass what people thought of me.

Then, I wrote my very own first blog. Talk about scared !!! To put myself out there, for all to see…shit, that was scarier than my first blowjob. Afraid to fuck it up. But, just like when I was 15, I swallowed, and people liked it. Woo Hoo !!!

At first I thought I had to blog to impress. That took awhile. And it was hard. As time went on I found that just venting was easier to write about.

I’m not single, I’m not dating , so I don’t have all those exciting ventures to brag about. I used to be jealous of those people. Over that. I like my simple life, as boring as it is, it keeps me busy. But I feel like I bore you guys with it, so I don’t blog all that often.

So, my dear Princess, this ones for you !! Here I am !! Still reading, still writing. I have not forgotten you !!!!

Keep writing, friends, I am still reading you, just slow to respond these days. RL has taken over and I am trying to keep up with you guys !!!

I really need to blog about sex soon…..Ya Think???? LOL

There's Turkey in the Bacon !!!

2009-02-18T13:18:00.000-05:00

My daughter loves bacon for breakfast before school. No eggs. No pancakes or waffles. Just bacon. In 2 days a package is gone. $2 a package. So, me and Rog doing our monthly Sam’s Club run and see this stuff called Turkey Bacon. Hmmmm, he’s all for it, I’m thinking………….”I know my daughter better than you do and I know I wouldn’t eat it,,,,,,,,but okay……your dollar…….”

Yesterday, I made her bacon for breakfast. I never said a word to her, brought it to her in bed, like I do………..cuz she’s spoiled……cuz she’s my girl……cuz that’s what this mommy does.

Yeah, the bacon was returned to the kitchen. “Mommy, this bacon tastes funny.” LOL K, maybe not LOL, maybe LTM (laughed to myself). I left it on the counter for Rog to find. I came home from gym 2 hours later to see it still sitting there.
Um, yeah, no. Turkey Bacon sucks. What the hell do I do with the other 2 packages in the freezer now?

Been 80 degrees down here all winter…….today it raining and cold. Gonna hit the 30’s tonight. My heat comes on at 73. BUT, I shouldn’t complain, cuz back home, in good ole North Dakota, it gonna be 30 BELOW ZERO tomorrow !!! If you have NEVER encountered a full on winter in the Midwest, you ain’t lived !!! I remember, and you can’t pay me enough to move back to that !!! Nice people up there, but the weather sucks !!! It’s cold, colder, slush, then mosquitos, then back to cold. There ain’t no happy medium. Still, good people.

Rog got approved for FHA loans. Hopefully now we can kick business in the ass and make some money for a change !!!! FHA loans, for those that ain’t been a homeowner yet, are loans for the not so well off. Your credit is in the toilet and you got meager funds in the bank for downpayment. Interest rates are higher but in 6 months you can refinance. Nowadays, pretty much everyone is FHA.

It’s end of the year. I am a scanning fool at the office. Four companies, hundreds of folders of bills to scan to archive, in case of that dreaded audit. After the scanning then it’s shredding HELL !!! I have days of this shit ahead of me.
When it rains in Florida, people drive like they are 90 !!! GOD !! You people are all from UP THERE !!! You drove in snow all your lives !! This is RAIN !!! HELLO !!! WTF !!! It’s the pedal on the right !!!!!

I did something yesterday morning I have NEVER done. I went thru a school bus stopped with it’s red lights flashing and sign out. Didn’t even see it. It was sitting at a red light. One of the busiest intersections in town. I, along with about 3 other cars in front of me, thought it was just sitting there, went right on thru the red flashing lights. What is a bus stop doing at THAT intersection?? It would have been safer had it turned the corner and picked the dern kids up on the side street !!! I still feel guilty for not seeing that. I wanted to turn around and apologize to the driver. It won’t happen again.

Do you ever come upon a speed trap, one of those motorcycle cops in a median gunning people with his nifty radar gun? Do you ever go past them then flash your lights at all the oncoming cars? Tee hee That tickles me. I heard you can get a ticket for doing that. Is that true? I say, hey, you gonna hide round a corner, flashing a warning is fair game !!!

I hate making dinner every night. What a fricken chore. A meat. A potato. A veggie. UGH !!! Most annoying thing I do all day !!! I hate it. Then after an hour of planning and preparing, I have to clean it all up. After it takes them 10 mins to devour it. –after complaining about it first !!! Waste of my time!
Where is the manual for PRETEENS??? Where does it say that the world revolves around them and ONLY them? Was I at the bar when this was handed out???? Mother FUCk !!! I swear I gave birth to a child………….not an ATTITUDE !!!! I can’t wait till PMS hits this daughter of mine !!! By the looks of things, I’m hoping I got a few years to go yet !!

