It's All About the Kids....

I'm sorry, but any of you that think that being a mom is easy have NOT lived a day in the shoes of a mother.

To those that do NOT have kids and you think that when you do, that you kids are going to be perfect angels, you live in a fantasy world. I used to think that my kids were the only ones that pulled the kinda of shit that they do....I was gratefully mistaken--thanks to hookin' up with some moms here!! Thankd YOU !!.

Get the fantasy out of your head right now! Your kids will be NO better than your neighbors. They will as bad, if not WORSE !!

Your children will not only come up with every excuse NOT to do everything, they will devise EVERY conceivable way of avoiding doing ANYthing you ask.

They will spill, break and destroy at least one cherished, or not cherised, maybe just brand spankin' new, piece of furniture in your house.

They will mar, deface and ruin walls, doors, and appliances.

You will find socks and underwear in places you would never imagine. There will be spilled koolaid, juice, melted popsiciles and funk they all FLOAM imbeded in your furniture, comforters and upholstery. You will find containers which contained, once upon a time, a living organism. A spider, frog or lizard, now dried up and in the final states of rigamortis.

You will find toothpaste and hairspray in places no one would expect. Wrappers to candy and fudgesicles so old they have developed personalities of their own.

If you have a daughter, there will be so much hair in your hairbrushes you think you live with Chewbacca.

You can dream of raising your kids EXACTLY as your parents did NOT raise you, or exactly as they DID. It doesn't matter. Your kids will still be destructors of your universe.

Oh, yes, they are cute and sooo adorable when they are babies. They smile, they giggle. It's cute when they dribble their strained peas and carrots out their cute little mouths. It's absolutely delightful when they dump their first bowl of spaghetti on top of their heads. You pride yourselves on those little "packages' they so conveniently wrap for you in their diapers. You take pictures and send them to all your relatives.

It's true what they say: "you can't wait for them to walk and talk, then you just want them to shut up and sit down" !! After that, they learn the inevitable word "NO". Trust me. It WILL happen to you.From there on, your life, as you knew it, as proud new parents, is OVER !!
You embark on a new adventure. You are now wiping noses and butts. You will do this for the next decade !!! You will, for the next undetermined number of years, be reprimanding, correcting and reminding, and reminding and.... reminding. Repeat, repeat, repeat....

Taking the children out to eat will be similar to climbing Mount Everest. You will pack a bag that will consist of liquids and solids to feed an army. You will carry enough diapers and wipes to supply a small orphanage. You will pack all this in luggage the equivalent to a trip around the world. You will either go home hungry or pack your food to go... Or if you're lucky, you will eat in 'shifts' with your significant other. Either way, one of you will eat cold food.

You will be seated at the FAR back of the restaurant and given to the 'new guy'. You will be in the back of the plane, next to engine so none can hear your child screaming thru the takeoffs, landings, and the entire trip. You will be the first ones to board, and the last ones off. And your child will take the biggest dump of his life midflight. And it will smell like nothing you have ever smelled before !!!

Trips to the grocery store will be as if you are in a marathon. It's a matter of getting thru the store before the child either shits his pants and it runs out his diaper and all over the cart so that everyone in the ethnic aisle can smell it, or the child decides it's time to throw it's daily colicky fit in the checkout line.

You will want to beat them, throw them up against the wall, tie them to a stake in the yard. You will yell, scream, pull your hair out and drink more than you did in college. You will buy wooden spoons, leather belts and every parenting book at Barnes and Noble. You will shop online for Xanex and Prozac. You will go for walks, join parenting groups and seek counseling.

You can OOOH and AHHH over your new addition, and I applaud you. Just bear in mind tho, the cuteness may last forever, in YOUR eyes only. You will soon be rudely awakened to the reality that children, as blessed as they are...are THE BEST birth control there is for those that have not already been blessed with these wonderful creatures (or those that think they might want to venture there again.!!!!) Thank you very much !!!