Speaking of PMS !!! Holy Mother of God did I have MY day !!! Ha Ha !! Poor Rog !! That man, after 12 years STILL ain’t figured it out !!! It’s only one day for me, but when it hits, and it’s not every month, but by God, when it does….FIND SOME PLACE ELSE TO BE !! LOL It even caught me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting it for another week or so…..guess when ya get to be my age a calendar don’t mean shit anymore !! LOL Last Thursday was NOT a pretty day. And today….WAHLAH !!! Well, THAT explains IT !! LOL hahahahaha

K, so hubby due home, dinner to make. UGH…laundry in dryer and half bottle of wine to either drink or hide before he gets home…………hmmmmm……….
Think like Vicki………….

Can’t have sex, and have to hide a half bottle of wine………….what better place…….than to drink the bitch !!!!! Woo hoo Besides, it gonna be in the 30’s in the morning………….too damn cold to go to the gym…..might as well sleep in !!

Emails Make Great Blogs !

2009-02-18T13:17:00.002-05:00

I was typing this email to my dearest friend and couldn’t resist the idea that as I never have anything to say in blogs……………this might make for a chuckle or two from some of my twisted/bored friends…………..

Jo,

Ha Ha sorry the beer was short lived tonight....rog marinated the damn jerk chicken for 2 days...then he had to cut his damn green beans just right, Alexx invited Fernanda over for dinner......Logan had homework...which Rog just has NO inclination of how to do at a 3rd grade level.....and my kitchen floor was a slophouse that needed mopping a week ago !!!

I swear to God, I don't know how this place could possibly run if I weren't here !!!! It's chaos when I AM here !! LOL

Rog promised me sex last night but as soon as I switched the channel from Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, no less, to Desperate Housewives, he rolled over and went to sleep. Imagine that. Go figure. HELLO??? DVR????? Recording????? Oh NO! How silly of me !! You have to take your NAP first !!!!!!!!!!!!

It's 8:33 adn kids are in bed (alexx crashed an hour ago on her own...guess all those late night sleep overs are catching up with her), kitchen is cleaned up, floors are mopped, and Rog just went to bed...go figure............to what? Military Channel, Discovery Channel and 3 Whatever Movies are on.........ALL at the SAME time !! Flip Flip Flip....OMFG !!! LOL

I am in my patio..........cold beer.........cool breeze adn enjoying finally, a days peace and quiet......

Tomorrow afternoon I have to recaulk our bath so we can go back to using that........or I have to rig the shower curtain in the hall bath from falling down daily so we can continue to use that one until "God Roger" "gets around" to caulking our bath.......................I guess Queen Vicki might as well do it and get it done with !! Could be Easter if I let him 'get around' to it ! LOL

Ya want something done round here ya gotta do it yerself !! LOL If I left it to the prison guard it would never get done !

How the hell am I supposed to quit smoking when I have to drink to maintain my sanity in this asylum?????? For you never-smokers......for us smokers/drinkers...it's like bread and butter...........they go together and it's hard to have one without the other..........try a spoonful of butter and no bread!!!! K, now repeat. and repeat. and repeat....................Kinda like smoking without a beer !!! Yah Yah, you quitters, just shut the hell up !!! Don't want to hear it..............PLLLLBBBBBBBB Puff Puff

See, drinking makes the hours of 3-6pm go faster.......and I get a SHITLOAD of SHIT done round here when I drink AND work....course, when I drink..........he tends to cut off my sex........("I can smell the wine coming out of your pores!!!" LOLOLOL) which affects my sanity........which causes me to drink more............which.....................CHRIST......this is just a vicious circle..................I’m gonna need more batteries !!!!!

I'm not pissed......laughing actually....had enough beer already. puff puff tee hee ("I can smell the beer coming out of your pores!!") LOL

Yeah, just wait till the Jerk Chicken comes out from somewhere too !!!! Ever play Covered Wagon????? LOL Fart and pull the covers over their head !! LOLOL

Yup, so here I am……….now 9:17pm…….wondering if it’s worth going to be for….or will I get the “roll over and go to sleep” move and I’m left with the remote till God hours of the morning…..again……..Which ain’t all bad, mind you…………course…the constant “can ya turn that down a bit” kinda ruins the show…………considering he has NO problem falling asleep to the TV at full volume, except he can’t sleep to it if I’m watching it !!!

Did I tell you that we watch ALL our tv with the closed captions on???? YUP !! Done it for 12 years now. I don’t know how to watch tv any other way…. Alexx slept in our bedroom as a baby and so not to wake her we put the closed captions on and we have never shut them off………12 years later !!!! Bugs the hell out of the kids……….and anyone else that happens to come over, once in a blue moon… LOL

So, we bought a new TV for the bedroom a year ago, and wouldn’t ya know it…it has an earphone plug jacky thing !!! So, if he really gets bugged I just plug em in and crank that volume high as I want !!! Cord stretched across the bedroom. (Course, I had to move the TV closer last week cuz, it seems, I can’t read the ‘Guide’ anymore….fricken old age !!!) But I can hear REAL good with the earplugs in !!! LOL

Pisses him off at 3 am when he wakes up and wants to watch a bit of tv and has to get up to UNplug the plug so HE can HEAR the tv……….Mind you, no bother if it keeps ME awake !!!!! WTF????

Another beer please…….puff puff…………….LOL

What else?????????????...............Hmmmm……………

So, is Princess Blogger married yet??? Has anyone heard from her or did I miss a blog of hers in my bullitens? How the hell do you spell bullitens? Bulitens? Bulettins? God, I can’t get that word right for nuthin !!! lol

So I was talking to my friend Jo, where this blog originated, and we were discussing beer.. DUH!! (If we aint’ talking about sex, or unwanted hair, or men or..sex) I prefer my beer in bottles……..but they take up so damn much room in my fridge! And so I get cans……….and Logan likes to shoot the empties with his airsoft gun……….Jo says that bottles are more expensive up there (Fargo, Frozen Tundra, North Dakota). My cans and bottles are the same price down here………….what up with that??? Not that I’m complaining or anything…….and don’t go getting all hick on my ass saying that cans are all redneck and shit !!! I grew up on cans….after 25 years of drinking, do you think I give a rats ass what kinda container it comes in???? It’s all about what fits in my fridge and what don’t fill up my recycle bin before Thursday !!! Get your priorities straight !!!

Ya think Rog is snoring yet?????????? It’s 9:33 now……Is it safe to enter the cave yet? LOLOL

God, now I gotta SNEAK in and VERY quietly open the fridge, and VERY quietly pull out another CAN of beer…………see!!! Cans are QUIETER TOO !!!! No clanging of the glass !!!! Course, ya gotta smother that PSHHHAWWW of the poptop, but that’s a piece of cake !!

How long till he comes looking for me…………….?? Tee hee

Post Christmas

2009-02-18T13:17:00.001-05:00

Damn it’s been a wild ride. I hate these 2 week school breaks. And I hate these holidays.

My tree went up the day after Thanksgiving. I went the gym, came home and it was up. Might as well decorate………..

Day after Christmas…..Rog went to office………….Tree came down. Disappeared. CHOP CHOP !! K, it was artificial…………still …CHOP CHOP!!

The past two weeks has been a whirlwind……..

We had family pics taken……….got those printed and sent off to family as requested, in time for Xmas…

Did you know !!! Sam’s Club !!! OMG !!! An 11x14 pic is -----$2.87 ????? Holy Crap !!! Reprints for pennies !!!! I am all over THAT !!! Scrapbooking, here I come !!

Santa came and went. The kids are all over the Santa thing, but there had to be a present there anyway. Why not. Christmas is all about kids, right?

Rog got new white shirts for work, I got a new phone. Alexx got a stereo for her room and unlimited texting…Logan got an MP3 player………….Alexx used up 1000+ texts in 2 weeks !!! WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY TALK ABOUT??????

My house has been a revolving door the past 2 weeks. I have seen more kids come and go thru my house than I can keep names on !!! Slumber Parties??? WTF !?! There are nights I got 5 kids sleeping in my house that I KNOW I did NOT give birth to…can’t seem to put names on….and they all seem to feel comfortable calling me “Mom”. I smile inside.

I have made more popcorn than my microwave can keep up with. There were highlights put in hair, acrylic nails put on in a bedroom, glue covered bodies which resulted in community showers to wash off, a baked potato fight in my dining room, and countless nights of scary movies. Which consisted of 4 girls huddled on my couch under one blanket screeching and screaming for 2 hours !!!! Rog was NOT impressed…..but fuck him !! LOL K, didn’t make for great sex……but, I managed. LOL

I have let my kids go pretty much free rein this past week….doing all that I was never allowed to do at that age…..Harmless, giggly, girl fun….Even Logan, my 8 yr old boy enjoy some sleepovers with his friends……..including a girl !!! She spent the night one night and he slept over at her house another………(Mind you, her and her older sister practically live at my house, and they live 2 houses down)

These girls have adopted me as their “other Mom”. They call me “Mom” I find it endearing……..cute……….k, now, go away. LOL

These girls all live on my street so they are like the homeless, they wander from house to house……….eat a meal here, a snack there, movie here and sleep wherever which mom will tolerate them that night. It’s hilarious. I love it !!!

Rog….well, …there was the Bondathon…………yeah. I like James Bond….but come ON!!! A whole week of it???? How about a Brad Pitt-a-thon?????? HELLO??? He’s been good, for the most part…tolerating my Wine-a-thons……………..bored with beer………it’s wine now……………LOL

I’m counting the days till Monday…………….Back to school…….back to routine………….and………………………

IS PRINCESS MARRIED YET ???????????????????????

I can’t wait to here all about THAT !!!!

2008-12-30T22:37:00.000-05:00

For those of you that are new, my name is Vicki. I am 43, I am married for the 3rd time, have 2 kids for the first time and have never felt so lost. K, maybe not,… I was REAL lost before I met this hubby…………that comes later.

I have life pretty much made for me. Most girls would be thrilled to be me. My husband has 4 inter-related companies, my monthly bills are paid, we own 3 houses (okay, with mortgages - 2 renters) and an office condo (mortgage). Two vehicles are paid for and a hybrid Camry almost paid for.

Why the hell am I complaining? I’m not. But I see happiness before money….

2008-12-30T22:20:00.001-05:00

I have been living in Myspace for the past year or so..at first it was scary…I didn’t let anyone know how I was…..then I made friends…….and then I showed a side of me that many did not know………….then I got caught up in a dark web……….got caught, got in trouble with my husband, learned a lot, and kinda found a new side of my marriage.

No one knows me here. Not yet anyway. So I’m gonna use this as a dumping ground for shit I could never spill on Myspace….For now, this is my hiding space.

You’ll see, by backtracking thru my blogs, they are reposts of the ones on myspace. I use this as a back up, for me. Now, before anyone finds me here, this is going to be my dumping ground… for all the shit I don’t spill to anyone right now.

So, if you are here, enjoy, go back and read my other stuff, and watch for more personal stuff here.

Love,
Vicki

A Final Rant

2008-09-30T13:07:00.001-04:00

Day started out okay… Did the usual 6am rise. Get Sleeping Beauty up for school. Packed two lunches, got myself ready for gym, did dishes and cleaned up kitchen. The usual...

Went to gym. Rog got Prince Charming off to school.

Home from gym round 8:45. Kitchen a mess, clean dishes still sitting in sink, garbage still overflowing and laundry still sitting in basket……….grrr

Shower…..a bit of playtime for me…. J Get myself ready for office, clean up kitchen….only to discover that King Roger once again couldn't manage to make his own fricken lunch for himself…..FUCK !!! Can't he do anything for himself???

Make his fricken lunch……..finally get off to work………..Great. Gas light on……$3.69/gal…..k, I'll give Mobil all of $20. That should last me almost 2-3 more weeks………..cutting into my alcohol money…….

Get to office and it's one fricken thing after another…..I'm just a fricken babysitter!! He expects me to take care of shit I am in no control of. And what the hell is so hard about remembering a fucking password???? Write the fucker DOWN !!! Reset, Reset, Reset !!!! Morons !!!!! Mortgage Brokers are IDIOTS !!!

Oh, you want to submit this loan? Got a signed contract? Oh that's coming in later today? Well, I can't very well make a 1003 app without a fricken address or purchase price or loan amount !!! HELLLLOOOOO ?!?!

Credit report? Oh that was run in May…..kinda EXPIRED !!! Run it again. Yeah, that gonna cost you another $20 !!! (Yeah, the brokers pay to run YOUR credit when you want to buy a house….than why they charge you a point up front !!)

Get kids, home. Bored. Drinking vodka……So I find things to do. I hosed down my entire house outside…the gutters….the edging…the patio screens….marinated the chicken, baked King Roger's Red Velvet cake, got the taters in the oven baking…washed my car…..INBETWEEN King Roger's 15 million phone calls to fix this, fix that, reset this password and Miss Colleen doesn't understand what "download and install this link" means. Oh for fuckin sakes !!! Locked yourself out of the website? No problem. Send me the password you want to use……..Nope. Just another email telling me that you locked yourself out……..after I already emailed asking you for your preferred password…………………………….HEEELLLLLOOOOOO?????

I hate stupid people.

King Roger is off playing tennis………thank god.. I should be good an toasty by time he gets back……15 mins till corralling the kids in and off to bed……like I'm gonna get laid or anything…………….can't remember last time…………….

"I'm tired"….."I have to take a nap first,,,,while I watch Stargate…zzzzzzzzzzzzz" yeah, what the fuck ever !!!!!

It's been a day from hell……………….OHHHHHH and the best news yet…………….

The mother in law is coming again this weekend !!!!!!!!!! Happy Fucking Joy Joy !!!!

I say to Rog "what's the point? She sits on the couch watching tv talking Indian to YOU all weekend and ignoring the rest of us"

It's her last weekend here. Gonna need another bottle of vodka……………..

K, I feel better…………..no I don't…………I need a smoke………..ran out of pink lemonade and vodka OJ just ain't the same………………another fucking piss in my Cheerios !!!

Yeah, no pics.. Ain't got the patience…..

She Leaves

2008-09-30T13:06:00.001-04:00

I have been counting the minutes till I can sit down and write this….forgive my typos….I'm am too hyped up to correct them ALL !!...:

MIL (mother in law from India) spent her last weekend at our house. She arrived Sat morn….round noonish. She spent the afternoon with headphones on, on the computer watching movies online………………INDIA movies. Hence, no conversation….

We made fajitas for dinner….that basically consisited of grilled chicken which we sliced up with all the fixins. Eat them how you want. My kids ate them without the tortilla. MIL attempted but apparently it was to chewy for the flasies. (teeth). Hey, all okay, every one was full, mission accomplished.

Alexx jetted off to the neighbors, a girl there in her grade, rents our rental, become best of buddies. That turned into a sleepover with another girl.

MIL proceeded to 'take a nap' after dinner. I cleaned up. She wanted to help but loving Roger says to her "leave it, Vicki will get it". OKAYYY !!! The remark wasn't appreciated but the fact that it was MY kitchen and I like things MY way was just fine with me. Blood pressure maintains…

I had a move from Netflix. I put it in, asked Roger if he would watch it with me, asked him to invite his mother to watch with us…..at 7:30 she apparently is already sleeping….okay….quiet time with hubby…….bear in mind…NO sex in over a week here…………

No sex in a week=one BITCHY ASS WIFE !!!

Let me explain something to you guys………..women withOUT sex are like women on PMS !! You can't tell the difference. We wear the same mask.

PUT OUT !!!! Maybe it's just me…but if I don't get laid after the 3^rd or 4^th day….it's like CPR. You have to work overtime to bring back the dead. I have already resigned to fact that I'm not getting any, EVER AGAIN. I am DEAD to you. Not only do I not WANT it anymore, I am not INTERESTED in getting any….

K, back to the movie, we watch it , alone. Alexx (daughter) is next door on sleepover and son is waiting for movie to get over for his place on couch as MIL is in his bed.

Movie over…………yup. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO sex !!! WTF???? You KNOW I want it, I'll be damned if I'm gonna beg for it !!! FUCK YOU !!! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Morning comes….slept like shit….1am watching tv……4 am watching tv…FINALLY at 5am he gets a fucking clue…………………but thanks to the fact that it's been over a week………I wanted it so bad……….I couldn't even get mine…………….FUCK !!!!!!!

Off to the gym we go……..back home……..oh look, MIL is back on puter watching Indian movies online. Go figure. That went on alllll ficken day !!!

What is Vicki to do????? OH HELL !! I was in adrenaline mode….I cleaned the shit out of everything !!!

You know those shitty kitchen cabinets you take out and put in the garage when you get new ones from Home Depot? Yup? Scrubbed those suckers down. Greasy ass fingerprints inside and out. Screen doors? Scrubbed. Windows? Inside and out? Sparkling !!!

See, Brother Rengy, Mr. Rich in Daytona, has a cleaning woman that comes every Tuesday. I don't have that. I have to clean my OWN house. And I don't give a shit, Sunday just might be cleaning day!! I fucking mopped right in front of her. I hope she got a new prespective on "Roger's wife" cuz SHE cleans her OWN house !!! I fuckin did the damn dishes by hand !!! This ain't no 4 STAR hotel here!

So, what the hell was I supposed to do? Sit on the couch and watch her watch movies and watch my husband sleep???? (Forgive me, he did wash and wax his car and blew out the garage for me like I asked, so no negativity towards the hubby today at all)

MIL sits on couch all day watching movies online. Logan gets a phone call to go boating with a friend. What am I to do? Say NO? Alexx did her sleepover so by all means Logan gets to do his friend thing…………

Logan goes boating, Alexx is in and out all day….MIL is still watching movies online, I'm a cleaning fiend……………I'm drinking beer OF COURSE !!! HELLLOOOO do you know me AT ALL??????????

3:30 comes. MIL watching her movie….Rog dozing on couch. I'm all good with this,,,I am keeping busy to myself,,,,,kids are occupied…..

MIL is dressed and ready to go back to Daytona. Roger gets phone call…,has to do a showing (house). Are you Fucking Kidding Me?? You mother is dressed, packed and ready to go back to Daytona……NOW you have to do a showing???

GOD…..K, I can deal with it…12 years living with a realtor, I'm okay. But his mother has NO clue as to WHY he MUST work on a SUNDAY at 4PM !! Just out of the blue. He sets her up with another movie online…..I walk thru with my beer and she askes for one…..only half…..Hey, I am more than accommodating.. Mrs. Nice.

Pour her half a beer in a glass as asked…..I am polite as can be…meantime I am running around trying to keep occupied…what am I supposed to do? Sit and watch her watch movies??

Logan FINALLY gets home from boating with his friend, the kids say their goodbyes and Roger drives away with her……………she won't leave till both kids are there….totally understandable. I gave her pics of the kids and a family pic, I hugged her..thoroughly. I mean, I really hugged her. Not some half hearted effort. I hugged….and I meant it.

How do I feel? I am emotionally confused, and exhausted.

This woman is 72 years old. She will never travel here again. She came here to see her grandkids….MY kids. My son is the only one to carry on the family name in HER family. This is my husband's mother. He will probably never see her again….THAT is crushing to me. I can't imagine how he must feel………that hurts me to my core. He will never express that to me. But I know he thinks about it. He has to. How can he not? I can't imagine being in his shoes and saying goodbye to his mother for the last time………………Crushes me just to type it. It just hurts….

K, this is just too long for anyone to read……Kudos to you that stuck it out….Thank you……

Time to get the kids to bed and me showered and smelling pretty…hopefully I can get laid again tonight…………………………

Love you all….

Cheers!!!!

Vicki

Snakes and Lizards

2008-09-30T13:05:00.001-04:00

There are things I absolutely HATE !! ..

I hate puke. I can touch shit with my bare hands but I cannot clean up puke. I gag. I puke on puke.

Spiders. Hate em. Especially the big furry ones.

Worms. Slimy creepy crawly things. Even rubber ones.

And snakes. If a snake were to cross my path I would sprout wings and fly. High. Very high. I will dismantel ceiling fans were a snake to enter my house.

And lizards. I didn't grow up with lizards. But Florida has lizards. I am told they eat mosquitoes, so they can stay. OUTside. Not in my house. However, the occasional wee little lizard will find his way in. It's okay. You sit under the tv, the stove, the couch. Just stay out of my bedroom !!!

My daughter is in the sixth grade. And her science class has more creatures in it than students. And, because I love my daughter just oh so much and can't say no to her ever……I allowed her to bring 2 of the class creatures home for the weekend.

Meet Bandit:

This is Alexx with Bandit. UGH !!!!

This is hubby Rog with Bandit. And I made him shower before he came to bed that night.

And son Logan (left) with Jacob and Bandit. YES Jacob opened his mouth and Bandit is IN his mouth !!! Can I puke now??????

And here is Sophera, the Gekko Lizard. I refused to touch it. I tried. Just couldn't do it.

And this is Logan with one of those mosquito eating lizards that are all over down here. I have no idea how he got this damn thing to sit on his arm, cuz these creatures are NOT slow moving !! Ain't he cute ? Logan. Not the fricken lizard !!!!

I'm told we're not done bringing creatures home yet. Next is a gerbil I think. Now THAT I just might be able to hold ! LOL Cute and fuzzy things are just fine !

Sexy Secrets !!

2008-09-20T11:41:00.001-04:00

Pamela (sorry, clueless as how to link within a blog, so find her in my friends) wrote this really cool blog about "10+ Sexy Things" about her. And, besides being pretty entertaining and eye-opening, it got my mind thinking about my own sexy history. I don't know if mine are as wild and crazy as her's, but here goes…

1. I lost my virginity in the backseat of a '65 Mustang, ½ mile from my parents house. I was 15. Darin was a 'bad boy', according to my parents. He was wrestler, nice hard body ! He was a senior, I was a sophomore. I was 15. Of course I was drunk ! And I remember, it hurt like hell…even with all the Miller High Life's to numb.

When my dad found out he didn't talk to me for three months. He was devastated. Can't say I blame him, now being a parent of a daughter myself.

2. Darin also introduced me to blowjobs and swallowing. In a '65 Mustang there ain't a lot of room to move, so I really didn't have much of a choice BUT to swallow. For practice in perfecting my newly discovered 'talent' I would swallow raw hotdogs….WHOLE. I think I would gag if I tried that today !!

3. I once slept with a guy that my younger sister had slept with. And he said we fuck the same way. NOT something I needed, or cared, to know.

4. My 20's were a blur. A drunken, sex-filled blur. I never actually dated the guys, but we would have mini affairs, lasting about 6 months each. They were my guaranteed booty hook-ups after the bars closed. I miss those boys. Tee Hee ! Paul, Leroy, Chad, Cary, and Cary's brother…..what WAS HIS name….?

5. The phrase "once you go black, you never go back" isn't true. I did a Jamaican once, k, twice…won't go back. LOL Wasn't impressed. He was long enough, but way to skinny. What's the phrase? "Like throwing a pencil down a hallway"?

6. I've been married 3 times. First one was my high school sweetheart. He was a virgin till I got ahold of him in his senior year. He was Darin's classmate. After Darin opened my eyes to the world of orgasms I was hooked and had to pass my knowledge on to Tim.

7. For my 18^th birthday I put myself on the pill. Fourteen years later I had my first pill-baby. And 2 years later I had my second. Then I got smart. I got my tubes tied.

8. I've had crabs twice. Most miserable thing EVER !!! Talk about embarrassing itching !! LOL The first time I discovered them I managed to scratch one off and it's legs were still moving !!! GROSS OR WHAT !!!!

9. I've never done a chick. But my life ain't over YET !! It's my number one fantasy. Hubby won't share her with me so I may have to fulfill that one on my own. Shhhh !!! But I would LOVE to watch him do her too ! Is that too bizarre? I get hot just thinking about it. LOL

10. I think threesomes are over-rated. Granted I haven't done the GBG thing, but with two guys there are just too many round pegs in round holes. Hard to concentrate on one end with your mouth full on the other end. (Same thing with the whole 69 thing…not a fan, for the same reason) Maybe I was just too young at the time….maybe I need to revisit the threesome arena………….K, probly not. Hubby won't go for that either. LOL

11. I want sex every day. Not a big fan of morning sex but I'll take it if I can get it. Every day. Hubby can't keep up. I get turned down more often than not. I don't know what is wrong with these "frigid" wives that men keep complaining about. They just not right in the head !! Maybe the men just plain suck in bed?

12. Hell yeah I've faked it !! Every chick has !! And if they tell you they haven't, they're lying. Most times it's not cuz the guy sucks, it's mostly cuz it just ain't working for me that time and I want you to get off, then just get OFF. And if the guy can't tell the difference…either he really is that out of touch or I'm just that fucking good at it !! LOL Kudos tho for the guy wanting me to cum first…there, I just made him feel good. Everybody's happy.

13. I like to be on the bottom. There's just something about the weight of a man on me. And he seems to hit all the good spots there. So no matter how we start out, I like to finish looking up when I spew "Oh God" LOL

14. When my daughter was around 2 she climbed up on Daddy and said "Play Horsey, Daddy". Yup, I was on the bottom then too. It was too funny, we had to stop. LOL

15. I never got into drugs. I'm more of a drunk. I have done pot, hash, speed and shrooms. Shrooms are fun! Never laughed so hard at wallpaper in my life !!!

I lived with a coke-head once…until he came home one night and told me his paycheck was gone to his dealer. I had him committed into rehab 6 hours later and found out he had been cheating on my too. DUH?! He's now married to that skank and they have 2 kids. I once came home to find a teddy bear he had given me hanging from the ceiling with the vacuum cord wrapped around its neck. That scared me…..

He came home coked up one night and insisted on sex. While he was trying to violate me with his dirty, filthy, polluted body I grabbed him by the balls and squeezed as hard as I could and wouldn't let go. The look in his eyes was murderous. I was scared to death. I managed to get him outside and then locked him out, in his underwear, in the dead of a North Dakota winter.

K, right now that's what I can come up with. I'm sure there's more that I fail to remember at this time in my life…..hard to think of all the shit I did 20 years ago! LOL

In my next life...

2008-09-20T11:40:00.000-04:00

What do you think of reincarnation? Do you ever wonder if your cat or dog knows what you're doing? And understands? Like he was maybe one of us in a previous life? Downright spooky...

We have two male cats. Sometimes I wonder. They get the strangest looks on their faces sometimes. I look in their eyes and it's like they 'know' something…or are wondering what the hell I'm doing.

Like, when I go to the bathroom. They follow me in there, every single time. They lay in the shower and wait for me. But only till it's time to do the paperwork. Then they both get up and leave. WHY??

Or when it's tampon time. They get up and leave then too. WHY???? What could they possibly be thinking?!?!?!

Another time is sex. They hang around for only a few minutes then just leave. They don't even have to be on the bed. They still leave the room. Too weird. I could care less if they are in the room or not, but it apparently makes them uncomfortable. LOL I don't get it.

I talk to my cats. Face to face. I have conversations with them. Sometimes it's almost like they are listening. Sometimes they walk away….like when I'm talking out of my ass and making no sense in the first place.

Do you think we come back as something else? Do we get stuck as something gross like a roach if we are bad in our first life?

Or maybe something cool, like a cat, if we're good? Who decides ? Can we move up or down the chain depending on how 'good' we are in the present life?

And if we are good as a human, what could we possibly come back as that would be 'better' than a human?

Just throwing the thought out there. Any thoughts?

I got laid !?! Okay, if you say so...

2008-09-20T11:39:00.002-04:00

Does it really matter what fricken category ya put blogs under??? What's the point? The one I want doesn't exist anyway !!!!

HAHAHAHHAH Funny morning already !! LOLOLOL..

So, I wake up on the couch. Okay. I can hang with that. He says I snore when I drink so since I was well into my cups last night, waking up on the couch was no big deal.

We're picking on each other playfully and he says he's still tired. I say "you didn't sleep well last night?" He: "no, I could hear you snoring from the bedroom !" Me: "Well, maybe if you put out once in a while you would sleep better!"

HE: "I DID put out !!!"

OOPS !!!! *thinking really really hard now…..for the life of me, I can't recall even a itsy bitsy teeny tiny bit of it……….hmmmm, I got laid last night??? He actually had sex with me smelling like wine, scotch and cigarettes?!?.....still thinking REALLY hard….wondering why, if I got laid last night was I still on couch in morning…..REALLY confused now….*

ANYWAY, I let the sex comment fly right over my head as I didn't want him to know that I didn't remember a thing ! AGAIN !!!!! LOL Sometimes I am such a blonde !!!

Then the MOTHER subject comes up !!

He said he had to work all weekend so I asked "so is your mom coming back this weekend then?" He says "no, that's why I'm going to tell her I have to work all weekend" Me: "Well I'm sure she doesn't want to spend all weekend alone with ME! Ha ha You do know that her remark kinda stung alittle? She's lucky I wasn't really paying attention when she said it." He: " Well, I told her that you don't insult people in their own home. That she was rude and disrespectful." Me: "Oh the whole 'don't tell her nothing' thing?" He: "Yeah, I told her that this ain't India and that we don't have secrets in this house." Me: "and she thought that I wasn't going to figure out that my kids were missing for 3 weeks? Like I wasn't going to NOTICE?" haha HE: "I guess so, and I told her to keep her mouth shut and to stop stirring up trouble between us and Rengy too"

LOLOL WOO HOO !!! (tee hee --I win!!!—Shame on you, Vicki !!!! giggle giggle)

Now I am off to the office, (strangely after a 1.5 bottle of Pinot Grigio and a Chivas on the rocks, I have NO headache and actually feel really good !!—Um, NO I did NOT make it to the gym….lol)…. Seems he wants to dispose of his little receptionist chick that doesn't really work when she's there anyway. So now I have to learn HER job and be able to do in one day what takes her 5 days to do. And seems I have to also learn how to do the commissions cuz the agent that does those is too damn slow and he wants to can her ass too.

Isn't it nice to know you're needed --to cover other peoples jobs before they get fired --SO they can get fired? (did that sentence make sense?) is there a name for my job description? LOL

TTFN !!!

Does it really matter?

2008-09-20T11:39:00.001-04:00

I am in awe. Simple AWE. I just don't get it>>>>>

Men talk about their frigid wives…………a phenomenon I don't get anyway.

But !! A husband that is TOOO tired????????????? WTF? Am I married to that ONLY man?

If you read my earlier blog………Now…..I'm out of beer And vodka………..I don't drink much else…………Jack if I can afford it.

I'm drinking Chivas, on the rocks, splash water…………..tastes like fuckin shit. Dug it out of the bottom shelf of the liquor stock…………beats the shit out of the Brazilian Rum that makes me throw up………….I'm a fricken drunk………..

Why? Why am I sitting here? Alone? Kids are in bed and husband is basically "dead" . 911? Can I get fuckin' LAID HERE?????????????????????

Fuck !! I need to drink Chivas more often !! GAG !!! I'd be sober more often than not !!! GAG !!! How do you men drink this shit???

Talk about desperate……..Yeah, that be me.

How sad. I fuckin' suck.

Can I NOT HEAR NEWS ABOUT POLITICS OR CAYLEE ANTHONY???? OR HURRICANES????????? PLEASE????????????????????? I AM SICK AND TIRED OF IT. I HATE local news

Chivas tastes like shit……….

I will post this and hate myself in the morning for it. I am so embarrassed. I have no one to else to talk to. You guys are it.

I used to hold back on what I say. You know what? I don't care anymore. I am human. I am woman. I am married. I GOT ISSUES !!!

Can I please smoke now?????????????????

Out of Liquor !!!

2008-09-20T11:38:00.003-04:00

Do you ever wonder if you're an alcoholic?

I can't even type the word? (I had to do spell check 4 times to get it right)

Oprah did a show on women that had "glass or two of wine" after worki.

Are you fucking kidding me??? I did a 1.5 liter today (that's the big fat bottles for us drunks) (I actually had to look to see how much it was) in a couple hours!!

Today, I cracked a bottle of cheap Pinot Grigio at 4pm. It's 9pm. The bottle is gone. I did 3 loads of laundry, cooked dinner, did dishes, washed the husbands car, watered all the bushes around the house, did homework with the kids, put the kids to bed, all……functional.

I am a functional drunk,.

Do I hate myself, yeah. I do. Do I justify my actions. Of course. What drunk doesn't. We have an excuse for everything.

Question One to myself: Why am I not in bed with my husband?

Answer: Cuz he aint' put out in 2 weeks, why bother.

Answer 2: I been drinking and smoking………………he won't do me and I won't cum anyway, what's the point?

I kept drinking cuz he said "I'm tired I need to get some sleep"….so to me that means "I need more alcohol cuz you ain't gettin' laid"…………..

HELLO????????????????????????

We are NOT FRIGID…………..We're just DRUNK ?!?!!??!

I'm outa wine, vodka AND beer !!!! MY lay is sleeping and I'm NOT HAPPY !!!